More specifically, a very short silly fanfiction on the subject of jumping off cliffs. Hopefully the characters should be easy to guess, and I promise to chip in on Touga's sex life and my endless cracky analysis of the movie soon.

"On Jumping Off Cliffs"

The office was small and dusty, and the teacher glared across the desk in annoyance. They had one good line, and intended to use it.

"If all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?"

"Huh?"

The teacher wondered if the occupant of the chair even had a brain, watching her scratch the back of her head thoughtfully and frown before she spoke.

"I guess I'd just grab them before anything could happen. Anyway, what's that got to do with it? I mean, it's not like anyone else wears the boy's uniform - well, except the boys, but you know - "

*

"If all of your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?"

"Ahh," someone breathed, long, silky strands of hair brushing quite criminally over every available surface. "I believe, sensei, that that depends on whose, ah - canyon they were jumping into. An important question, wouldn't you say?"

The teacher let out a sound which was anything between frustration, nerves, and an uncontrollable urge to forget about any misdemeanour and stroke the beautiful, beautiful hair.

*

"If all of your friends jumped off a cliff, would y--"

The teacher was cut off mid-sentence, and sighed in resignation

"A-actually that happened to me once. But there aren't any elephants around right now! Besides, I don't listen to Aiko and Keiko and Yuuko anyway, they answer to me. It was my plan in the first place, all mine - what do you mean, detention? Onii-sama will hear about this!"

*

"If all of your friends jumped --"

"Oh! I've heard that one before," the student said helpfully. One hand dipped into a jacket pocket in a smooth and half-conscious movement. "There wouldn't be any hope for them, I'm afraid. It would take about 4.63 seconds for them to hit the bottom of an average canyon, depending on the air resistance of what they were wearing, and their density. Sadly enough, I think Arisugawa-sempai would have less hope than Himemiya-san, unless her skydiving lessons help - "

"Kaoru Miki," the teacher said, with great patience. "How long did it take you to work this out?"

*

"-- all of your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?"

"What are you implying?"

An impatient, furious fist shook the table, and the teacher found altogether too much of their personal space invaded. "I didn't mean it was Kiryuu-san's fault, I just--"

"Look." The student was suddenly deflated, sagging back into the chair, the face shadowed. "Expel me if you like, but at least let it be for my own mistakes. Not anyone else's."

*

"--off a cliff, would you?"

"I have no idea why you think I'd submit to peer pressure." The teacher had not expected such a steely gaze. Their previous school had been far more orderly. "Or, if you'd like it literally, if you jump off a cliff, you are, in fact, doomed. No amount of friends can make you sprout wings and fly away. Unfortunately."

"I can see you're being obstreperous --" the teacher began.

"And you're being stupid," her student said, smiling the most dangerous smile of anyone she'd met. Her hand curled on top of the desk into something that looked almost like the grip of a rapier. "New here, then?"

*

"If all your friends jumped off a cliff --"

"Sorry!" the student said with a bright, apologetic smile, and the teacher felt their brain turn off and their heart melt. "I know I do it way too near windows, and I don't think there are cliffs at school, but I promise not to cause a fatal accident to Utena-sama, really! You know she's my best friend, and anyway, I bet she could jump right out of a cliff, and I could watch and applaud or something..."

*

"If all your friends jumped --"

"This isn't about that Michiru girl, is it?" the occupant said, ceasing the endless twirling of their chair only to prop their feet up on the desk, smiling open-mouthed and toothy. "Or that teacher, or the other one, what's-her-name, in hospital? Because they really weren't involved with my brother, and I can't see how you can pin it on me -- "

"I wasn't," the teacher grated. "talking about that, but come to mention it, why were they injured, then?"

"Who knows?"

The occupant shrugged, and let their whole body ripple into muscle and curve and tight, short skirt.

"Maybe they just had this sudden, uncontrollable urge, you know?"

*

"If all of your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?"

"No!" "No!" "No!"

From outside the window, three bespectacled boys gave their silent, doomed, yet enthusiastic support, and Nanami calmly ate her lunch, entirely ignoring the occupants of the office.

The teacher felt a headache coming on.

*

"--jumped off a cliff, would you?"

The back of the chair folded into the lines of the occupant's back when she leant in and bit her lip, softly. "It wouldn't matter, anyway. They'd do it better. A perfect swan-dive, or something like that, and I'd just - just bellyflop while everyone watched. However hard I practised, I'd still look like an idiot jumping off a cliff, and she --"

"But," the teacher said. "wouldn't you both hit the ground and die anyway?"

The teacher wondered if anyone in the room ever listened: their student had turned their back on them already, and was staring out at the two empty chairs at the side of the room.

*

"If all of your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?"

Silence.

"Speak up," the teacher said, exasperated: there was something about this particular one, though they didn't dare voice it, that made one want to slap them. "You've got a mind of your own, haven't you?"

"Ah," the student said, smiling. "My apologies. I was just thinking that it would depend on whether I'd pushed them off it or not, wouldn't it?"