Chapter 2: The Endless Hallway

SCENE 2: Noon. Interior. Ohtori Academy – The Endless Hallway.

Utena: (to Anthy who trails her demurely) Geez, this hallway is long. I never really noticed how long it is before.

Anthy: It’s long because it’s metaphorical.

Utena: Huh?

Anthy: (patiently) It’s long because we haven’t met anyone else coming down it yet.

Utena: Huh?

Anthy: (like she’s speaking to a very young child) It’s long because it’s a plot device, and I’m beginning to wonder if you are too.

Utena: Oh. Well anyway. I’m getting a blister. And it hurts. Ow!

Anthy: I thought you were too much of a tomboy to care about things like that?

Utena: Heh, normally that’s true. But I want my feet to look nice for Akio-san. I just can’t seem to hold onto my personality when he’s around…

Anthy: Or your self-respect.

Utena: Right. Uh what?

Anthy: Oh look, Utena-sama! It’s uh…boys playing sport! Aggressively!

Utena: (cranes her head to look) Where? Where?!

Anthy: They’re gone now.

Utena: (disappointed) Darn.

Anthy: Yes Darn indeed.

Out of nowhere Wakaba zooms up, and glomps all over Utena, who is suddenly facing a window and about to be knocked out of it.

Wakaba: UTENNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAA-SAAAAAAAAAMMAAAAAA!!!!!

Utena: Oh crap.

Utena falls out window. Anthy cracks up laughing, slapping her thigh for good measure. A horrified Wakaba turns to stare at her in…horror.

Anthy: (automatically reverts to sweet face & voice) Hello Wakaba-san.

Wakaba: OMG!!! You were laughing!!! Evilly!!!!!!!!!! Evil laughter!!!! EVIL!!!

Anthy: Was I?

Utena uses her incredible sporting abilities to physically haul herself up the vertical wall and over the windowsill.

Utena: (puffing) Knew…*puff*…that would…*puff*…happen…one…of…*huff huff*…these…days…

Wakaba: Utena-sama! I’m so glad you’re alive!!!! But I have something SHOCKING to tell you!!!

Wakaba points a shaking finger at Anthy.

Wakaba: She…no it…IT is ev-IL!!

Anthy looks worried.

Utena: (grows angry) Wakaba! How could you say such things! Himemiya is my friend, and I know you’re incredibly jealous of her but that’s no reason to go around saying such mean things.

Anthy: (places hand softly on Utena’s breast…uh I mean her heart, and smiles beatifically) Oh, Utena-sama…

Utena: (all misty eyed) Himemiya…

Wakaba: (rains her fists down on Utena’s back) Open your eyes, you dolt! She’s EVIL!!

Saionji: (pops out of nowhere) She makes me so angry I have to hit her. She makes me do it!

Wakaba: Evil!

Utena: Saionji’s on medication. Everyone knows that.

Anthy: (smiles at Saionji) Poor Senpai.

Juri: (pops out of nowhere) I have to hit her too.

Wakaba: Because she’s evil!!

Utena: Juri’s a lesbian who likes to dominate women. Everyone knows that.

Anthy: Those were the days…

Nanami: (pops out of nowhere) She keeps weird animals in her draws and closet!

Wakaba: Evil! Evil animals!!

Miki: (pops out of nowhere) I think they’re cute.

Nanami: AND she sleeps with her brother. As in they get busy on the couch.

Anthy sweatdrops. Luckily the light hitting her glasses at just the right angle creates an impenetrable glare, so nobody can see her expression. Because it is an evil one.

Wakaba: OMG! EVVVVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

Miki: Well, that doesn’t sound so bad to me…I mean, if I could understand what you’re talking about. Which I can’t.

Utena: Now calm down, Wakaba. I’m sure there’s a good explanation for why they do homework on the couch. Besides, I do homework on that couch too.

Nanami: OMG are you fu(king braindead? Get busy means they fu(kin’ fu(k, okay? Geez!

Utena: Ohhh. Oh! Er…hmm, well um. Let me think about that…Uh…

Everyone waits with baited breath.

Utena: OMG, Himemiya is trying to steal Akio-san off me! Oh no! I feel so betrayed…

Anthy: Technically, you’re trying to steal Onii-sama off me.

Utena: OMFG, I’ve betrayed Himemiya! Himemiya, my dearest friend in all the world after only three weeks…oh no! I feel like such a betrayer…

Anthy: Oh I’m used to that, Utena-sama. Don’t worry about it.

Utena: But…Himemiya…I betrayed you. I accepted foot-sex from your beloved brother. I’m not a perfect prince after all…oh I think I’m going to cry. Which is unusual, because I don’t cry.

Anthy: Foot-sex, foot-schmex. Metaphorical water under the bridge. Let’s go and water the roses some more. I’m sure that will make you feel better.

Utena: (sniffing) Okay. Sounds fun.

Juri: Sounds boring as heck.

Anthy: Not when it’s metaphorically done, Senpai.

Juri: Hmm.

Utena & Anthy start walking off down the endless hallway, arm in arm.

Wakaba: OMG I can’t believe how EVILLLLLLLL that awwwwwfullll rose bitch issss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or how dumb Utena-sama is. I mean, really really dumb.

Anthy: (over her shoulder) Tell me about it.

* * *

TBC in Chapter 3: The Endless Elevator

Chapter 4: A Duel Like Any Other Duel

SCENE 4: Late-Afternoon. Exterior. Dueling Arena – Utena vs Touga.

The elevator has just arrived at the dueling arena in the sky. Impressively it clangs open to reveal Anthy and Utena posing next to each other. Utena’s long hair blows wildly in the (freak) wind, while rose blossoms rain down madly.

Utena: (blinking rose blossoms out of her eyes) Ow! I don’t get it.

Anthy: It’s metaphorical. Can’t you hear the theme song? Paradise Lost. Shangri-la-la-la. Think Eden.

Utena: (nervously) If this is Eden, where’s the uh, snake?

Touga: (standing in the middle of an arena filled with giant cactuses, buttoning up shirt) In my pants! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!

Utena: (shocked-sounding) Touga-san! But…w…w…w…why?!

Anthy: I already told you it was Touga-senpai you were dueling.

Utena: You did? But um, I thought he liked me.

Touga: Oh I do.

Steps up and runs his fingers through Utena’s long pink hair. And gets stuck on a knot.

Touga: Ick! You need a good conditioner. Have you tried Pantene?

Utena: I don’t know. Anthy does all the shopping. And cooking. And cleaning. And washing of my body and hair.

Anthy: I’m like a slave. And I don’t even get sex.

Utena: Well that’s because you get my eternal friendship. And because I’m a virgin.

Anthy: Uhuh.

Touga peers suspiciously toward Utena’s feet. She blushes and taps her feet nervously.

Utena: But why, Touga-san? Why?! I don’t understand why you’re doing this…again. I thought you were my prince…maybe. I don’t suppose there’s any chance on getting a definite yes/no answer to that now?

Touga: Why am I doing this? (condescending laughter) WHY am I doing this? Oh sweet Utena-kun…if you only knew…

Utena: (impatiently) Yeah. That’s why I’m asking. Hey! Isn’t that Akio-san’s car?

Touga: What? That thing? That Akio-car right over there?

Utena: Yeah.

Touga: No. It’s not.

Utena: Oh. Hmm, well how did it get up here?

Touga: I don’t know.

Utena: But you were in it!

Touga: Yeah, but I wasn’t driving. And I wasn’t exactly looking at the view, if you know what I mean.

Anthy: (smirks) Don’t worry. She doesn’t.

Utena: Huh?

Anthy: I said, let’s get on with it, shall we? I think I’m scheduled to turn into Mamiya soon. It would be rather…unfortunate, should my horrible cross-gender secret be revealed here.

Utena: Huh? If what should be revealed?

Anthy: I said, hurry up Utena-sama, grope me again. (presses Utena’s hand to her breast)

Touga: Oh yeah.

Utena: (groping madly) By the power of er…

Anthy: (stage whispers) Dios!

Utena: uh Dios, um…wow… (her head moves back and forth over Anthy’s chestal region as she sniffs)

Anthy: (sounds bored) Grant me the power to bring forth world revolution.

Utena: Y…yeah. Yeah, that’s it. (starts to pull sword forth in exaggeratedly slow motion)

Touga: This is making me hard. (leans down to get a better view up Anthy’s skirt which is flying up madly)

Utena: Why, you bastard! Get your own!

Utena drops Anthy on the hard floor with a crack and rushes Touga. Their swords clash together. Anthy disappears from her dress, and reappears seated naked at a table sipping tea. After a significant pause the dress reappears too.

Anthy: (in a monotone) Oh go Utena-sama. Go go.

Touga: (swings sword) You’ll never defeat me!

Utena: (swings sword) I already did. So there.

Touga: (flys through air upside down) That’s only because I let you beat me.

Utena: (flys through air twirling like a torpedo) Did not.

Touga: (slashes back and forth impressively) Did too.

Utena: (reverts to having no formal dueling training or skill, and gasps and trips over herself to avoid impressive slashes) Uh! Did not.

Touga stops (stupidly) and takes the time to laugh manically while pointing his sword at Utena’s heart, while she lies gasping at his feet.

Touga: I will definitely beat you now! Any moment, and I will cut off your head!

Utena: You mean my rose…

Touga: Yes, that too. And I did so let you beat me before. So there. (laughs manically again)

Utena: I really hope that Dioti guy gets here soon.

Anthy: (sips tea and gazes up at castle) I wonder what’s keeping him?

Touga raises his sword with a terrible grimace…and Dios comes rushing down from his castle-home, to slide into Utena’s luscious body. For a moment their flashing faces are super-imposed over each other. Then Utenadios surges to her/his feet…

Touga: This seems unfair.

Anthy: (monotone) Oh. Thank goodness. Utena-sama shall not die. This time.

Utenadios: Ha ha! By the power of our skills combined…I am…Prince Utenadios!

Touga: This really doesn’t seem fair. I protest!

Utenadios: Protest this!

In a crazy gravity-defying move, the prince leaps with her/his sword extended toward Touga’s rose. Touga does the exact same move from the reverse angle.

Utenadios: Ahhhhhhhh!

Touga: Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Utendios knocks off Touga’s rose and he falls to the ground clutching at his face and screaming.

Touga: My outfit! There’s a hole in my outfit!

Utenadios falls convulsing to the floor and froths at the mouth. Touga stops screaming and looks curiously at her.

Touga: What’s happened to Utena-kun?

Anthy: Just a side-effect from being possessed one too many times. I’m sure it will pass soon. (sips tea)

Touga: You seem to know an awful lot about possession. (smirks) And all the dark arts.

Anthy: I AM a dark art.

Touga: (sounds worried) What did you say?

Anthy: I said, you’re going to be late for doing your hair for your big appointment.

Touga: Oh no! (rushes out)

Anthy turns into Mamiya with a loud popping sound.

Mamiya: And now it’s time for my big appointment. (disappears from rose bridal suit) Whoops. Wrong disappearing-act. (disappears altogether, still naked)

Utena gets up, rubbing froth off mouth.

Utena: Ohhh, I don’t feel too good. I should really eat some lunch. (staggers toward elevator and tries to pry closed door open) Hmm, how does this stupid thing work again?

TBC in Chapter 5: Mamiya’s Papiya

EDIT: Fixed some honorifics.

Last edited by sharnii (09-28-2008 07:14:45 AM)

Oh man, I love every piece of this. It's really amusing because I can see exactly what scenes you're making fun of. Maybe someone else could think of criticisms, but I really can't. I look forward to reading the rest of this.

Utena: OMG, Himemiya is trying to steal Akio-san off me! Oh no! I feel so betrayed…

Damnit sharnii, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!

I never would have figured out on my own that this is what she actually felt.

Seriously, chick's a retard.

You're clearly going to hell for writing this.

I what you did with Anthy. I swear you managed to write her inner monologue.

P.D.M. wrote:

sharnii misunderstood:
But I should mention that I don't actually think Anthy felt this...it's just me being humorous.

I meant what Utena thought when she saw Anthy and Akio having sex. It suddenly just clicked and made sence.

I know how you feel. That scene, and those that immediately followed it, were really confusing to me because it's like Utena wasn't showing any emotion or reaction to it at all. Right until the 'poisoned tea' part, which COMPLETELY threw me off course.

I mean, in retrospect, OF COURSE she felt so betrayed. But to look at her, you wouldn't think that.

Chapter 5: Mamiya’s Papiya

SCENE 5: Early Evening. Interior. Nemuro Memorial Hall – Black Rose Elevator.

Anthy-in-Mamiya’s-body sits in the Black Rose Elevator which is going down. He/She is singing the chorus of “Bed’s are Burning” by Midnight Oil, with some slight improvements to the lyrics.

Mamiya: (sings out-of-tune) How can they sleep while their beds are burning! Eh heh. Heh heh heh.

Elevator stops and doors slide open to reveal a very impatient-looking Mikage.

Mikage: Where have you been?! I did the calculations over and over and I still couldn’t come up with anything except that you were meant to be here five minutes ago.

Mamiya: Oh take a chill pill.

Mikage: What?

Mamiya: I said, I’ve been shopping. (demure smile)

Mikage: (doubtfully) You go shopping?

Mamiya: It was for our own personal seminar. I bought some props (holds up a banana, followed by a papaya). 

Mikage: Let’s go! (drags Mamiya down the hallway towards the bedchamber)

Mamiya: (demurely) I am your rose groom. Do with me what you will.

Mikage: Rose BRIDE, Mamiya. You know I prefer it when you use the correct terminology.

Mamiya: (smirks) But I’m a…boy.

Mikage: Yes. According to my calculations. (brandishes a ruler) But I’M the butch one in this relationship.

Mamiya: Whatever you say. By the way your hair looks lovely today.

Mikage: Really? Why thank you for noticing. I’m using a new smooth and silky conditioner, for colored and treated hair.

Mamiya: Fascinating. (flutters eyelashes) But I’m sure your hair is so naturally smooth it doesn’t even need it.

Mikage: You can take some smoothness measurements for me, right after we take care of the other measurements.

They race into the bedchamber and slam the door.

* * *

Half an hour later they are lying contentedly in bed. Mikage is clearly exhausted. Mamiya is about to light up a cigarette.

Mikage: (petulantly) Do you really have to smoke? We have a limited air-supply down here.

Mamiya: It’s not like it’s gonna kill you.

Mikage: What?

Mamiya: I said, I’m on a diet to fit into this tiny rose groom suit, and smoking stops me from being hungry.

Mikage: Well go and smoke outside.

Grumbling, Mamiya pulls on his rose groom suit and obeys. He is leaning on the wall beside the front door of Nemuro Memorial Hall when suddenly (amazingly) who should swing by but Tenjou Utena.

Utena: Hello!

Mamiya: Shit!

Utena: What?

Mamiya: I said, hello Utena-sama. What are you doing here?

Utena: How do you know my name? And why are you calling me “sama”? And who are you?

Mamiya: Shit!

Utena: Hmm what a strange name. Sounds Indian. Say…do you know Himemiya Anthy?

Mamiya: Not so much. And I’m not Indian, thank you very much.

Utena: Sor-ry. I musta got confused by that red dot on your forehead.

Mamiya: It’s a birthmark.

Utena: Oh wow. (stares at it)

Mamiya: Do you mind?

Utena: Oh, uh sorry. Hey look, here’s Juri-senpai! What a strange coincidence.

Juri has (oddly enough) also been randomly walking by the front of Nemuro Memorial Hall (for the first time ever). She crosses to the pair, looking suspicious.

Utena: Juri-senpai! Hey, meet Shit-kun, from India. Shit-kun, this is Arisugawa Juri, captain of the school’s fencing team and (hushed voice) a confirmed lesbian.

Mamiya: Confirmed how?

Utena: (whispers) She tried to kiss me once. (blushes) It made me feel funny in my bikeshorts.

Mamiya: (eyes Utena speculatively) Interesting.

Juri: (coldly, to Mamiya) What’s your real name?

Utena: Huh?

Mamiya: It’s uh…Papiya.

Juri: Hmm. Papiya-kun, you’re a little young to be smoking, aren’t you?

Mamiya: (blows smoke in their faces) I’m older than I look.

Juri: You look about three.

Mamiya: Smoking stunted my growth.

Utena: Oh, that’s so sad!

Mamiya: Yes. (lights up another cigarette) So what are you doing here Arisugawa-senpai? This is private property.

Juri: Oh? Don’t you attend Ohtori Academy?

Mamiya: I attend the Mikage Seminar. Usually about twice a night.

Juri: The Mikage Seminar? You mean the one advertised by the famous Mikage Souji?

Mamiya: That’s the one.

Utena: Ooh he has hot-pink hair. Like me! He reminds me of me!

Mamiya: (looks worried) What a stupid thing to say.

Utena: What?

Mamiya: I said, his hair is only pink in certain lights. And if he uses the right conditioner.

Juri: (suspiciously) What exactly do you do in this seminar?

Mamiya: (hurriedly) Oh…I play a…supportive role. I’m Souji-sama’s right-hand man.

Juri: Not his son? (Utena gasps)

Mamiya: God, I hope not.

Juri: Or his sex toy? (Utena gasps and blushes)

Mamiya: What a dirty and suspicious mind you have. Look, someone’s coming.

It’s Shiori! By strange coincidence she has also chosen this moment to walk past Nemuro Memorial Hall. Now she saunters over swaying her hips. Her other assets are straining against her tight blouse. In fact, her blouse is so tight that a button pops off and hits Juri in the eye.

Juri: Ow!

Shiori: (insincerely) Sorry, Juri-san! (To Mamiya) Hello there, Black Rose Bride. I may need your services again soon.

Mamiya: (coldly) Once your defeated corpse falls into its coffin and falls into hell, I’m afraid you’re dead to me.

Juri: Black Rose Bride? (stares incredulously at Mamiya) This Indian midget?

Utena: What’s a black rose bride?

Juri: It’s just like your rose bride, Utena-kun. Only it’s even more evil than that creepy Anthy-alien, if that’s even possible.

Utena: How dare you say such things about Himemiya! She’s an angel of light!

Juri: Maybe to an idiot.

Utena: What’s that supposed to mean?!

Juri: You figure it out. Idiot.

Utena: Hey! Shut up, you…uh…um…just shut up, okay! I challenge you to a duel!

Juri: Good. I was waiting for a rematch. And I demand that they miracle-proof that stupid arena first. I’m sick of your damned cheating.

Utena: I don’t cheat!

Juri: One word. Utenadios.

Utena: That’s not even in my control. I can’t help it if some random guy takes over my body and uses it to beat you council members silly.

Mamiya: That’s right. Unexplainable sudden gender changes are nobody’s fault.

Shiori: (seductively to Mamiya) Now come on, Black Rose Bride. How can I be dead? I’m standing right here. (Another button pops off her blouse to hit him in the eye)

Mamiya: Ow. Hmm, look at the time. It’s time for me to change. How unfortunate.

Utena: Change into what?

Mamiya: This. (changes into naked Anthy with a loud pop)

Utena: HIMEMIYA?! (jaw drops)

Anthy: Oh well. Couldn’t be helped. The secret is out. Who wants tea?

Juri: (staring) You bitch. I should have known. And just why are you naked?

Anthy: Oh that. Couldn’t be helped. Where did that bridal gown get to? (looks around vacantly)

Shiori: That was kind of hot. Although I hope you’re not a lesbian pervert like Juri-san, because that would be disgusting.

Utena: OMG Himemiiiiya! What does this mean?!

Anthy: Utena-sama, if you follow me right now, we are going to go and eat food. So forget about what you have just seen, and focus on the food.

Utena: (dreamily) Food…

Anthy: Too easy. (dress finally pops back onto her)

Juri: I’m making a full report of this to the student council, you evil transgendered freak. Don’t think you’ll get away with this black rose nonsense now.

Anthy: How nice. Be sure to say hi.

Juri: (nonplussed) Um…okay.

Anthy and Utena leave arm in arm. Utena is smiling in eager anticipation.

Utena: Bye! We’re going to go and EAT!

TBC in Chapter 6: Some Eating and The Meeting

Effing beautiful.

Sei wrote: Thank you for sharing, sharnii! *smiles*

You're welcome! *grins back*

Storm wrote: Effing beautiful. emot-keke

I'm bloody ripped. (That's Aussie for "cool thanks!")

Jellikatz wrote: Point being that I love you. I don't mean that in a cute way either. I love you now. Deal with it, bitch.

Excellent...just as your brain has splattered everywhere, you realize that you love me in that special non-cute way.
I wonder if the two conditions are related...
Anyway, come over here and tell me all about it.