I think what you are looking for is "will" to make the jump, not abilities or wings just will.
but to find that will you need a reason to cross over, and those reasons to be stronger than the reasons that keep you from jumping.
It includes sacrifices, self esteem, and sometimes the courage to hurt others with jumping. But if that jump will set you free and free is all you ask then nothing else matters.

I have personally been giving too much attention to others, that my whole life is instructed by others, so now that I have jumped in the cliff of my personal freedom, my bones are all "broken" and I can't move, I'm stuck there unable to make my dreams come true, and the only way to cure those "broken" bones is to go back, and those who want me back they build a bridge to come and get me...

Decrescent Daytripper wrote:

Not to be a prick, or anything, but don't be too quick to judge, or at least, to judge pessimistically, unless you really know what was going on in the bully's life back when, or how he's doing now. It can lead to more self-recrimination, and more stewing about old sins, and all manner of other bad frustrations you don't need in your life.

My bullies had issues at home like everyone has issues at home, I had my own issues as well (poverty, parent fights etc), they had their own with divorced parents and the like. So my bullies and I were pretty much at the same level of troubles. I was though alone, and had almost all boys of my class (and some from other classes) bulling me and treating me like an animal. I wanted to kill myself everyday that passed because of them. So it is not about judging, I dont wish them bad or anything, but I simply can't erase everything with an apology. I had nightmares of them beating me to death, it was an ugly time of my life, and right now I'm the one disabled, not them, they are better in their lives, some have good jobs, some others are married with kids, I'm the one who lost that battle in the end. That ugly time costs my current health.

Karuka wrote:

Decrescent Daytripper wrote:

Not to be a prick, or anything, but don't be too quick to judge, or at least, to judge pessimistically, unless you really know what was going on in the bully's life back when, or how he's doing now. It can lead to more self-recrimination, and more stewing about old sins, and all manner of other bad frustrations you don't need in your life.

My bullies had issues at home like everyone has issues at home, I had my own issues as well (poverty, parent fights etc), they had their own with divorced parents and the like. So my bullies and I were pretty much at the same level of troubles. I was though alone, and had almost all boys of my class (and some from other classes) bulling me and treating me like an animal. I wanted to kill myself everyday that passed because of them. So it is not about judging, I dont wish them bad or anything, but I simply can't erase everything with an apology. I had nightmares of them beating me to death, it was an ugly time of my life, and right now I'm the one disabled, not them, they are better in their lives, some have good jobs, some others are married with kids, I'm the one who lost that battle in the end. That ugly time costs my current health.

Yeah I honestly felt that was a pretty weird (and naive) thing to say. You don't deal with vicious people by offering them sympathy. The only thing they understand, generally speaking, is fear.

yusaku wrote:

YOU must look for your passion. Trust me you must look. When I got passionate about the cello and boat building I found the will power to lose the weight because I found a greater passion. You will walk without pain if you find your passion. Yet, you must look for it. You will find your passion. Expect success and you will have it.

sadly enough I have dreams bur this disability doesn't allow me to follow them at the moment, I\ll try starting guitar lesson once the music school opens and she what I can do with that, I'm trying to find a job online(that only require to have a computer, which I do) as well but so far nothing. I'm not as sad as my first post shows, I got a little bit emotional there ><

But thank you for the encouraging words, hope you walk a happy life

Decrescent Daytripper wrote:

zevrem wrote:

The only thing they understand, generally speaking, is fear.

How's that working out for you?

And, is the OP  supposed to scare the person who bullied them years ago but is now genuinely regretful? Or wait for a time machine and go punk out the bully kid?

I have actually tried everything I could think, from fist fighting to call them names, to talking to a teacher, their only answer was "no matter that you do, we wont stop"
I think what triggered some of them to bully me was jealousy of some short, we were 13 when it started, I was wearing a biker leather jacket (a left over from my cousin who was too big to wear it) so I had heard some boys commenting "who does she think she is?" then at PE while trying basketball, I did a jump-shot and scored, which wounded their ego and they started calling me names from that day on for 5 long years.

On the outlet thing, maybe you could write revenge fantasies, or do something really juvenile, like get some pictures of your former bullies and take a piss on them or something, just to get that feeling of "fuck you" really out, you know?

Karuka, I find your story very moving, and it reminded me a bit of my own primary school days.
After my first grade was finished, I moved from a relatively big school in the city to a small community with a tiny school. I never fully adapted. Mostly thanks to being mentally conditioned by my classmates into believing I was a worthless, horrible human being, nearly every day, for seven years. There was no physical violence, mostly due to the bullies being all girls  (we had like, 3 boys in class), but it left me with some nasty defense mechanisms and walls around me it took years to bring down. I still don't know why they picked on me that much. I was the best student in class, yes, but I never flaunted it and in fact purposely limited myself sometimes as to not make others feel bad. Maybe that was the arrogance that spurred them on. I was a weird kid and disliked anyone's company, but I only became like that to shield myself from them, and at first I wanted to fit in, to be friends with everybody.  My parents were understanding, they did what they could and wanted me to transfer, but I adamantly refused (why I refused, I'll never know though). Maybe they envied me for having understanding parents, but while some of them had horrible parents, others had parents that coddled them and refused to believe their child could do any wrong. The truth is I'll probably never know or understand their reasons.

The thing that helped me most in recovering from that is that I've tried to deny them any further influence on my life. I decided to take responsibility for all my actions from then on. I just didn't want them to have the pleasure of being on my mind ever again. There was a mass of issues I had to deal with though, and it took me a lot of time to start thinking (relatively) normally again and find self-confidence, but at least I felt like I was getting there, step by step.
But there are things I messed up with this approach, like never mentioning my experience to people outside the family (I felt I would be somehow 'marked' if I did) and refusing to discuss it again. Maybe all of that wasn't a good idea, I mean it did happen.

But the thing I want to say is: I am in no position to tell you what to do, everyone has a different way of coping with things. Just know that, whatever they did to you, you're still here. You are hurt, but you are still standing. They tried to do you in and they FAILED. And they probably hate failing.
You may be unhappy with some aspects of your life now, but one day you will be. And you'll have only yourself to thank for that.
So please stay strong

Karuka wrote:

Nothing can justify bullying not even the worst condition of someone's life.

I agree, nothing can justify bullying.  But that's the thing about forgiveness; forgiveness is meaningful because we forgive even though we don't have to.  You don't have to forgive this character, but you've been hanging onto the wrongs he did you for so many years, and it sounds like holding that grudge is hurting you.  Someone, I don't remember who, said that we forgive others for our own sake, not for theirs.  I don't know if that's always true, but it seems it might apply here.

I might put in a few words about my own history with bullying, but I'm one of those old-fashioned people who wants to put that kind of thing behind a semiprivate wall like IFD's.  Suffice to say that I still have the emotional scars, but I'm through dwelling on the people who gave them to me.

By the way, I wanted to go with this video at first.



I really love the uplifting song in the beginning, but there is a fifteen minute introduction speech. I am not a Buddist, but you may find the speech by the Dalai Lama inspiring.

My life has been... very tough, in many ways. Especially this year, because I've been struggling to find myself in--and cope with--a life without my mother, who was killed in a car crash on New Year's Eve.

It was not helped by the fact that my girlfriend at the time, who had already been showing signs of abuse (and to be honest, while we only dated for six months she was abusive for the entire seven years of our friendship. Just. Not to this extent, previously), brought it up a few more notches, resulting in me becoming a total mess for a while. To give you all an idea of how bad an effect this had on me: the day she moved out of state (we hadn't broken up yet, but things had already hit their worst point), my father found me as a half-hysterical mess.

It's been kinda rough even before that, though--I've been abused by several people, to various extents. Horrific extents, in some cases. I was extremely bullied in high school, to the point where I had a mental breakdown over it and had to be pulled out. All of these things have left their scars. There was a point where I felt like I was going to lose my mind completely.

But... I don't know. I think, even with the bad things, my life hasn't been so bad. My father still catches me when I fall, always willing to set me back on my feet. My brother and sister-in-law, even with their quirks, are there for me. I have loyal, kind friends who I love more than the world itself. I have a creative mind to be proud of, characters I love doing things with, artistic talent that I finally don't completely cringe at.

And... my mother taught me so many things. She never gave up on me, even when things were really bad for me (and they got REALLY bad.) She always had faith in me, and she inspired me to want to help others. She inspired me to live. She still does, and she had that kind of impact on many others as well. I await the day my nephew is old enough to be able to be told all about her. Because I will. I will tell him all about his grandmother and how amazing she was. How much she loved him.

Even with the bad things that have happened in my life, I wouldn't say it's been completely horrible. It's something I'm proud of, despite my worst moments. I hate that I was hurt, I wish it didn't cause me so much pain. But I wouldn't erase it. If I hadn't gone through that pain, I probably wouldn't be half as good of a person as I am now.

So it's been kinda shitty, but mostly? I'm happy to be alive.

And now I'm at the verge of tears. Well, fuck.

Karuka wrote:

@QueenOfJebri

first of all, I'm really sorry for your loss, losing someone you love is never easy, but as I see you are very brave you learn from the pain, you become a better person.

I also wouldn't erased the pain I went through because that pain made who I am today. (the only thing I would erase is the health problems I got because of that time)

As long as you are healthy and can stand on your own legs, then you can do wonders in life, and I'm waiting the moment my health will be better to start dreaming again.

*cyber hug*

Thank you, that means a lot. I hope your health improves as soon as possible! *cyber hugs back!*