Hmm interesting thread, Shattered.

Yep I find the stereotypes out there sad, especially when sexuality is such a complex thing.
It's rare for me (as a bi) to hear much good about bis, and you actually sacrifice quite a few relationship possibilities by admitting to it too. I mean that some straight people as well as some gay people don't want to be with a bi.
They're entitled to that view of course - I don't see any problem there with that choice.

But I do find it a little strange in the sense that if you're (for example) straight, you're attracted to the opposite gender right? So why should that change just because the member of the opposite gender whom you're attracted to says they happen to also sometimes be attracted to the same gender? Why is that a problem? Does it threaten the first party in some way?

Also I find the gay stereotype of "wanting to jump all your straight friends" sometimes carries over in a nasty way into bi-land. Ie. Since I'm bi, I must want to jump everybody! *gasp* I don't actually get to have friendships or friend feelings...I just want your sex and I want it now. *coff coff* Hey, I'm a real person. It's not like that.

And I'm not interested in having a threesome with you and some "hot other person" so you can experiment and get your rocks off. Um, why would I be? Aren't you enough to satisfy my libido? (I ask rhetorically of course...of course... )

I think part of why people are so funny about bisexuals is that a lot of people can't wrap their heads around the idea of sexuality as a spectrum. And for a lot of people it's a stretch to see sexuality as anything other than THEIR sexuality. I admit I don't really UNDERSTAND what makes a man attractive to anyone most of the time, but I do try to just nod my head and say "that's cool". Besides, it would be damned hard to get laid if I couldn't do that.

But back to my point, bisexual kinda covers a lot of territory. Basically you have people who are interested romantically and sexually ONLY in the opposite sex (or at least, they suppress any tendency otherwise), and people who are interested romantically and sexually ONLY in their own sex (or at least...etc.). Is everyone else bisexual? What about that guy that is a little into men, but has never done anything with one and never plans to? I don't think you'd be wrong to call him bi, but he might. What about a woman that only responds to women emotionally, but only responds to men sexually? Frankly, someone in that situation has enough problems without worrying about people judging her. Or what about me? I've never done anything sexual with a man, and never been really attracted to a man sexually, but I would like to try it out some time, just for kicks. The thought certainly doesn't repulse me in the abstract. Does that make me bi too?

Taken like that, any kind of sexuality prejudice seems kinda silly. But it does seem to take folks a long time to notice that.

I get uncomfortable trying to talk to my husband about it. He's one of the people who think it cool. It was really wierd crushing on a boy one year and my (female) best friend the next in middle school. It's at once fun (I can admire ladies and gentlemen) and awkward-I'm just really shy sexually. I'll blabber on about this and that with people I hardly know, but....

Honestly. I am as far from the "Anything that Moves" trope as one could get without being chaste. I just love everybody and a lot of the time, I don't even mention the fact and have to give my husband a swift kick in the arse not to. It's not that I'm in the closet, it's the fact that I am faithful to the one I love.

The few other real bis I know in town are similar.

Gio wrote: I find discussing my sexuality with people not on the forum both awkward and incredibly easy, because I leave out the key bits of information that would suggest I'm bisexual. I play off as straight, which is amusing since my sexual history still lacks an encounter with a man. On one hand I feel bisexuals should have rights and be realized for something other than LOL WHORES, but at the same time, I have a very easy time giving up and just coming off as straight until such time as particulars become necessary. I wonder sometimes if this general willingness to fake it in basic conversation doesn't result in a lot fewer reporting bisexuals. If you can go either way it's a lot easier to just act straight and skip the judgment and explanations.

This is a good expression of how I often feel too, Gio.
When I'm around straight people they assume I'm straight. (I guess I should be happy the spectrum of what a "straight girl" can be these days is very flexible compared to the "straight guy"). Basically nobody straight ever assumes I'm gay without me telling them. It's a not a bad thing...I get enough judgment for tattoos (of all things - I mean who cares!) without having the horror-over-you-sexuality thrown into the equation.

Similarly when I'm around gay people they assume I'm gay. I guess that's handy too.
I mean, I'm not saying anything to lead either group on. It just happens. It's the one advantage of being bi that prob gives it such bad press! I suppose those groups can feel betrayed at a later date...they thought you were one of them, but you're really not what they consider one of them.

For me an analogy that I compare my experience to is actually tattoos. They're exactly the same. When I cover mine up, that nice shop owner down the road treats me like a lovely young girl and is very nice to me. When I show some of mine, that exact same shop owner becomes defensive and suspicious, and I'm obviously now a young criminal/weirdo. This happens the opposite way round when I meet a biker. OMG life is strange. These kinda experiences force me to try and not pre-react negatively to sub-groups I don't belong to. Like that emo kid on the corner.

Saying right out to either straight or gay people "I'm bi" is like showing a tattoo for me. It provokes a reaction, often based on a preconceived notion about tattoos and people with them. Which is often based on very little at all!

Maybe a better way to say it is to report on what one of my friends once said to me. I hadn't known her for very long and she basically came out one day and said: "I find you very hard to categorize. And I don't like that. Because I like to label people so I can better understand them and know how they relate to me. And then I'll dismiss certain groups of people and embrace others, based on my personal preference. But you tick certain box categories for me and fail to tick others...I don't know how to respond to that."

I guess we all do this to a degree. Maybe people have judged me for being bi but I judge them back for their reaction either way. It's a little confusing isn't it? This thing called life...

ShatteredMirror wrote:

As mentioned there, a lot of people assume that bisexuals are greedy, indecisive or just trying to be cool. Bisexuals are often rejected by both gay and straight communities. Being bi myself, I think this sucks.

One thing that I have noticed, though, is that there's a double standard for men and women. Women are assumed to be straight but trying to get a guy's attention, interested in a threesome or perhaps just slutty; men are usually seen as being gay but in denial and trying to hold on to some last chance at a heterosexual relationship.

I'm not sure who has it worse off in this case.

Perhaps "straight" men who have sex with men are a result of this stereotype.

Well, I know some curious/'cool' straight girls who act like bi, and they say honestly: I just want to have fun. Bi stereotype has never hurt me from male side: they were just eager to hear from me some stories.
Once I've heard that I can't make friends with anyone attractive, because I would fall in love or desire that person! I have no idea why people find bisexuals incapable of being faithful. Only people with sexual problems may desire every human being. -_-'

People always are against unknown, maybe there's hidden fear under that?

sharnii wrote:

When I'm around straight people they assume I'm straight. (...)
Similarly when I'm around gay people they assume I'm gay. I guess that's handy too.

YES, it does.
Usually I don't have to tell that I'm bi - girls hit on me even more frequent than guys. I have no idea how they know, I don't perceive myself as a temptress.

Actually, I'm starting to wonder if the opposite is true of me--that straight men assume I'm a lesbian, and lesbians assume I'm straight, because no one hits on me and that MUST be why.

I've definitely noticed with guys--more than once I've had one tell me 'Wow I thought you were a lesbian.' after I made some clear reference to not being so. It's at the point where I'll consciously slip a reference to an actor or something into conversations so people have a cue that I'm one way or another, because people seem to quickly categorize me as whatever they would not be sleeping with.

I'm glad you made this thread, because even though I created the one about lesbians I currently identify as bisexual. So far, my experience has not been too negative, but mostly because I don't really talk about my sexuality much and my friends were very supportive of me. It's something I'm still trying to figure out. All I know is I'm either bi or completely gay, but I also haven't ever been in a relationship, so it's hard to tell. Just recently a guy was into me for the first time and I felt uncomfortable around him even though he's really nice and we have a lot in common. But being physical with OTHER guys doesn't freak me out too much.

Maybe that's why I'm not as out as I'd like to be. I have it listed on my Facebook and I wear a Venus symbol necklace, but in person I don't really talk about it except to my close friends. I only told 1 new person at my college so far, and luckily she's ok with it. I think most people assume I'm straight, but back at my high school everyone thought I was a lesbian because I never had a boyfriend and dressed somewhat androgynously.

I feel bad about not being out because I've been reading a book called "Queer America" and it talks about the false comfort of the closet and how you shouldn't be ashamed to express something that is so normal for heterosexuals to express. I didn't say anything when a girl that I was talking to said that homosexuals were "an abomination in the eyes of God." She assumes I'm straight, and I don't want to cause any drama even though our beliefs are very different. We're discussing heterosexism in my diversity class later this semester, though, and I plan on coming out to my class then.

I think I might buy a rainbow or something, but then I also don't want guys to assume I'm only into girls. Ugh.

Anyway, I think that if we bisexuals allow others to assume things about us, we're doing nothing to break those stereotypes. It's up to us to be honest about our sexuality to other people, gay or straight, so that they can get to know us and see that we're not like the popular image of bisexuals.

I was looking at the bisexual products at cafe-press.com and all the slogans were like, "Meet my boyfriend. And girlfriend." And "Anyone want a threesome?" Pissed me off a little. The only one I liked had the slogan "Human: Everything else is irrelevant" though I like it for a different meaning than in the bisexual sense.

I want to prove to people that bisexuals can be in committed monogamous relationships and don't only think about sex. Once I'm a little more sure of my sexuality, I will make the attempt to be as open as possible about it.

As for media representations of bisexuals, I read somewhere that Law & Order has predominantly depicted us as crazy. Not so good, especially since it's one of my favorite shows. Though, I could totally swear Olivia Benson from SVU is bi. I can't think of any other bi characters in the media.

I'm not really sure what causes sexuality and if it can change. Like, maybe eventually I will prefer one gender over the other. But right now I like both, though since I'm fairly inexperienced as far as relationships go it's possible I could be wrong. I came out to my mom the other night and was so nervous, but she reacted pretty much the same way I expected her to: "You're too young to know yet blah blah blah."

Anyway, good thread. I suggest you read "Bi any other Name." It's a really good book with stories from bisexuals. For some reason I've been more interested in reading about lesbians lately, though.

I tend to favor "polymorphously perverse" to bi or other identifiers.  Bisexual seems to imply it's a dual choice, or that the particular binarism of sex characteristics is at the fore of attraction/interaction.  Pansexual implies I want to sex up the kitchenware.  Polymorphic perversity is more honest, and simultaneously sounds kinkier and more clinical.

Giovanna wrote:

Like_Autumn wrote:

I'm not really sure what causes sexuality and if it can change. Like, maybe eventually I will prefer one gender over the other. But right now I like both, though since I'm fairly inexperienced as far as relationships go it's possible I could be wrong. I came out to my mom the other night and was so nervous, but she reacted pretty much the same way I expected her to: "You're too young to know yet blah blah blah."

This is what I would get from my mother, so I haven't bothered to tell her. I think she knows, but what we don't discuss isn't important. It's also why I don't run around screaming that I'm bi. I haven't had any experience to speak of with a man, so I realize any argument I make for my sexual status right now is from an uninformed standpoint. In that regard I can kinda see where people come from about the 'How do you know yet?', but...it's just something you know. I may turn out to prefer one or the other, but I'm attracted enough to both to feel bisexual, so there.

My mother is more tolerant about gays than lesbians or bisexuals, I dunno why. I haven't told my parents yet, and I'm pretty afraid of doing it. I don't know why people have such a big problem with understanding bisexualism, I remember how long I had to explain this one guy. He thought it's my experiment or enormous sexual urge.
I'm happy that I can tell who is bi/homosexual almost from the beginning. It's pretty convenient. Despite the fact that IRG is the only one forum where I talk frankly about my orientation, sometimes I get PM from girls like: 'I had to tell you that you look beautiful babe...' or 'We love the same type of music. Destiny?' It's nice but makes me wonder why ME? Some of them writes this without any type of encouragement from my side. Another thing is, that I have average appearance and my look isn't so alluring to get those type of e-mails.
Enigmatic issue.

[Edit: Why do I commit so many mistakes? ]

Last edited by dlaire (09-14-2008 04:33:18 AM)

dlaire wrote:

I have average appearance and my look isn't so alluring to get those type of e-mails.

You know, if you're going to lie like that, you can't actually let us have seen any pictures of you.

And, in reference to the bisexual/asexual thing dollface brought up, I think that's the case for a lot of whom get termed bi.  There seems to be much more genital-concern with self-labeled straight or gay individuals.  Or, maybe it seems that way because I'm inherently biased.

I still maintain that it's perfectly okeh and perfectly functional to have sexual relationships that are not concerned with genital-contact and/or nonpenetrative-sex.  Sometimes it's preferable.

Jellikatz wrote: Now, I go for the Kinsey spectrum. Attraction is a fluid thing that can cross between genders.

Yep, I subscribe to this theory too. But I don't like subscribing to it too openly, because I have no desire to challenge other people's sexuality or concept of such. I guess for me that's similar to being careful not to come onto straight girls or gay guys. I want to respect their self-categorization.

lex wrote: I have yet to tell my parents anything about my sexual nature, because frankly, I just don't want to. Not out of shame or fear, because they always ask and I always just give open ended answers. But I have this feeling that they don't want to know, or they don't want to imagine me being sexual hehehehe.  My mom is pretty open about gays and lesbians even though she always brings up the bible and my dad doesn't speak about it.

Yeah I understand the reluctance to out and out tell people, especially family. I never bother anymore unless there's some pressing reason.
I've never had that many good reactions to speak of, even from friends!
When I told my family they were devastated, every last one of them. To them it was huge societal shame, a disease for me, demons to be cast out (that was not so fun for me ), something that I had to hide, and an awful secret that would reflect horribly on them if it ever came out.

Now the present day ramifications of this long ago trauma are kinda interesting...psychologically.
My parents (Mum originally disowned me and Dad originally begged me to change) now pretend I'm straight. They're always happiest if I have a boyfriend. Mum always wants me to marry him as soon as possible (regardless of who he is lol) so that I'll be cured. If I talk about sexuality she gets very very upset. So I generally don't.
My brother (who originally attacked me - I left home then) has started to admit that he thinks he might be either gay or asexual. We have a good relationship now and talk deeply about sexuality often.
My sister (who was creeped out), is still creeped out, but is trying to understand and come to some acceptance. I can see it's hard for her with our family background, so I really appreciate her efforts (and those of anyone in that position!) Actually since we're both Buffy fans, the Willow/Tara relationship really helped her out. Because she felt for those characters, she developed some empathy toward gay relationships. Yay for positive media! Now I'm making every effort to get her to watch SKU.

Now, where oh where is the positive bi charrie in media...I need you...come on...somebody write you....pleassssse...

Stormcrow wrote: As long as sexuality itself is something that people feel they need an excuse for, the idea of bisexuality is going to have a hard time getting traction. Because the idea that I might have sex with someone simply because I want to is offensive to a whole lot of people.

That is a good observation, Storm. People do seem to feel the need to excuse sex.

Of course being bi doesn't have to mean that you have sex with lots of people (despite the stereotype), or even have more sex than straight or gay people. It doesn't even necessarily mean that you need to have had sex. Having sex doesn't make a straight person straight after all...

So why is sex the test for whether someone is bi? Or even gay? (up to a point)

I suppose the reason is because, being the majority, being straight is the "default setting" or considered the norm. As long as the media perpetuates that norm, than being bi is something that must be tested by sex. I say, tongue in cheek, "Preferably with a LOT of people, and just for the fun of it."

It would be nice to see a bi virgin in the media.