This is a static copy of In the Rose Garden, which existed as the center of the western Utena fandom for years. Enjoy. :)

#1 | Back to Top02-05-2014 08:52:55 AM

The_White_Horse
Rose Smilee
From: Galloping through the sky
Registered: 06-05-2008
Posts: 131
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A Self-insert fanfic. Shall I continue?

Just want to know if I should keep writing this or if I should scrap it. Want some feedback. I'm trying to keep the protagonist pretty vague so that it's not so much a particular OC figure. It has no title yet.
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I didn’t know where I was at first, but in the back of my mind, I knew the sound of the bells. Petals drifted across my view of what looked like battlements lining a circling wall.

There was a sword in my hand. I looked down at it. It was a regal thing, seeming to shine in it’s own light. But it wasn’t that sword. Not the sword of Dios.

That was laying under my foot, amid a scattering of white rose petals.

I knew who that rose belonged to. I followed the trail of them, my mind refusing to believe the pattern on the floor of the arena, the figure kneeling on the ground, covering her breast pocket with one hand as her pink hair fluttered in the breeze.

I was at Ohtori.

“Congratulations, classmate. I am the Rose Bride.”

I had just won a duel.

Against Utena.

I looked up at the dark-skinned woman who had spoken. Anthy, my mind supplied the name helpfully, as if I were watching a tv show. I should have been. These characters were from a tv show.

So why did I feel the wind tugging at my hair and clothes? Why did I hear Utena sobbing as if in surround sound? And why was Anthy smiling staticly at me?

“Anthy,” Utena called out, heartbreak in her voice, “I’m sorry. I couldn’t save you...”

Why was she saying that? Why had I dueled her? Wasn’t I concerned about Anthy too? I used to be...

Numbly, I let myself be led away, following along behind the Rose Bride like an obedient lamb. We were headed for the old building Utena had lived in. Anthy was taking me inside. She was leading me upstairs. To a room I knew.

“Anthy...?” I uttered, ready to release a thousand questions. The look she gave me was hard to describe, but it silenced me right away.

“Why don’t you get some sleep?” she asked me sweetly, “You’re all worn out from fighting.”

I was, I realized. My muscles ached and I could feel them twinge like independent living things under my skin. I became aware of the scent of fresh sweat then as well. Knowing that, I politely declined the bed, in favor of the shower. She nodded, seemingly happily, in that voided way she always smiled.

I debated staying in the shower longer than it took to clean my body. As long as I was in here, I wasn’t interacting with supposedly 2D figures, after all. But my fingers were pruning and my legs were protesting. I eventually dried off, dressed in a provided nightshirt and pants, and joined Anthy again in the main room.

She was sitting on her bed, watching me with interest, her Rose Bride gown having changed into the school uniform. Her hair was undone.

I shivered at the sight, without knowing why.

She patted the bed beside her, and I found myself sitting there next to her, without understanding why. I turned to ask her a question

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#2 | Back to Top02-05-2014 02:04:04 PM

Riri-kins
World's End
From: Cloud Nine
Registered: 09-22-2008
Posts: 2354

Re: A Self-insert fanfic. Shall I continue?

I won't lie.  Original duelists have been done to death. Who are we supposed to pull for? Utena or your character?  Another thing is I can't see anybody but Touga or Akio having a significant advantage against her. You'd really have to show me how strong this person was. If you're going to make an original duelist I'd like him or her to be an antagonist.

Now I like that you didn't make your prose purple. I see far too much of that in fanfiction.


Proud Saionji and Mikage fangirl
My Utena fanfiction: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2000115/Riri-kins

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#3 | Back to Top02-05-2014 02:53:50 PM

Kita-Ysabell
Covert Diarist
Registered: 11-18-2012
Posts: 829
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Re: A Self-insert fanfic. Shall I continue?

The answer to "should I continue this?" is always "It's up to you."

What do you get out of writing it?  What do you want to get out of writing it?  If you keep writing, how will you proceed?  If you scrap it, then what?  Is it more valuable to you to re-think your premise and discard what you have, or to practice the act of turning a concept into an actual written piece, even if you're dissatisfied with the product? (This dissatisfaction is inevitable, by the way.  That's the nature of any act of creation.  Learning to deal with it is important.)

These are questions that only you can answer.

That said, you're not going to get away with not developing a duelist.  Especially not if she beats Utena.  If you're going to pull this premise off at all, it'll be on the strength of how the characteristics of the OC duelist relate to existing characters and themes.  I maintain that (whether it's done to death or not) there is more to be said about the characters and scenario of SKU that an OC duelist could draw out, but it's a delicate balance.  One that I have, in the past, failed to maintain.


"Et in Arcadio ego..."

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#4 | Back to Top02-05-2014 05:29:31 PM

The_White_Horse
Rose Smilee
From: Galloping through the sky
Registered: 06-05-2008
Posts: 131
Website

Re: A Self-insert fanfic. Shall I continue?

I admit, it's entirely self-satifying.  Probably shouldn't post it anywhere.

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#5 | Back to Top02-06-2014 01:18:02 AM

satyreyes
no, definitely no cons
From: New Orleans, Louisiana
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 10328
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Re: A Self-insert fanfic. Shall I continue?

Kita said it best: it's up to you.  This could be the beginning of a kickass story or a blah one.  You have a nice hook, which is that your protagonist has no idea who e is or why e was dueling.  Personally, I like a good amnesia story, and this story drops us straight into the amnesia-driven conflict, which seems promising.  And I don't have sympathy for the viewpoint that you shouldn't write an OC duelist because everyone writes OC duelists.  But: do you know where you're going with it?  Do you know what your OC's motivations are?  Do you know what Anthy's motivations are?  There's nothing wrong, when you're writing for fun, with just dropping some characters in a situation and seeing what happens.  But as a general rule, before the story can be good and not just fun, you need to have an end in mind from the beginning.

IRG is happy to host fanfics that are fun, fanfics that are good, and fanfics that are horrible.  emot-smile  So it really is up to you.

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#6 | Back to Top02-06-2014 05:02:48 AM

Snow
Troublesome Insect
From: under the dogstar sail
Registered: 09-30-2013
Posts: 643

Re: A Self-insert fanfic. Shall I continue?

Ivy-chan, in the 'Pet Peeves In Utena Fanfiction' thread wrote:

- Ignoring the whole point of the series and having Anthy give up, come back to the academy, and start the Duels anew with Akio. Especially if the point of that is to glorify an OC.

Not applicable to this situation, and your fic so far is nowhere near it, but reading and remembering this made me think of something that would, to me at least, be a pretty good hook for a fanfic.
Let's say you insert an OC that is perfectly capable of defeating every character and make everything turn around them. Then, instead of glorifying said OC and concentrating on wish-fulfillment, like so many fics in so many fandoms do, this could focus on just how much damage and destruction (perhaps even unknowingly and unwillingly, as your character seems to do it) a person with Akio-like power over the universe and the people (but sans Akio-like wisdom, purpose and awareness) could make in a fragile ecosystem that is Ohtori Academy. 
A complete Mary Sue can make any other universe spin around them, but the world of SKU is far from any other, and I have no doubt it would massively subvert even that. And I think it opens up a lot of interesting storytelling possibilities.

I am in no way telling you where you should direct your work, and what you have thought up is probably completely different. But if you're feeling directionless, this is just a random idea.
I have little experience with reading fanfiction and zero in writing it, so I'm probably missing the whole point here.

And as was already said, your style is quite refreshing. Direct and without diabetes-inducing useless flourishes. I quite like it emot-keke

And the decision on whether or not you should continue writing is entirely up to you. It's your own time and effort you'll be investing if you do, anyway. But regardless of that, you have my support, if it means anything!

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#7 | Back to Top02-07-2014 11:45:34 AM

The_White_Horse
Rose Smilee
From: Galloping through the sky
Registered: 06-05-2008
Posts: 131
Website

Re: A Self-insert fanfic. Shall I continue?

I think my biggest problem with writing Utena fanfiction is that the story is already so... /told/. like... I don't feel like there's much I can do to explore in that world. but I want more of it, so I want to write fanfics

My intention with this one was to go into how sex with anthy probably wouldn't be all that awesome. Like... I was going to have it be all 'she makes you want it, but you know you shouldn't' and it was gonna be tense and stuff, but the context is hard to come up with, because to go through the gamut of feelings i'm thinking of, you have to know Anthy's position. So who better than a fan of the show who is swooped into the series for some reason

I'm thinking maybe it's to get utena to regain her conviction to fight for anthy? maybe?

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#8 | Back to Top02-07-2014 09:45:41 PM

Yasha
Bitch Queen
From: Edmonton, AB, Canada
Registered: 10-15-2006
Posts: 6031
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Re: A Self-insert fanfic. Shall I continue?

Ugh, man, whenever I write smut it turns into huge long things so I'm just gonna throw some shit out there. Starting with the basic premise of "sex with Anthy isn't actually fun"...

- this could be in the past, and it could be from Akio's point of view. Now that would be messed up, and I bet it would make a lot of people angry, but for my money it would be one of the more fun things to write.

- this could be in the past, and it could be with another duelist that she's manipulating. It's fair to say that the dueling games existed in some form all along, so Anthy's probably done her time in other people's beds. That's the one most likely to become HUGE LONG WTF because then you have to explain the character, what the dueling games are like or even if they're dueling games at all, whether they're still in Japan, etc etc etc.

- this could be from Anthy's point of view, pre-apocalypse. She could be thinking about all the tiny ways her body betrays her unwillingness and how the person in bed with her (whether it's Akio or someone else, although someone else would make the most sense) doesn't notice. Another one that would be fun to write. Then again, my sense of fun isn't right.

- Anthy's POV, post-apocalypse. Mush with Utena. Been done a million times, but if you want to take a hack at it, go ahead.

- partner's POV, post-apocalypse-- probably Utena. More mush, but if you like that sort of thing, go for it emot-keke

That's off the top of my head here, if that helps at all, cool. If it doesn't, please ignore emot-keke


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#9 | Back to Top02-08-2014 12:43:40 AM

satyreyes
no, definitely no cons
From: New Orleans, Louisiana
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 10328
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Re: A Self-insert fanfic. Shall I continue?

I actually think a self-insert character could work here as well.  But if the point is sex with Anthy not being much fun, I wouldn't start the story with the duel against Utena, because if a character beats Utena in Chapter 1 then that's what the story is about.  It's not that your SI can't beat Utena, it's just that that's probably not where you want your reader's attention to be.  I would start the story after the duel, and have Utena be only a distant presence in the story -- unless Utena is an important part of the reason why sex with Anthy isn't much fun.  But I am no authority on good writing, so take my advice with a grain of salt.  (Except the advice about taking my advice with a grain of salt.  That advice you should take seriously.  This advice as well.)

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#10 | Back to Top02-10-2014 04:40:34 PM

The_White_Horse
Rose Smilee
From: Galloping through the sky
Registered: 06-05-2008
Posts: 131
Website

Re: A Self-insert fanfic. Shall I continue?

These are all good points. I haven't written in a while, and i've never written smut, so I guess i'm approaching the whole thing awkwardly emot-keke;;;

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#11 | Back to Top02-10-2014 09:18:10 PM

Alithea
Dark Whisperer
From: Westminster, CO
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 1152
Website

Re: A Self-insert fanfic. Shall I continue?

I think the potential to take the premise of this story to new and exciting places is well within the realm of possibility, and you should continue. But as others have said before me it's up to you. As a writer there are two pieces of advice I want to leave you with. They are quotes from writers far greater than I can hope to be, but I live by them, and the lesson in both is very much the same.

"Sit very still and ask yourself, as a reader, what piece of writing in all the world Buddy Glass would most like to read if he had his heart's choice. The next step is terrible, but so simple I can hardly beleive it as I write it. You just sit down shamelessly and write the thing yourself. I won't even underline that... It's too important to be underlined."- Seymour from Seymour: An Introduction by J.D. Salinger

"The only reason to write is to write for love. Write for passion. If you have the privilege of being able to write, then don't do it for any other reason." - Stephen Sondheim

Always write the story you want to read, the story you want to tell because you love it. Don't do it for the approval of the masses. And share it with others even if you think it stinks. Because, if you've written your heart out then your story will resonate with someone. But, more importantly, even if the someone the story resonates is just yourself you've achieved something.


"The only reason to write is to write for love. Write for passion. If you have the privilege of being able to write, then don't do it for any other reason." - Stephen Sondheim

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#12 | Back to Top02-10-2014 11:05:59 PM

Yasha
Bitch Queen
From: Edmonton, AB, Canada
Registered: 10-15-2006
Posts: 6031
Website

Re: A Self-insert fanfic. Shall I continue?

Alithea is totally right. I was going on the assumption that you wanted to change the premise of the story; if I made you feel like you should change it, I'm very sorry. That wasn't at all how I meant it. If the premises give your pinball something to bounce off, that's all I wanted. emot-smile


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#13 | Back to Top02-10-2014 11:30:04 PM

Giovanna
Ends of the Fandom
From: Edmonton, AB
Registered: 10-12-2006
Posts: 8797
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Re: A Self-insert fanfic. Shall I continue?

Alithea wrote:

Always write the story you want to read, the story you want to tell because you love it. Don't do it for the approval of the masses. And share it with others even if you think it stinks. Because, if you've written your heart out then your story will resonate with someone. But, more importantly, even if the someone the story resonates is just yourself you've achieved something.

I totally agree with the sentiment that you should write what, figuratively, gets your rocks off. Other people will write exactly what they want. As for sharing? Well as an SKU fan and a site administrator I absolutely love when people share. As an incredibly selfish writer of horrifying purple explicitly self-inserted Literotica style shit? Uh...some things you keep to yourself.

Either way, the point is that you enjoy what you're writing. emot-smile


Akio, you have nice turns of phrase, but your points aren't clear and you have no textual support. I can't give this a passing grade.
~ Professor Arisa Konno, Eng 1001 (Freshman Literature and Composition)

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