This is a static copy of In the Rose Garden, which existed as the center of the western Utena fandom for years. Enjoy. :)

#26 | Back to Top06-11-2007 09:28:53 AM

hyacinth_black
une personne horrible
From: Waiting at the window.
Registered: 10-21-2006
Posts: 3301
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Persephone wrote:

Most of my poetry is splurged out on paper, if I feel it isn't going in the right direction, I scrap it.

Ususally I'll just start feeling in the mood for poetry and I'll write something.  I dunno why, but it always works on the first try for me.  I can't force it, though.  And I can't just sit down and write if I'm not in my creative mood.  Otherwise all I get is pure CRAP.



Oh, and I love your poems Frosty.  I'd hardly say the rhyme scheme is childish.  It works very well with your words.

Actually it reminds me of this one girl, Joysephine Poe, who also writes(wrote?) poetry.  I read her stuff in this really bad inspirational teen book for girls called Ophelia Speaks.  Joysephine Poe's stuff was the only part of the book that I liked/could stomach.  Other than this one hilarious piece about a girl who wrote a story during a psychiatrist session about how damn bad her psychiatrist is.  Funny stuff.


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#27 | Back to Top06-15-2007 03:13:34 PM

Frosty
Everyone's Best Friend
From: United States
Registered: 11-16-2006
Posts: 1269
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

We can quote famous poems of interest here, right?

I love story poems, or story songs, anything that tells a story, I love!!! This poem is untitled, but should be: "The Proper Way to Interpret Utena". emot-biggrin


It was six man of Indostan
To learning much inclined,
Who went to see the elephant
Though all of them were blind
That each by observation
Might satisfy his mind.
The first approached the elephant
And, happening to fall
Against the broad and sturdy side,
At once began to bawl:
“Why bless me! But the elephant
Is very much like a wall!”
The second, feeling of the tusk,
Cried: “Ho! What have we here
So very round and smooth and sharp?
To me, ‘tis very clear,
This wonder of an elephant
Is very like a spear!”
The third approached the animal,
And, happening to take
The squirming trunk within his hands
Thus boldly up he spake:
“I see,” quoth he, “the elephant
Is very like a snake!”
The fourth reached out his eager hand
And felt about the knee:
“What most this wondrous beast is like
Is very plain,” quoth he:
“’Tis clear enough the elephant
Is very like a tree!”
The fifth who chanced to touch the ear
Said: “E’evn the blindest man
Can tell what this resembles most-
Deny the fact who can:
This marvel of an elephant
Is very like a fan!”
The sixth no sooner had begun
About the beast to grope
Than, seizing on the swinging tail
That fell within his scope.
“I see,” quoth he, “the elephant
Is very like a rope!”
And so these men of Indostan
Disputed loud and long,
Each in his own opinion
Exceeding stiff and strong;
Though each was partly in the right,
And all were in the wrong.



-John G. Saxe


Just remember that the things you put into your head are there forever, he said. You might want to think about that. / You forget some things, don't you? / Yes. You forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget.

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#28 | Back to Top06-16-2007 03:03:40 AM

beautifulpanther
Qualified Duellist
From: Austria
Registered: 05-01-2007
Posts: 795
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

I know... my poems are crappy in english... but I really had the urge to write this one off my soul before I#m going to explode...

---

The raging me

I want things to be over
I want to linger in a corner
And wish this life was just a dream

I bring suffer to those I love
Can’t do a fucking thing against it
Sometimes I wonder

Do I even deserve the love?
I don’t deserve a single thing

When I close my eyes
I see those faces
And fists smacking my pride

You’re disgusting
You’re disturbed
You’re not normal

I never wanted this FUCKING LIFE!
NOBODY ASKED ME FOR A CHOICE!

I hide my tears
And set up my mask
The mask of an animal

And I rage
Oh HOW I rage
Blood left wherever my steps take me

I want you all to pay
Pay for what you did to me

My lips love metallic taste
Fresh blood and flesh drip from my claws
And I dance in the moonlight and laugh

I am the raging panther
Celebrating slaughter in arousal
Destroying what comes in my way!

I will also destroy the one
who hurts my reflection, my love…

And I tell you one thing
YOU will suffer and YOU will regret
The day you were born!!!


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Bianca   *1989 - +14.09.2007

"A duel against a feather has nothing to do with provocation or letting you look like a fool. Duelling the feather, the essence of all art and truth written down on paper, is a duel against your inner self to find security and cognition" (©Octavian)

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#29 | Back to Top06-19-2007 04:22:37 AM

Frosty
Everyone's Best Friend
From: United States
Registered: 11-16-2006
Posts: 1269
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

That's a very dramatic piece, beautifulpanther, thanks for sharing! Also, thank you Hyacynth for complimenting my poem - you'll never know how a solitary word of affirmation can work wonders of encouragement! Very nice! emot-keke

I found a poem called "The Anatomy of Happiness" which is pretty silly and surely clever enough to be retold here...

Lots of truisms don't have to be repeated but there is one that has got to be,
Which is that it is much nicer to be happy then it is not to be,
And I shall even add to it by stating unequivocally and without restraint
That you are much happier when you are happy than when you ain't.
Some people are just naturally Pollyanna,
While others call for sugar and cream and strawberries on their manna.
Now, I think we all ought to say a fig for the happiness that comes of thinking helpful thoughts and searching your soul,
The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forced beyond your control,
Because if you just depend on your helpful thoughts for your happiness and would just as soon drink buttermilk as champagne, and if mink is no better than lapin to you,
Why you don't even deserve to have anything nice and exciting to happen to you.
If you are really Master of your Fate,
It shouldn't make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is your mate,
So I hold no brief for the kind of happiness or the kind of unhappiness that some people constantly carry around in their breast,
Because that kind of happiness simply consist of being resigned to the worst just as that kind of unhappiness consists of being resentful of the best.
No, there is only one kind of happiness that I take the stump for,
Which is the kind that comes when something so wonderful falls in your lap that joy is what you jump for,
Something not of your own doing,
When the blue sky opens and out pops a refund from the Government or an invitation to a terrapin dinner or an uphoped-for Yes from the lovely creature you have been disconsolately wooing.
And obviously such miracles don't happen every day,
But here's hoping they may,
Because then everybody would be happy except the people who pride themselves on creating their own happiness who as soon as they saw everybody who didn't create their own happiness happy they would probably grieve over sharing their own heretofore private sublimity,
A condition which I could face with equanimity.

                                                   - Ogden Nash


Just remember that the things you put into your head are there forever, he said. You might want to think about that. / You forget some things, don't you? / Yes. You forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget.

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#30 | Back to Top06-19-2007 08:51:16 AM

hyacinth_black
une personne horrible
From: Waiting at the window.
Registered: 10-21-2006
Posts: 3301
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

I LOVE OGDEN NASH!  He is so funny!

'Specially his little poems about animals.  :3


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#31 | Back to Top06-19-2007 10:50:35 AM

Alexandra
Covert Diarist
From: Dreamworld
Registered: 04-07-2007
Posts: 808

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

This one I wrote about after regretting having sex.  It goes with the Utena song "Tsumi no Kajitsu" (Akio and Anthy's bedtime scene music).

Poisonous

Contorting dripping limbs until the muscles sore
Wondering when it's over; why it feels like a chore
To do as commanded and resist without feeling
To go from lying down to standing up to kneeling
Whispers mean nothing as eyes begin to close
Desperate to leave and silence these woes
And pain always outshines the pleasure
No amount of contact can soothe this endeavor
With afterward vows and promises to wait
To save and preserve it before it's too late
And find the one that manages to change it all
To alleviate the heaviness and bring down the wall
That sparkle of light has yet to be seen
For darkness and agony have been the routine
It's better to be alone than have an unwanted guest
Who manipulates with deceit and expects no protest
So what is one to do while that poison decays?
Remain detached and imagine soaring away.

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#32 | Back to Top06-19-2007 02:43:44 PM

Sey
Our Sicilian Prince
From: S. Cataldo, Sicily, Italy
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 268
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

That's cool. I'd love to post my poems, but unfortunatly they are written in italian and I'm not good at translate without deform their original meaning emot-frown

Last edited by Sey (06-19-2007 02:44:09 PM)


Your lovely "That's Amore" IRG User.

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#33 | Back to Top06-19-2007 02:55:37 PM

Giovanna
Ends of the Fandom
From: Edmonton, AB
Registered: 10-12-2006
Posts: 8797
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

DO IT ANYWAY

I personally have no problem reading them and not understanding a word. Vomit sounds pretty in Italian. etc-wankgirl


Akio, you have nice turns of phrase, but your points aren't clear and you have no textual support. I can't give this a passing grade.
~ Professor Arisa Konno, Eng 1001 (Freshman Literature and Composition)

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#34 | Back to Top06-19-2007 03:09:10 PM

Sey
Our Sicilian Prince
From: S. Cataldo, Sicily, Italy
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 268
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Giovanna wrote:

DO IT ANYWAY

I personally have no problem reading them and not understanding a word. Vomit sounds pretty in Italian. etc-wankgirl

You make me blush, dear!
Well if this is not a problem I'll post it.

This first one was originally made for a SKU RP. This should be the duel chorus.

Lo Scandalo della Statua Neoclassica.

La paura: preservazione del genere Umano.
Il grottesco mondo dello Spirito è la chiave del mistero della vita.
Un uccello che vola, un uccello che cinguetta,
Una fredda statua che sorride; la sua ricerca affannosa di emozioni.
La statua sorride, ma non è felice.
La statua canta, ma non esce voce.
Ah! Il tumulto della Montagna ha trasformato gli uomini in statue!
Un guscio splendente e vuoto.
La ricerca del piacere, illusione perfetta dello Spirito.
La nascita di ciò che chiamiamo Amore è lo specchio dello Spirito.
Un cammino circolare, un cammino a spirale con una sola via,
La bara stessa della morte.
Sventura! Sventura!
Il Collasso della Statua.
Sventura! Sventura!
La rottura dello Spirito con il Cerchio.
Il pianto della statua è senza lacrime.
Sventura! Sventura!
L’uccello è caduto dal nido.
Ah! La Colossale Statua è l’Ingranaggio Vivente!
Perfetta imperfezione!
L’Ingranaggio e la Colossale Statua.
Movimenti infinti, moti rivoluzionari del Millennio!
L’Ingranaggio e la Colossale Statua.
L’uccello era il genio creatore.
Qualcuno ha fermato l’ingranaggio, qualcuno ha ingabbiato l’uccello.
Gioite! Gioite! Al colpevole sono stati cavati gli occhi!
Gioite! Gioite! Al colpevole è stata strappata la lingua!
L’enorme statua si è fermata.
Ah! Sventurata macchina! Sei Stata vendicata!
Sorridi di nuovo!
Canta di nuovo!
Il colpevole è stato preso!
Il colpevole è stato preso!
Gioite! Gioite! Al colpevole sono state strappate le ali!
La Statua e L’Ingranaggio: il farsi dinamico dello Spirito.
La Statua e L’uccello: architettura meravigliosa.
La Statua e la Montagna: Ascesi!

The second one... this poem have no title, it's kinda hermetic.

Ti giuro eterno amore.
Sono tuo, per sempre.

Passerò solo un secondo con te
Ti guarderò solo per un attimo.
Ma quell’attimo, quel secondo
Durerà in eterno.
Perché solo il tuo sguardo mi
Rende eterno.

Eternità


Your lovely "That's Amore" IRG User.

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#35 | Back to Top06-19-2007 03:31:26 PM

Asfalolh
Knight of Gates
From: Barcelona (Catalonia)
Registered: 10-23-2006
Posts: 2005

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

emot-aaa emot-aaa emot-aaa emot-aaa emot-aaa

The first one... could work perfectly as a duel chorus (or a Greek chorus, for that matter). It's great!!! -though there are some words I should look for in a dictionary... emot-redface

The second one has also an SKU feeling; it reminds me of Saionji (oh, I hope you don't feel devastated for it emot-tongue). And something else: have you read any gnostical literature -antique syrian, or so? I think it shares some similities with your poem, but I'm not sure... maybe it's because they also like to play with the value of time.

Conclusion: etc-love

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#36 | Back to Top06-19-2007 05:03:33 PM

Almaser
Qualified Duellist
From: Brisbane
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 727

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

This is a song/poem I wrote a while back, which I've still yet to give a proper title:

---
It's her name that's stiched in blood red silk
With the threads of dying sighs
It's her remains that poison you
And seep between your thighs
She's the reckless God of a pantheon
Of indifferent swords and shields
You're the sacrifice to divided lines
It's your folly that she wields.

Her lips swallow no words of heaven,
Her hand holds no lost land of light,
Marked in stone and circumstance,
She calls the name of Night.

It's her breast that shifts with stormy breath
Her hands that twist the high green leaves
Her violence the violet spear
Your heart of wood relieves
She's the heartfelt song of a trobadour
In a world of rusted notes
You're the paper, line and the metre four
Your memory the sonic motes

In my hands I hold no words of peace
From this fount no more youth can spring
I am but a harbinger
Of memories of wings

Do not hold her tight
Do not drink her wine
Do not divide with her the Night
Along this golden broken Line

It's her choice that worlds should fall to ash
With the whitefire blades of a nuclear god
It's her lost cause that summons you
To die by Mercy's rod
She's not the answer to a dreamer's pain
When the Day appears above
She's the Radiant Dawn and the Broken Sleep
Masked in the Names of your love.

While your shade may stand intangible
Not so the candle in your heart
Stains of blood and molten wax
Are but her shallow Art

Do not hold her close
Do not lay down here
A kiss like a heroin overdose
Shall teach you truly how to fear
---

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#37 | Back to Top06-19-2007 08:43:17 PM

Stormcrow
Magical Flying Moron
From: Los Angeles
Registered: 04-24-2007
Posts: 5971
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Sey wrote:

Perché solo il tuo sguardo mi
Rende eterno.

Outstanding.  I'm afraid Babel Fish rendered the first poem only barely intelligible, but it was at least as clear as the translated dueling songs.emot-biggrin

Thanks for sharing.etc-love


"The devil want me as is, but god he want more."
-Truck North
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#38 | Back to Top06-24-2007 02:23:38 AM

dlaire
A Whole Orange
From: Poland
Registered: 04-08-2007
Posts: 2322

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

I don't know Italian emot-frown

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#39 | Back to Top06-25-2007 09:59:28 AM

hyacinth_black
une personne horrible
From: Waiting at the window.
Registered: 10-21-2006
Posts: 3301
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

I don't think any of us do.  But does that matter?

IT'S ITALIAN!!! etc-wankgirletc-wankgirletc-wankgirletc-wankgirl

AWWGH!!!!!!!!

I am having the worst Poet's block of my life.  I try to write something, but it is terrible.

emot-frown

Maybe I'll have something next time.


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#40 | Back to Top08-07-2007 11:14:03 PM

Ragnarok
Caption Captor
From: Canada
Registered: 10-20-2006
Posts: 4472
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

I wrote a poem!!

I only write when I'm too sleep deprived to be properly embarrassed of my 'talent,' so enjoy this while you can.

(Notes: 1. I don't know anything about writing poetry. 2. There's no tune to go with it, though I listened to X Japan's Drain for the whole of the writing process. 3. It wasn't meant to have any relation to SKU when it started, honest. 4. English needs better gender-neutral pronouns.)

I'm the predator whose meal
comes running at his behest
Transferring all my hunger
into their unwitting breast

I court my playthings slowly
though their fate is clear to all
When one more step can't hurt them
I shall lead them to their fall

My brightly polished mirror
shows all that they desire
No hint upon its surface
of the demon by the fire

So step into my funhouse
where dwells your forsaken goal
You'll never even notice
it's a junkyard for your soul

I am the angler fish who,
gently waving to his prey,
Promises eternal bliss
for a brief and sudden stay

A man is only rich as
the tales that he devises
Truth's not appetizing on
a French menu filled with lies

So perfect is the facade
in front of their eyes I weave
The truth I place beside them
and they'll choose to be deceived

So step into my funhouse
where dwells your forsaken goal
You'll never even notice
it's a junkyard for your soul

Candlelight just dim enough
reflects off of marble busts
Any brighter and you'd see
frozen grins of former guests

Your passion will consume you
with blood pounding in your ears
Stripping naked before me
while I learn your darkest fears

One taste's all it ever takes
and at my side you'll revel
In a world of chasten gods
Eden's run by the devil

So step into my funhouse
where dwells your forsaken goal
You'll never even notice
it's a junkyard for your soul


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#41 | Back to Top08-26-2007 09:25:00 AM

Tenjou_sailorsaturn
Someday Shiner
From: Floating Castle
Registered: 10-17-2006
Posts: 2417
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Not long ago I wrote this:

Farewell, My...

Someday, we will shine together

                  I believe, we will meet someday, again

Parting, is the beginning of missing

                 Meeting, is the start of overwhelming joy

For now, I shall give you one long last look

                 To lock you face in my memory, well secured

Don't ask me not to miss you, too cruel, that will be

                 I will keep myself strong, healthy and happy

So farewell, and go

                To go along your destined path

And this one I wrote a bit earlier:

Oh Come! Tell Me How You Live

'Oh come, tell me how you live

How you can live happily by

Counting the stars in sky

Oh let me know you through and through, 'cuz

My curious mind is killing me.'

'Endless questions, endless speech

That's THE weakness of mankind

Endless looking, endless goals

Let mankind being kept away from

Longlasting joy.'

'Must we have to give up

Everything we own and want

However dear or memorable

On the way to seek true happiness?'

'Why, it's half true, only half true

Yet mankind still have to seek, an

Open heart, an open mind

Unto oneself, to bring true peace.'

'Live in harmony, then, with all lives

Is the only way, in this

Vast world, to feel

Endless happiness, right?'

P.S. As a matter of interest, for the second poem, you may want to read the first letters of each line vertically.

P.S.S. And I wrote a Chinese poem about two weeks ago. I'll post both the Chinese and translated version when I get satisfied with my translation. Please be forewarned that I don't care about rhyming much, what I care is about the message that I want to tell you.


生命是奇蹟,但是為什麼生活是痛苦的?

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#42 | Back to Top08-26-2007 01:04:15 PM

NajiMinkin
Hacker Ringleader
From: The Incredible Edible Egg
Registered: 06-23-2007
Posts: 2537

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Ragnarok wrote:

I don't know anything about writing poetry.

That's sometimes for the best. It gives your work a certain purity.

Ragnarok wrote:

There's no tune to go with it, though I listened to X Japan's Drain for the whole of the writing process.

I hear demented carnival music when I read it. I think it's the "funhouse" thing... But this definitely is a musical poem!

Ragnarok wrote:

3. It wasn't meant to have any relation to SKU when it started, honest.

Hee hee. SKU has a nasty little habit of sneaking into things...

Ragnarok wrote:

4. English needs better gender-neutral pronouns.

Amen to that! Now, on the poem itself, I think it's wonderful. You have clear, lyrical beat and there isn't a single cliché. I think the end could use a little tightening (one typo with Eve's run and a syllable missing in the third line of paragraph ten), maybe a title, and you will have perfection. It really, really reminds me of the song Vicious Cabaret from V for Vendetta.

Tenjou_sailorsaturn wrote:

Farewell, My...

Not much to say on this poem. It just makes me happy and echoes that wonderful picture Utena and Anthy meeting again. etc-love

Tenjou_sailorsaturn wrote:

Oh Come!

How clever! I've tried to do that vertical spelling trick before, but it always sounds forced. I especially like the "come tell" section and I find it interesting that you ended the poem in a question. It adds on to the conversational feel of the whole thing, though I'm not sure if I read it as one person's monologue or a two person conversation.


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#43 | Back to Top08-26-2007 10:54:01 PM

Ragnarok
Caption Captor
From: Canada
Registered: 10-20-2006
Posts: 4472
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

NajiMinkin wrote:

Amen to that! Now, on the poem itself, I think it's wonderful. You have clear, lyrical beat and there isn't a single cliché. I think the end could use a little tightening (one typo with Eve's run and a syllable missing in the third line of paragraph ten), maybe a title, and you will have perfection. It really, really reminds me of the song Vicious Cabaret from V for Vendetta.

Aw, thank you! You're too kind. emot-smile (I mean, "busts" and "guests" don't even rhyme...)

Third line of paragraph ten is "Stripping naked before me" yes? I say it with seven syllables myself.

And I can't find the typo, either. It is supposed to be "Eden's" not "Eve's"

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the comments! I just need more information. emot-frown

Actually I wrote three more versus to the poem the same day I posted it here, but I was trying to sleep at the time and kept jumping out of bed to scribble feverishly into my tiny note book.

The first two I stuck in after Candlelight -> guests

I am just the sounding board
to which you cast pointless lines
You set the pedestal up
why shouldn't I make it mine?

And so you kneel before me
pleading to have what you can't
In pursuit of empty dreams
of which I will never grant

and the third is seperated from them by the chorus which I have definetely overused

I'm sure you blame me for this
as so many others do
But your own blind devotion
holds the power over you (which sould maybe be "is my" not "holds the")

followed by the last two verses. I don't know if this is an improvement or not. As for a title, I'd like to use "Junkyard for your soul" if it wasn't so long and already said too many freaking times in the poem itself. (With twelve versus I could split it up with four between each chorus, but it doesn't seem to flow as nicely.)


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#44 | Back to Top08-26-2007 11:52:55 PM

NajiMinkin
Hacker Ringleader
From: The Incredible Edible Egg
Registered: 06-23-2007
Posts: 2537

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

I made a typo while pointing out a possible typo. That kind of amuses me... But no, rereading it, I see it wasn't a typo at all. 'Twas just my own mind playing tricks on me. emot-tongue My apologies!

On the subject of rhyming, I don't find it has to be perfect so long as the sounds properly echo and balance the previous line's. So "busts" and "guests" work just fine.

The additional verses are very nice indeed. I think they help incorporate and offset the chorus in a way the original doesn't. The transition from busts to pedestals and from power to passion feels more natural, if that makes any sense.

My vote on the final line of that verse would be "is my power over you." It sounds better and adds to the manipulative factor. emot-keke


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#45 | Back to Top09-28-2007 10:38:29 PM

BioKraze
Faceless Master
From: Yuma, Arizona (USA)
Registered: 11-26-2006
Posts: 8282

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Thread necromancy! Now, I don't know jack about poetry, either (I fail at Elizabethan sonnets, so normal poetry isn't much better). I'm better at storywriting, but I was bored and decided to come up with a poem that might be worked into a duel song. Here, in its entirety, is the poem I wrote just this very night...

Three Sides to the Weird Soul

Three sides to me, the Three Fates
Maiden, Mother, Crone define me.
I am my Fate, I am my destiny.
My control over the winds of change.

Spinner of the yarn, Clotho...
Weaver of the tapestry, Lachesis...
Executress of the skein, Atropos...
Three souls apart, one body united.

From Void I come, to Paradise I go.
My soul a thread in the tapestry;
Like a spider weaver, I am an artist
Locked in the web of lies and truth.

Pure of soul and soiled of heart,
I go where I will, I do what I shall!
Lies to tell and truth to seek out,
I am the explorer of my destiny!

Where do I go? What is it that I do?
What is meaning within the cosmic play?
Threads, cut cruelly by Fate's scissor
Only to be spun anew by her spindle

This is my reality, my destiny alone.
I am the master of my Fates!
I forge my path, blaze my trail
As the Three Fates watch it from all.


What do you think? Not the best in the world, I know, but my mind takes flights of fancy here and there.

Last edited by BioKraze (11-25-2007 09:00:15 PM)


Roses have thorns to stop those who would dare deny their right to live.
Razara's Postulate: For every lover of lesbians out there, there is an equal and opposite attraction to Dippin' Dots.

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#46 | Back to Top09-28-2007 11:06:37 PM

satyreyes
no, definitely no cons
From: New Orleans, Louisiana
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 10328
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

BioKraze wrote:

What do you think?

I think it sounds a hell of a lot like an Utena duel song.  emot-rofl

Now all we need is someone to score it!

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#47 | Back to Top09-30-2007 10:07:01 PM

Tenjou_sailorsaturn
Someday Shiner
From: Floating Castle
Registered: 10-17-2006
Posts: 2417
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

NajiMinkin wrote:

Tenjou_sailorsaturn wrote:

Oh Come!

How clever! I've tried to do that vertical spelling trick before, but it always sounds forced. I especially like the "come tell" section and I find it interesting that you ended the poem in a question. It adds on to the conversational feel of the whole thing, though I'm not sure if I read it as one person's monologue or a two person conversation.

Thank you NajiMinkin. When I wrote the poem, I visualised it as a dialogue, and that's why there are the quotation marks. I love to do some little tricks to my poems to make them look a bit more interesting.

And here is the poem I've promised you guys long ago:

(the original version)

http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p29/Tenjou_sailorsaturn/Buttons/text%20creation/chinpoem0-1.jpg

(my translation)

http://i124.photobucket.com/albums/p29/Tenjou_sailorsaturn/Buttons/text%20creation/engpoem0.jpg

From the appearance, I think you can understand why I post them as images. emot-keke Hope you like it.

Last edited by Tenjou_sailorsaturn (09-30-2007 10:22:27 PM)


生命是奇蹟,但是為什麼生活是痛苦的?

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#48 | Back to Top11-19-2007 09:48:09 PM

Tenjou_sailorsaturn
Someday Shiner
From: Floating Castle
Registered: 10-17-2006
Posts: 2417
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Oh, but I have never attempted to poison this thread! I shall push this up again with my new poem:

Smile Again, Himemiya

Swords of Hatred
Sharp and piercing blade
Alone, you endure.

Why nobody sees
The truth behind the Prince?
Unfairly judged, painfully punished, you still endure.

The best I'll try
To save you from more sighs
And make you smile again, nothing to endure.


生命是奇蹟,但是為什麼生活是痛苦的?

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#49 | Back to Top11-19-2007 10:04:58 PM

Alexandra
Covert Diarist
From: Dreamworld
Registered: 04-07-2007
Posts: 808

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

I wrote this after talking to an online friend about feeling so .... blah.

Standstill

Pallor awashed the maiden's hopeless face.
Isolated in her cage; futile attempts to erase
A memory, no, a dream - where the flower
Had blossomed from the bud - Now hours
Ticked by, ever so slowly;
How could she ever be this lonely?
Where water never flows when frozen in time,
Withdrawing in fear was the treacherous crime,
And how colors drained from all that had been
Wilting away; crippled - by the touch of sin.
Begging to unravel the bloody ribbons that bind,
Spreading tattered wings, feathers frayed, arms up high !
Blowing a kiss to the stagnant -
Make waves.

-Alexandra

Edit: used the wrong word, lol.

Last edited by Alexandra (11-19-2007 10:06:55 PM)

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#50 | Back to Top11-20-2007 12:01:45 PM

Jellineck
Wondrous Sexual Eggplant.
From: Under your bed
Registered: 08-02-2007
Posts: 894

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Very nice, Alexandra. I particularly like the fact that I have to read it several times to understand, which gives me a chance to really absorb the imagery. This by no means is a bad thing. It does require a deeper reading, faintly obscure but not overly. I especially enjoyed the image of the frayed wings. The ending stanzas seem almost optimistic in contrast with the rather bleak nature of the rest of the poem.

I just wrote a poem a few days ago, based on my readings of Wallace Stevens. I always need inspiration like that - it's a weakness of mine that I can never write poems based on my own emotions. Still, I rather like this one. Haven't thought of a title yet.


I came to the place where the waters stirred,
And in the sea I saw the shadow of my blood
And in the blood I discerned the wraith of myself,
From the husk of that which is and what is established.
Restless, ghostly, obscure but immortal.

I came to the swollen breast of the waves,
To the shore and the edge of the palm of man.
Yemaya seduces in the pale child of the water:
In the white cessation, I seek the final quietus.

When the human sense is formless,
And the thought is wed to the waters,
Ageless is the exquisite pain of being.
Bound in the ocean's turmoil and peace:
Perpetual in death's agreement.


"You said you would do anything for me, right Mamiya?" Mikage purred as he slithered close. "Yes that's right" Mamiya said with a rosey blush. Mikage's smile was evil and cinister as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a banana. "Eeny meeny myny moo. I wonder where my banana will go?" - The Forbidden Passions of Nemuro

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