A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.

"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.

"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.

"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.

He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.

"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.

"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.

The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

I know that many of you have heard Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and others speak of the "Homosexual Agenda," but no one has ever seen a copy of it. Well, I have finally obtained a copy directly from the Head Homosexual. It follows below:

6:00 am Gym
8:00 am Breakfast (oatmeal and egg whites)
9:00 am Hair appointment
10:00 am Shopping
12:00 PM Brunch

2:00 PM
1) Assume complete control of the U.S. Federal, State and Local Governments as well as all other national governments,
2) Recruit all straight youngsters to our debauched lifestyle,
3) Destroy all healthy heterosexual marriages,
4) Replace all school counselors in grades K-12 with agents of Colombian and Jamaican drug cartels,
5) Establish planetary chain of homo breeding gulags where over-medicated imprisoned straight women are turned into artificially impregnated baby factories to produce prepubescent love slaves for our devotedly pederastic gay leadership,
6) bulldoze all houses of worship, and
7) Secure total control of the INTERNET and all mass media for the exclusive use of child pornographers.

2:30 PM Get forty winks of beauty rest to prevent facial wrinkles from stress of world conquest
4:00 PM Cocktails
6:00 PM Light Dinner (soup, salad, with Chardonnay)
8:00 PM Theater
11:00 PM Bed (du jour)

Lewis Black is awesome.

In that vein, I don't know who said this, but I read it somewhere:

Why ban gays from being in the military? Personally, I just think it's that they're afraid of having a thousand guys with M-16's saying "Who're you calling a faggot?"

I was gonna make a new thread for Jokes, but why bother when there's already one.  (however dead it may be... for now...)


Now for some bad puns.
~~~~


What do you call a pachyderm that's off topic?

Irrelephant!

~~~~

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. A stunned patron then asks the waiter, "What was that all about?" The waiter responded, "That's just the way pandas are," and walked away. Well, the patron didn't know what a panda was, so at home that night he looks up "panda" in the dictionary and what he finds explains everything: "Panda: Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."

~~~~

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved away. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

~~~~

The friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

~~~~

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.

~~~~

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during the root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

~~~~

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

~~~~

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

~~~~

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

~~~~

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him what? (Oh, man this is so bad, it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Sick Joke Time

There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with each other and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door.

one of the guys was like "I'm gonna answer the door so don't finish without me right?"

So he went to go answer the door when he came their was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him "I told you not to finish without me."

The other guy says "I didn't.....I FARTED!!"

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen and couldn't wait to get her driver's licence.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her licence.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

   1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
   2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
   3. Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
   4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
   5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
   6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
   7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
   8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
   9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
  12. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
  15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
  16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  21. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
  22. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

I am glad I am not the only non speller.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

    The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious!  I could never shoot my wife!"   "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

    So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.  "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

    "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

    The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Well I hope that they hired her.

Last edited by SexingTouga24/7/365 (06-27-2008 03:10:33 AM)

So my cousin was telling my uncle's friend some knock-knock jokes he had made up. She got really excited and told him these two jokes she and her sister used to laugh about when they were little. I thought they were excellent. Here:

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Monkfish.

Monkfish who?

Monkfish monkfish.

...

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Monkfish.

Monkfish who?

Monkfish got his tail stuck in the door.

~fin~

Don't you miss being a kid?

Animals with Four Legs

Teacher: "Wendy, name an animal with four legs."
Wendy: "Two chickens."

Correct Answer

Teacher: "George, what is the most often used phrase by students today?"
George: "I do not know."
Teacher: "Correct!"

What's the Difference

Teacher: "What's the difference between a creditor and a debtor?"
Student: "A creditor has a better memory than a debtor does."

Historical Event

Teacher: "What important event happened in 1809?"
John: "Abraham Lincoln was born."
Teacher: "Very good. Then what happened in 1812?"
John: "Abraham Lincoln turned three years old."

Why do female skydivers wear jock-straps?

So they don't whistle on the way down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were once three gay men, each of them incredibly sad becuase each of their lovers had recently died.  Each of their late boyfriends had wanted to be cremated, so the three men decided they would go on and trip and spread their ashes together.

On the first night of the trip, the three gay men sat around a large campfire in the woods, a large pot of homemade chili bubbling in a pot over it.  They began to reminisce on their dead lovers, and the first gay man asked:

"So, where are you guys going to spread your boyfriend's ashes?  Fred always loved to hike, so I'm going to throw his ashes into the wind and let them fall across the beautiful mountain tops north of here."

"That's lovely," The second gay man replied, "Colin was a surfer and I met for him the first time on a beach, so I decided to throw his ashes over the ocean."

The two gay men looked at the third gay man, patiently waiting for him to finish his current spoonful of chili and answer the question.

"Oh, well," He said, looking wistful, "I put Jonathan's ashes in the chili, so he could tear my ass up one last time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a hot summer day a little boy walked along the sidewalk, in one hand a newspaper clipping and in the other a string and on the other end of it, dragging along rather depressingly on the ground, a dried up, flattened and obviously dead frog.


The boy kept on walking until he came upon a rather old and disreputable-looking house, where he stopped and after taking a look at his newspaper clipping, went inside, dead frog in tow.

An older lady was sitting in a large and dusty chair when he entered and she looked at him curiously.  He held his newspaper clipping up to her, a picture of her house in black and grey covering up half of it.

"Ma'am," he said, "This article says that your whore-house is in trouble, because some the girls in it have AIDS."

"Well, it is true, some of them do, between you and me.  But, we do have more than a few who are perfectly clean, would you be interested in spending some time with one or more of them?"

"Oh no, no no no," The boy said, shaking his head.  "I specifically want to sleep with one of the girls who has AIDS."

She looked suspicious, but the boy offered her twice the sum she usually recieved, and she gave in. "Up the stairs, second door to the left."

He nodded and went up the staircase, his dead frog flopping lifelessly up the steps.  He came back down some time later, looking a tad tired but utterly satisfied.  He was about to leave, his newspaper clipping gone but his leashed dead frog still in one hand.

"Wait!" The old woman said, stopping him at the door as her curiosity got the better of her.  "I have to ask, why on earth did you want to have sex with a girl whom you know is infected with AIDS?"

The boy looked as though it was obvious.  "Well, it's really quite simple.  Now that I have had sex with that whore, I have AIDS.  Now I am going to go home and have sex with my teenage babysitter, and then she will have AIDS.  Then, when my dad comes home from work and takes her back to her house, he is going to have sex with her, so then, you see, my dad will have AIDS.  When my dad comes back, he'll have sex with my mom, and then my mom will have AIDS as well.  Then, in the morning, when the mailman comes to deliver our mail, my mom with have sex with him, and then he will have AIDS.  See, it makes perfect sense."

"But..." the woman said, not understanding, "What on earth is the purpose of that?"

"The mailman ran over my frog."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A local woman, living in Belfast and seven months pregnant with triplets, accidentally got caught in the crossfire of a shootout. To her utter astonishment, she only received three gunshot wounds, all in her belly. Worried, she consulted her obstetrician, who ran a few tests and determined that each fetus had taken a bullet. He assured the anxious mother-to-be that the children would not be harmed by the bullets. Two months later, the woman's fears were laid to rest as she gave birth to two girls and a boy, all in very fine health.

Thirteen years later, the accident was a faint memory in the woman's mind. While reading the newspaper, she heard the sound of metal on porcelain and a shrill female cry. Rushing to the bathroom, one of her two daughters was obviously distraught. When the mother asked what happened, the girl said, "I was having a pee and a bullet came out!" The mother explained the story to her daughter, which calmed her down.

Two days later, the same thing happened, only it was with her other daughter. She, too, was distraught over the incident, but was consoled by her mother's explanation of the incident.

Three days passed. The mother was reading a book when she heard the sound of an explosion, following by her son's screaming. She rushed to the bathroom, ready to explain the scenario. She asked, "What's wrong, honey?"

The son cried and said, "Oh, mum! I was having a wank and I shot the cat!"

Don't know if it's been mentioned here or not, and I can't take credit for it (I read it in a signature somewhere), but I like it:



There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

When someone got sent to hell they feared the absolute worst. Then they had a demon show them around and realized it wasn't so bad. It had the basics of a okay hotel and had a pool, ping pong, cheap casino and cable TV.

"Hey it isn't so bad. But what's that over there?" They asked their demon guide. They pointed towards a huge inferno swirling and the normal ideal of hell in a circle.
The demon replied, "Oh, that's for the Catholics, they insisted on it."
(fellow IRGer told me. They allowed me to use it. )

Next,
An agent was working on some paperwork, when his son came in to ask his father for some money for a bag of chips.
"Dad, can I have $1 for some chips?"
and he replied," What do you want 90 cents for?"

Last edited by Setsuna (09-14-2009 07:27:39 AM)