Aren't you lucky?  You get my reactions-as-I-read.  This gon be fun.

guardian_rose wrote:

Ok first some disclaimers.

1. this post is about me. its about my love life, and the women i love. this is an attempt at self therapy where group input is welcome.

Count me in!

guardian_rose wrote:

2.  i am not out to hurt nor ruin anyone's life.

3. i feel that i am wounded and can trust the people on this forum.

That assumption would be correct.

guardian_rose wrote:

4. i welcome any and all responses and similar stories from other members, if they so wish to post.

:3

guardian_rose wrote:

5. this post will be long. be patient, you may find it insightful non-the less.

some initial background on myself:

I am an adult male, aged 22. I was born on the 31st of March. I am an aries. I am married to one of the two women i will discuss here. we have a daughter together who will turn 3 on sunday. for those of you that are REALLY curious, i do find some men attractive, but i am twice as choosy on my taste in men as i am in women, but that has more to do with my childhood, and will not really discuss that in this thread.

It makes sense that you're more choosy in men.  Most straight guys who find some small attraction to men happen to only like a certain kind of men.  It's the gay guys who like a wider variety.  I'm bi, by the way.

guardian_rose wrote:

My name is Michael. I am the Juri, and I am the Shiori.

And I am the walrus, goo goo ga joob!

guardian_rose wrote:

This title has multiple meanings for me in this situation. First off, the situation that hurts me to this very day has its roots around the same time i was introduced to SKU. It was at the same time that the tenchi muyo triliogy was airing 6 days a week on cartoon network's toonami (this is important for later). The person who introduced me to sku is my eldest sister. she is one of my best friends and confidants. she was also my example of what a prince is to me. she established within me a sense of honor and inner strength. and now that i think on it... i may do another of these posts at a later date.

I love Tenchi Muyo.

Your sister sounds like a very wonderful person.  I wish I had a sister.  Or a brother.  Any sibling at all.

guardian_rose wrote:

I knew one of the women since middle school when she moved to my little corner of washington state in 1998. this story takes place a little later. to this day, i swear that i fell in true love with her the moment i had seen her. this has been cemented by our countless conversations and the quality time we have spent together. she is the one i married. i will refer to her as laura. laura is a nice name, but changed because i have no right revealing her identity . Laura and i dated early in high school. during the first part of 9th grade. if anyone were to tell me that they were in real love with someone at that age, id brush it off as hormones, but in my case i find that it was true. well, laura and i did break up, but i never stopped loving her the way i do to this day.

That is sooo sweet!

I agree about the highschool lovey thing.  It's a hard time, though, and it's so hard to tell what's true love or just plain hornyness. 

I know I'm in love though... true love... we've been together for 2 years. 

guardian_rose wrote:

our junior year, a new freshman came in. i met her through the JROTC program, which i mentioned i was a part of in another thread. her name is jennifer. jennifer and i became great friends. we started hanging out together, going to school dances, just having fun. nothing serious, since i was not looking for any relationships at the time.
at the same time laura was in a pretty commited relationship, and she was a close friend too. in no time at all, the three if us were great pals. life was good, and every thing was going great for me in school.

JROTC??? What's that?

I think I can see where this is going...

guardian_rose wrote:

now, i do not consider myself to be very attractive. if you were to see a picture of me, you would probably think that i am older than i claim to be. this is due to the scars that cover my body. when i went into puberty and acne struck, i learned that i have a severe case of cystic acne. mine was one of the worst on record according to my dermatologist. he wanted me to take an oral medicine, but at the time the ones they were proscribing had a high amount of side effects. i now take an oral medication, and it does take its toll on me. i was also the person the got bullied alot, so i was very inversive. laura and jennifer changed alot of that. it also helped that i have always felt more comfortable around women then men.

Aww! *hugs*

But you do know that chicks dig scars, ne?

Or at least some of them do...

guardian_rose wrote:

my happiness was short lived, however. things became interesting in the early summer. both laura and jennifer started to get closer. touching me, kissing me. holding hands with me. to me, they appeared to start being more agressive to each other as well, but not as much if i were around.

*winces* ooh, I went through something like that once too...

guardian_rose wrote:

at first, this kind of treatment was nice. i really liked it, especially since i felt no one could really love me. in some ways, i still feel that way. i felt like it was like getting the best part of the tenchi muyo experience with out the side effects. only later would i get the feeling that it was unfair that laura was veiying for my attention when jennifer was as well.

... ;_; ...

guardian_rose wrote:

during most of senior year, jennifer and laura were both openlly attempting to get into a relationship with me. i got into soooo much trouble in jrotc that year for constantly making out with one of the two of them. laura was always there when there was something that i needed or wanted, jennifer showered expensive gifts on me. i loved both of them so very much, but i felt bad too. taking their money and accepting their gifts was wrong to me, but because of where i lived at the time, i couldnt get a job. no one would hire me. it was laura that eventually helped me get my first job. she did alot for me.

I went through something so similar to this...

guardian_rose wrote:

i felt torn. torn between two perfect matches. the feel of being with both of them was too perfect. a choice like that should never have had to have been made by a high schooler. hell, by anyone! its like waking up one day and realizing that you dont have one soul mate. you have two! its a feeling that is hard to explain, but the closest i can think of is it feels like i have been cut into thirds, and then had to choose which part of myself i would have to torch. knowing never again i would be complete.

I know how you feel!  Gah!  I'm going through something like that as well.  I'm torn between two people who I truely love and who do a lot for me.  I guess that the biggest difference is that they're both okay with it (one of them is kinda a ghost...).  But I still know how that torn feeling is.

I'll have to finish this post later... I have to leave class now...

EDIT: Back and ready for action!

guardian_rose wrote:

i ultimatly chose laura. i chose her not because she was the most beautiful, or the kindest, or even the smartest. i chose her because i felt i owed her. owed her more than jennifer. this one choice haunts me today. five years later. its something i have attempted to forget, to move on. dwelling on the past only leads to pain in the future.

Keep this in mind: don't try and forget the past, what you have to do it accept the past.  Forgetting the past is impossible, because if you try to do that then you'll only become more obsessed with it.

guardian_rose wrote:

well, shortly after making the choice, the three of us stopped hanging out. it was gradual, but i knew it had to happen. the tear started small back then. a slight twinge. but then we graduated. laura was accepted into UAF here in alaska, so she asked me to go with her. i said yes. at the time jennifer kept in contact with me via email, but she eventually moved on. got another boyfriend, and she was good. that was when i realized something was not quite right with me. laura and i were fine. very much in love. i even proposed to her that christmas. she broke off the engagement until early may that year when i went off and joined the alaska air national guard.

life went on, still i thought back to jennifer time and again. my soul still tearing.

just last summer, my most loyal friend from my rotc days had contacted me. he and i had been cooresponding via myspace. he had out of nowhere, told me that jennifer(who was his ex girlfriend. appearently they got together once laura and i moved) wanted to start communicating with me again via email. by this time the tear was very appearant. jennifer was invading my dreams, resurfacing memories were haunting me, and of course i was torturing myself with the question of 'did i make the right choice?' to this very moment as i type this, with all of my little victories in life, my triumphs and the pleasures and joys life has brought me, with my family and our success... i still answer, i don't know.

Listen, you just have to tell yourself that you can't make that desicion ever again, and what you have to do is think about how happy you are now, not how happy you could be.

guardian_rose wrote:

jennifer had, since we last talked 4 or 5 years before, joined the air force. she made it about as far as i did and realized that it wasnt for her. she helped me realize this in those early communications. she told me that she was engaged to be married to a person who is serving in italy. we talked about old times alot. that really hurt in so many ways. she had told me about her true feelings, that she loved me more than i realized. i told her that she was important to me too.

we lost contact again until she made it back home where we grew up. we reestablished dialouge and she asked me what i thought of her in high school. i described all the ways in which i lioved her, i told her of her best qualities, and how wonderful she was and is today. she then asked me the hardest question i have ever had to answer. she asked me why i chose laura over her.

i told her all the reasons about how difficult it was to choose, about how i love both of them as they could never know, of how much they meant to me. but i always avoided the main reason. debt. i felt like i owed laura. to this day laura does not know that was the main reason. its not the best reason to date someone, but i feel like i stayed with her for all the right reasons.

jennifer explained to me that to her the old days were gone, and that it hurt her to look back. she explained to me that now she covers her true self with sarcasim and cruelty. she had told me that she had been that way since the three of us had grown apart. she told me that she blames me for the way she is now towards relationships. to be honest, that part hurts the most. salt in the tear so to speak.

Okay, that is not fair at all!

That girl is NOT for you!  If she blames you for her being miserable and so on, you know that she's not actually in love with you.  She just wants to use you, from what I can tell. 

I know it may be hard to accept this, but you HAVE TO!

guardian_rose wrote:

ironically, laura found jennifer on myspace around the same time, and had started talking to her. laura had told me that she still finds jennifer to be very attractive and wouldnt mind if she came to be our mutual girl friend.

Okay, that is strange.

I wouldn't let that happen if she's going to keep on switching personalities depending on who shes talking with.

guardian_rose wrote:

if only it would have been that easy in high school.

after much thought on what jennifer had to say, i realized that my choice had a larger reprocussion than i ever thought it would have had in high school. part of me believed that if things ever fell apart with laura and i that i could run home and pick up things where jennifer and i left off. that was wishful thinking.

so i feel with pain, regret of a relationship that can never be. akin in some ways to juri. my pain. my suffering. jennifer is in my locket. i am the juri.

Yes, definetly.

guardian_rose wrote:

i feel the pain i caused, even though i do not enjoy it, as i interpret shiori to have, yet too am i the shiori.

No.  Thinking about it, you are not the Shiori.  Jennifer is the Shiori.  You did not intentionally hurt her, nor did you ever mean to do what you did.  Jennifer has hurt herself more than you have, and for believing it is your fault fundamentally, you are the Juri through and through.

guardian_rose wrote:

my pain, my suffering. the pain i caused, the suffering of others that is to become of it.

this is life, but i want the hurt to go away. why do i find it so hard to leave lost love behind?

I'd forget about Jennifer.  You just have to tell her that things can never be the way they once were and that you have a wife and daughter to take care of.  Accept your desicions and be happy with what you have.

I hope I've helped...

Last edited by hyacinth_black (03-23-2007 07:47:16 AM)