In the Rose Garden / What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

zevrem · Back to Top

One of my big ones:

"Distrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful" - Friedrich Nietzsche

This one captures a lot of people from widely disparate socio-economic groups, everyone from bitter SJWs to angry conservatives to gang members to teenagers who bully gay people to fascists. It gives insight into one of the core qualities of every kind of fanaticism, as well as a usable guideline for intelligently implementing liberalism.

Last edited by zevrem (01-01-2015 08:59:10 PM)

Yasha · Back to Top

Not so much red flags, because I wouldn't consider ending an acquaintance on some of these grounds, but these would make me careful what I said.

Willingness to confide personal issues on short acquaintance and with no reason. I've noticed that if someone's telling me how their dad molested them within a day or two of being introduced, it's usually an entry-level manipulative tactic and they probably want something from me.

Anger that's disproportionate to events.

Prejudice against anyone for superficial reasons like skin color or sexuality. <----HUGE red flag, that's one that makes me not want to be around someone, including long-standing friendships.

Excessive bitterness. As in, if they have nothing nice to say, ever, then they may very well have reasons... but part of being an adult is dealing with that, and spewing venom on everyone around them isn't dealing.

Clinginess and/or whininess. They seem to go hand in hand.

Lack of ability to see nuance and context in human behavior, for example deciding that people are either "good people" or "bad people" without even attempting to understand said people.

I could probably go on, but those are the ones that come to mind.

zevrem · Back to Top

It sounds like our ideas have a lot of overlap. Or maybe your "flags" are merely the outward manifestation of the basic quality mentioned in my OP?

Yasha · Back to Top

There's definitely a correlation there, but I'm trying to account for the fact that not all people who fall under my flags also fall under yours. You can be judgmental or manipulative or whiny or anything else except prejudiced without punishing people, although it's not common, and there's a chance I might not have a problem with those things if that was the case. They'd just make me careful. Prejudice, on the other hand, is in and of itself harmful.

Giovanna · Back to Top

Prudishness. It's not necessarily a red flag indicating someone that's bad or to be avoided, but it's a good indicator that I won't enjoy their company. My sense of humor is grim, ridiculous, disgusting, and perverse, so they don't usually like me either. emot-biggrin

Leirr ✰ · Back to Top

Giovanna wrote:
My sense of humor is grim, ridiculous, disgusting, and perverse, so they don't usually like me either.

No offense intended, but if I'd hear people saying that about theirself in real life, this would be a code red to me. I guess it's a different thing to post something in the internet though.

I think my autism is too trong to list all of my no-gos l0l

Giovanna · Back to Top

None taken! My sense of humor is very take or leave with people; I'd say the same thing in person, and I have definitely been the recipient of plenty of red flags. emot-redface

Arale · Back to Top

people who refer to problems as 'drama', people who make fun of/insult the idea of feeling uncomfortable or offended

these kinds of people are unable to see the different values that others hold, and will usually use this to act superior which ends up hurting the people who are already feeling hurt... it is very unfortunate

there are a lot more because i am rather quick to not like people sometimes but this is the first concrete thing i could think of

Giovanna · Back to Top

Arale wrote:
people who refer to problems as 'drama', people who make fun of/insult the idea of feeling uncomfortable or offended

A bunch of the nurses I work with yesterday went bonkers on the Myers-Briggs and we started discussing traits like this, and concepts like drama. The consensus appears to be that working in an ICU environment turns you into a person who thinks exactly this way by way of total insensitivity and annoyance response to the difficulties and sensitivities of others.

I'm not saying you're wrong, at all! This is an opinion thread after all, and I agree that those kinds of people, myself included, probably should raise red flags. However, keep in mind that a disliking of 'drama' and a general insensitivity to peoples' comfort level can be taught, by life trauma, for example, or by working an environment that fosters it. People who present that way aren't necessarily jerks, it's as likely a defense mechanism!

Snow · Back to Top

I've heard that people in healthcare and veterinarians just have to be a bit colder than other people in regards to the feelings of others, otherwise the things they see and experience would drive them insane. Makes sense since those jobs are callings after all, and not for everybody.

I have several red flags when dealing with people I've just met. People who act too familiar and close to you as soon as they meet you kind of give me the creeps. I don't stop associating with them just because of that, but I can appear cold and distance myself a bit, at least until I get to know them better. I get the feeling they're hiding something or are just being overly friendly because they need something, of for appearances.

Also, people who can't shut up about their lifestyle or choices (healthy lifestyle, religion, veganism, vegetarianism, atheism, politics...just a few from my experience), and how they're better than everybody else's. They usually don't openly state that, but when the feeling of superiority is oozing out if them it's a huge red flag for me, even if my opinions are the same as theirs and I agree with them. I don't want to risk becoming like them from exposure.

I sometimes get a bad feeling about people that I can't rationally explain, but I don't think I can trust my gut to be rational anyway.

OnlyInThisLight · Back to Top

You certainly have to be able to detach, or at least compartmentalize your feelings when working in a field that constantly exposes you to the pain and suffering of others. But, honestly, a part of that gruffness to others outside that sphere is that, hey, we've seen people survive some pretty intense shit, and so it normalizes and diminishes the severity of problems we perceive others are facing.

You also get pretty solution-oriented. Listening and empathizing alone feels odd and uncomfortable (nurses, childcare workers, we wish we had the time to just talk and listen to all our patients and clients extensively one-on-one like people who know one another do, but it just is not possible with the demands of the work). When solving problems and actively engaging with and helping people work out their issues is your actual occupation, there's a part of you that is like. "Okay. Here problem. Here are solutions and advice for fixing problem. Are we going to do them? No? Wait, what? Why? Do them. Do them now. Why are you still talking about this? Try possible solution then come back to me."

Last edited by OnlyInThisLight (01-04-2015 05:33:14 PM)

yusaku · Back to Top

Giovanna wrote:
Prudishness. It's not necessarily a red flag indicating someone that's bad or to be avoided, but it's a good indicator that I won't enjoy their company. My sense of humor is grim, ridiculous, disgusting, and perverse, so they don't usually like me either.

I do come off kind of prudish, but I work in customer service and the cameras are always running. People love to sue in America. We may be capitalists but people love easy money more than anything. We have a state lottery and four casinos that are not even close to going out of business. Suing corporations is another easy money scam, so I keep it as prudish as possible.

So I usually let people start conversations and I just see where it goes. I have an appreciation for the perverse, ridiculous, grim, and disgusting. I just do not say it first. I have the movies "Storytelling", "Welcome to the Dollhouse", "Happiness", and several episodes of Southpark.

By the way, people who are always angry or say continually say racist remarks. I refuse to befriend. People who like easy money or are strongly addicted to drugs I also stay away from. I could go on but those are few of my pet peeves. I will save the really major ones for later.

crystalwren · Back to Top

Creepy soft voice people.

They talk in a very soft, childish voice, that makes them seem much younger than they are, and highly vulnerable to bad people. They'll confide too much, too fast, and it's always about how hard they've been done by, and how much they need to be taken care of. It's an attempt to manipulate you into feeling sorry for them and protective over them. These types of people are invariably pathological liars and often exhibit all the signs of borderline personality disorder. We all feel vulnerable at some point, and wish that someone would just take care of us, but these people are always looking for their ideal saviour and protector. The term 'topping from the bottom' applies here. Allegedly the balance of power in the relationship belongs to the one who seems to be making the decisions, but the one that looks submissive is the one working very hard to isolate the decision maker from every possible tie they have, and in general fuck their head up. The creepy soft voice person invariably drives their target to a breakdown and once this target is thoroughly broken, the creepy soft voice person leaves them and moves on to the next target. Rinse and repeat. (Do I sound bitter and knowledgeable about the creepy soft voice people? Absolutely.)

Another thing is a deviant’s preoccupation with sex. It'll come up in the conversation very quickly and will just as quickly become the dominant subject. At some point, friends will discuss will discuss these things and then move on to other subjects. With the deviant, however, the discussion is all about sex, always, all the damn time. Never stops.

The throat jumper. This type will take offence at anything, and will always jump down your throat at the earliest opportunity. They will take offence at the tone of your voice. They will take offence at the way you go about having relationships with other people. God help you if you try to make a joke, even the weakest possible pun will cause the throat jumper to go up in flames. The throat jumper is invariably a Social Justice Crusader. They will always know all about minority groups and how you’re a rotten horrible person who discriminates against those helpless minorities. You’re a horrible racist/homophobe/religious bigot if you think X. You’re still a horrible racist/homophobe/religious bigot if you don’t think X. Denying all knowledge of X at all is a sign that you’re one of those disgusting privileged people who never think about all those others who suffer so much. If you, in fact, have friends who’re minorities, or even are passionate of minority rights to the point you often march and campaign against the prejudiced majority, then you’re even worse, because you’re a horrible person who is just overcompensating. The throat jumper often passes themselves off as the ultimate pinnacle of justice and open mindedness, and they invariably attach themselves to a minority person who is marginalised and bitter and just as big a bully and genuinely awful a person as the throat jumper, to form an unholy union that rips anyone, who is unfortunate to gain their attention in their alleged crusade for the betterment of society, to pieces. And while they’re at it, destroy the reputation of the person they’ve just reduced to bloody shreds as well. The throat jumpers sometimes pair themselves or even cross traits with the creepy soft voice people to form the ultimate predator. God help us all.

Sometimes a gentle social justice crusader takes it way too far, even if they stop shy of becoming a throat jumper. They’re the ones who always know more than you about anything. Even if you’re part of a minority group to begin with, they will always make you know, very subtly, that you’ve no idea of what you’re talking about, not really, and you’re just not as knowledgeable as they are. These crusaders invariably make it their mission in life to gently educate you and open up your mind. If, as what happened to me recently, you are part of a minority group and you find some aspects of the minority group genuinely disturbing and unhealthy, the gentle social justice crusader will try and help you understand how you’ve just internalised a majority opinion and you need to open your mind more and be more accepting of your fellow community members. Pointing out that the same disturbing and unhealthy aspects that upset you would be, and are, soundly condemned when they show up in the majority population will not help you. No matter what you do or say, the social justice crusader will always, always, be there to help you understand and accept other minorities, even if you’re a member of that minority group to begin with and you know damn well what the fuck you’re talking about. The gentle social justice crusader is, in their own way, just as big a predator as a deviant, or a creepy soft voice person, or a throat jumper. Or even worse, when you think about it.

More to come later.

Last edited by crystalwren (01-08-2015 10:13:46 PM)

zevrem · Back to Top

They talk in a very soft, childish voice, that makes them seem much younger than they are, and highly vulnerable to bad people. They'll confide too much, too fast, and it's always about how hard they've been done by, and how much they need to be taken care of. It's an attempt to manipulate you into feeling sorry for them and protective over them. These types of people are invariably pathological liars and often exhibit all the signs of borderline personality disorder. We all feel vulnerable at some point, and wish that someone would just take care of us, but these people are always looking for their ideal saviour and protector. The term 'topping from the bottom' applies here. Allegedly the balance of power in the relationship belongs to the one who seems to be making the decisions, but the one that looks submissive is the one working very hard to isolate the decision maker from every possible tie they have, and in general fuck their head up. The creepy soft voice person invariably drives their target to a breakdown and once this target is thoroughly broken, the creepy soft voice person leaves them and moves on to the next target. Rinse and repeat. (Do I sound bitter and knowledgeable about the creepy soft voice people? Absolutely.)

ANTHYYYYYYYY

UTENA-SAMA

Last edited by zevrem (01-09-2015 06:57:28 PM)

Riri-kins · Back to Top

I've observed women who say they don't have female friends because women cause too much drama are drama queens themselves. Clinginess is a huge red flag to me too.

Yasha · Back to Top

Those girls remind me of this comic... god, how embarrassing. I used to be this girl like, years and years ago. I'm glad I don't feel that way anymore.

I would say this is a red flag for me, but it's more of an orange flag. "Proceed with Caution, Immaturity Ahead."

Giovanna · Back to Top

That's embarrassing because it implies guys don't talk constantly about the same damn things. emot-mad
You could exchange the genders in that comic and it would still be as funny and as applicable.

Nocturnalux · Back to Top

Since I find it too difficult to actually develop a relationship that goes past very superficial interaction, I hardly have this issue but every now then I am reminded anew that some people out there are simply batshit in a bad, bad way.

Yasha wrote:
Willingness to confide personal issues on short acquaintance and with no reason. I've noticed that if someone's telling me how their dad molested them within a day or two of being introduced, it's usually an entry-level manipulative tactic and they probably want something from me.

This. Case in point, a while back I helped out a neighbhor across the hall since he had misplaced his keys and could not even enter his own apartment. After staying over even after the police unlocked his place he eventually left only to wake me up at 6 AM the following morning with a literal sob story. He decided to weep convulsively on my doorstep while telling me how the doctor had just informed him that he was suffering from terminal cancer and only had 3 months to live. As strange as it may be, he claimed that after knowing me for the span of a couple of *hours* he felt that I was just right the person to comfort him. Eh. When I refused to join him in his apartment he proceeded to hint that he would kill himself if I did not keep him company!
Sadly for him, I was quite sure he was making it all up anyway and right I was. But still, it made me feel bad for standing my ground as there was a chance that he was indeed going through a very difficult time.

Syora · Back to Top

crystalwren wrote:
Creepy soft voice people.

You know what, until you said this, I did not realize that people talking slowly or quietly bothered me. But it totally does! Granted, some of the people I know who speak softly do so because English is not their first language and it makes them incredibly shy.

The throat jumpers sometimes pair themselves or even cross traits with the creepy soft voice people to form the ultimate predator. God help us all.

emot-rofl

The first red flag that comes to mind are people who are overly sexual at me upon first meeting them. I don't wanna talk about how you think I should have sex with your sister within 15 minutes of meeting you. This happened to me two days ago and while it was online, just. No.

Another red flag is when people interrupt you constantly. It's rude and inconsiderate, and if you aren't going to take the time to listen to me, then you're not worth giving that time to in the first place.

And you know, all the usual things like bigotry, cruelty, excessive selfishness, etc.

Arale · Back to Top

Sadly for him, I was quite sure he was making it all up anyway and right I was.

The prospect of people doing this really terrifies me for some reason. I don't know why, but I am very, very bothered by people making other people worry unnecessarily, regardless of motivation. It just makes me feel super sad.

rhyaniwyn · Back to Top

A lot of these mentioned are red flags for me, too. But I"m surprised I haven't seen:

Not accepting a polite "no"

Scenario 1

Person: Come to _place_?
Me: No, thank you. I need to _something_ at home.
Person: You can do that later!
Me: That fact is exactly why it's gotten urgent, I've been saying that for weeks.
Person: Haha, seriously, though!! Come!
Me: I really would, but as I said...
Person: This is what you need to do. Come to _place_ now and then when you need to _something_, do _something_ in this way, then it won't take as long.
Me: I really appreciate your advice, but I maintain that I cannot.
Person: Whyyyyyy?
Me: Just can't.
Person: Coooome oooon!
Me: No.
Person: Hey, Other Person! Rhy won't come to _place_! She says she has to _something_, come tell her she's stupid.
Other Person: Aw, c'mon, you can do _something_ anytime!
Me: *getting genuinely pissed off instead of mildly annoyed*

Scenario 2

Person: Hey, I'm Person! What's your name?
Me: Rhy
Person: Nice to meet you, Rhy! Dance with me!
Me: Okay, but I don't like dancing with other people, so only one dance. And, just to be clear up front, I am here to enjoy myself in a public place, not to pick anyone up. I will be going home alone, so if you are looking to get laid, look elsewhere.
Person: Hahahahaha! Geez! I wasn't thinking that! Arrogant, much?
Me: I don't know what you are or are not thinking, and the same is true for you. That is why I am saying it out loud.
Person: Okay, god, I'm just trying to offer you a good time! Let's dance.
Me: As long as you understand what I said, okay.
One dance later
Me: Thank you. See you later.
Person: What?! We're having fun, let's dance more!!!
Me: *sigh* if you don't give me space and try to grind me the whole night I'm walking away
At the bar later
Person: Do you live around here?
Me: Somewhat.
Person: Let me walk you home!
Me: No, thank you. I don't know you.
Person: But it's so late, it's dangerous for a girl in this part of town so late!
Me: That may be true, but what is dangerous are other people. As you are another person...
Person: Do you really think I'm going to hurt you?!
Me: No, not particularly.
Person: Then let me walk you home!!
Me: We've had some decent conversations tonight AN: not transcribed and I am tentatively willing to see you again at some later date, but I want to go home and go to sleep. I will not have sex with you.
Person: Oh! Well, I'm not trying to get in your pants tonight. I mean, maybe next time?
Me: It's not impossible.
Person: Okay, let me walk you home.
Me: You may walk me part of the way home, but you will not be invited in.
Person: No, no, I totally understand and respect that.
Later, near where I live
Me: Okay, good night.
Person: Wait...you don't want me to know where you live?!
Me: No.
Person: But...
Me: But?
Person: I thought we could hang out a little longer, you know...maybe.
Me: I am ready to go home.
Person: Yeah, but I could come in for a few minutes.
Me: I'm sorry, I thought we discussed this.
Person: Well, yeah, but then you let me walk you home.
Me: *no longer willing to see you again at some later date*

Pushy people who don't understand boundaries are red flags for me. They do not listen to you. They do not take you at your word. They think everything is negotiable, even hard limits. They believe that clearly expressed sentiments are manipulative tactics or intended as hints at something unsaid. A polite no isn't a "no", it's a "maybe, but I don't want to seem too eager".

If someone thinks that about me, they clearly don't see me at all.

And they don't really care what I want or don't want. They think they can push me into wanting what they want.

Last edited by rhyaniwyn (02-08-2015 05:11:51 PM)

zevrem · Back to Top

A red flag for me is if someone has a large group (a nation, race, religion, etc.) that they talk about a lot but NEVER criticize. They'll almost inevitably have some kind of ill-conceived, one-sided political agenda and an inability to think critically. Loyalty's okay in moderation, but when it's taken to a stupid extreme, it's socially toxic.

Last edited by zevrem (02-16-2015 03:26:24 AM)

#1 | Back to Top01-01-2015 08:34:02 PM

What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

#2 | Back to Top01-02-2015 04:59:41 AM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

#3 | Back to Top01-02-2015 06:04:22 AM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

#4 | Back to Top01-02-2015 06:31:36 AM

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#6 | Back to Top01-03-2015 11:44:28 AM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

Giovanna wrote:

#7 | Back to Top01-03-2015 03:18:39 PM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

#8 | Back to Top01-03-2015 11:24:14 PM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

#9 | Back to Top01-04-2015 09:00:15 AM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

Arale wrote:

#10 | Back to Top01-04-2015 12:51:56 PM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

#11 | Back to Top01-04-2015 05:31:29 PM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

#12 | Back to Top01-04-2015 08:33:41 PM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

Giovanna wrote:

#13 | Back to Top01-08-2015 10:12:23 PM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

#14 | Back to Top01-09-2015 09:01:37 AM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

#15 | Back to Top02-02-2015 02:54:15 PM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

#16 | Back to Top02-02-2015 10:11:48 PM

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#17 | Back to Top02-05-2015 01:12:08 AM

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#18 | Back to Top02-05-2015 12:53:02 PM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

Yasha wrote:

#19 | Back to Top02-05-2015 01:46:02 PM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

crystalwren wrote:

#20 | Back to Top02-05-2015 05:59:31 PM

Re: What are "red flags" that warn you away from people?

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