Granted. You spend it watching Ikuhara pore through a stockpile of Sailor Moon yuri doujinshi.

I wish we had replicators.

Granted, but you typed "glich text" into Bing. Now who knows what might happen.

I wish I had a violin!

Granted, but now they play with the thermostat.

I wish I could go to a masked ball.

Granted! Now you have a stronger stress tolerance! But it comes at you in a huge blow when it comes and you still don't know the limit. It will keep changing too, by the way.

I wish there was an reliable bus service to where I need to go in my hometown.

Granted.



I wish baseball were two-thirds as popular as football in the United States.

Granted! Now it's not in mint condition, but I'm sure with a little work, it'll be good as new. The muffler's over there, the steering wheel is over there... Oh! I think one of the doors is in that tree! And, oh, is that an oil seal I spy...
ALTERNATIVELY:
Granted! I'm sure the old owner will be HAPPY to give you some pointers for it's care...


I wish I could get a job as a voice actor!

Granted. You have compound eyes with twelve color receptors like a mantis shrimp but now you have to live underwater for the rest of your life...in a boring old aquarium.

I wish to make and profit from the next viral cute cat video.

Granted. You can fly but you choose not to. You are as perplexed by this decision as everyone else around you.

I wish to know the secrets of the universe.

Wish granted!  Okay, so let's leave aside whether this would actually be as fun as it sounds.  Walking around catching Pepsi in your mouth could be fun, if you're into Pepsi, but unless you're doing it in the nude, you will have some very stubborn laundry afterwards.  That's to say nothing of what will happen to your car -- even if the engine or other moving parts don't get gummed up beyond repair, your paint job will never look the same again.  But I have a garage!  Okay, but how are you going to drive on roads that are sticky with congealed Pepsi syrup?  That would be hard enough even if you weren't driving through the clouds of animals and insects that are converging on the exposed syrup like... well, like flies to honey.  And can you imagine the smell?

But forget that.  Pepsi has a pH of 2.4, putting its acidity about halfway between Sprite and battery acid; this is about one hundred times more concentrated than typical acid rain.  During a 1-inch rainstorm, a square mile of land receives 17.38 million gallons of water -- or, in this case, about 33 million party-sized two-liter bottles of Pepsi.  Lakes have a lot of water in them, but it doesn't take too many storms of millions of gallons of Pepsi to move the needle on the lake's pH noticeably to the acidic side.  Life in a lake tends to require a pretty consistent pH, and over the course of a year we have packed a hundred years' worth of acid rain into just twelve months.  Mass extinctions follow.

And remember that laundry you were doing after going out in the sodastorm?  And the shower you had to take?  Yeeeah, it's not going to be long before you are doing your laundry in dilute Pepsi and showering in dilute Pepsi, assuming that the liquid's acidity and density don't disable your plumbing completely.  I don't care how much you like Pepsi; that's gross.

I wish for a lucky Friday the 13th.

Last edited by satyreyes (02-06-2015 03:26:39 PM)

Granted.

I wish to do the Time Warp again.

Granted. Unfortunately, the dribble that is on the air is not what grabs your interest. What does are: watching grass grow, paint drying, ice melting, and recordings of the loading bar for uploading videos.

I wish Eldritch horrors were real.

Granted. But the cuttlefish is incapable of learning human language, so you'll need to learn to speak cuttlefish before you can actually give it any commands.

I wish I had a sandwich.