I'm a bartender, so I have lots of lewd drunk stories, but my most shocking stories hail from my summer at the strip club, where I served drinks as opposed to dancing...

(G-rated versions of adult situations - be warned)

I was bringing a round of drinks to the back room, where the lap dances are given when one of the dancers passed out and thudded to the floor. I was in full-blown mother hen mode, circling around, near hysterics. I asked the other dancers in the vicinity if they knew if this particular girl had been taking anything strange. Not one stopped dancing, as a lifeless body lay on the floor, and I received the rude answer, "Why ask us, how should we know, call the manager!" The manager arrived, and tossed the girl into the strippers dressing room. The manager yelled at her, she needed to be on stage in a few minutes, and then her dancer friend jumped on her and began punching and smacking her. "How could you pass out like this, I need that phone number you have! How could you do this to me?" Yes, a nude stripper fight broke out! When I returned to the dancer's dressing room to check on things a few rounds later, those two were passed out (nude) on opposite corners of the room. The other dancers were literally stepping over them, as if they weren't even there. If it wouldn't have been so pathetic, it would have been hilarious.

Same place...
All the cocktails were college girls making quick money for the summer. We each used strategies to calm the grabby customers, and mean dancers. When the old men would look lustily up and down, asking, "Why aren't you on stage?" I would answer, "Oh, I'm not an extravert, I'm more of a funny person." Then told a joke. Thereby, becoming the "funny buddy" instead of the sex object. It always served me well, UNTIL... I was laughing and joking with a cowboy and his dancer, China. All evening, my jokes were better than the next, they were very impressed, and cowboy kept his hands off all right. However, the dancer was so taken with my comedy show that she grabbed my face and French kissed me. I hadn't really planned for this situation. I stood there, mouth shut, holding my drinks, and when she finished I nervously stammered out something like, "Will you be alright getting home tonight?" Obviously, she was drunk and I was suggesting that she might want to be extra careful, drunk enough to make out with a random stranger, but I did not realize until I heard the cowboy dirty laughing, that my question came out like a proposition. Like, "I'll take you home!" Kiss. Okay, I'll take you home! YES! It looked like I was propositioning the stripper. Ooops! The best joke of the evening! Oh well, did I spill a single drink, friends? Not a one.

Lastly...
Before the strip club, I worked in an upscale bar with very strict regulations regarding ask trays. The second someone put one out, if you weren’t busy, you were to clean it. So, I brought that "level of professionalism" (heh) to the strip club. I was constantly emptying ash trays. For some reason, this offended THE most glamorous stripper! First, she asked me sarcastically if that was my job. Then, every time I would pass her little group, she would grab the ash tray and emphatically wave it in the air. Even the guys she was sitting with looked at me apologetically, she was being so overtly rude. She even had a stupid little nickname for me, Ash Tray girl - clever nickname from a clever intellect! I would compare her to Nanami picking on Anthy. But Anthy had her revenge! Once I quit that horrid establishment, I returned with my best friend and her wealthy old boyfriend. He placed lots of cash on the table, and called that stripper out to sit with us. When she arrived, my friend and I loudly exclaimed we'd rather a different dancer. Every other girl sat with us, and was tipped extravagantly, except the Mean One. The horrified expression on her face when she recognized Ash Tray girl at the coveted table, priceless!

Interestingly enough, I interviewed almost every dancer, during the course of my employment, as to why they were working in such an establishment. Most popular answer = fatherless children. Unfortunate, huh.

So Frosty, did you take the stripper home with you?

Yasha wrote:

Spanking story

Yes this is the best job ever kidding, but the 100$ for the spanking that is for the fucking win!!!!

Edit: For huge block of text.

Last edited by Giovanna (12-11-2006 09:42:42 AM)

The best comedy material comes from real life. And frankly, if you don't laugh about it, it's kind of depressing.

I'm a waiter. I work at an IHOP that's about a ten minute drive from my house. I was working the other day around two o'clock so people who'd slept in (it was a Saturday) were still comign in and ordering breakfast. On my way back to the kitchen from delivering eggs or whatever to a table, I passed my next-door neighbor. Actually, I almost tripped over her foot.

She didn't recognize me.

Now, this isn't someone I never interact with. She's been my neighbor for fifteen years. When her youngest sister and I were little we'd play together and try to avoid the only other kid on the block who was our age, because he was a little bastard. She quite literally watched me grow up, and she didn't recognize me. I guess it's true. If you're wearing a blue apron, you become invisible.

Although on more than one occasion, I've seen people who were customers of mine outside of work, and they've recognized me. What does that say, especially given that my neighbor doesn't recognize me?

Why thank you, Mrs. Robinson.

I don't like my work apron, but it does help keep me clean. And I do get to wear a tie.

Well I'm sure YOU would recognize me at work then. Though I think I look better in a suit than an apron.

The best stories ALWAYS involve alcohol.

But that's...kinda gross. Eww.

morosemocha wrote:

How do you get to be a bartender? I've thought about it, 'cause the ones here at Disney clean up . Is there like...an online school of bar-tendering or something?

Hahaha - hair story!

Different states have different liquor laws. I went to a bartending school when I turned 18, so I could go to college & work at night. I'm not sure, but I think each state may have a program. Mine was the Texas School of Bartenders, just a 2 week course. If I remember correctly, you went 4 hours a day learning how to hand pour, memorizing popular mixed drinks, the proper glasses and shots. Basically everything you would learn a few days at the real thing. It's just a piece of paper that you don't need to have if it isn't required. Some states require that you have a "bar card" which means you have taken a test regarding "alcohol safety". You learns such gems as: don't serve drinks to drunks.

If your state doesn't require a bar card, then you have it made... You don't need the school - nowadays, bars usually use a cola drink gun to pour the alcohol to keep you from serving the customer 25 cents more liquor than they paid for. And, almost every bar has an index file of all the drink combinations, hidden somewhere in the bar. When someone orders something you have no clue, or forgotten, just take it to the index. After a few weeks, when you learn the liquor combos, when people come and ask for some shot you've never heard of before, you just ask them what it tastes like, and what color it is supposed to be - you can replicate nearly anything.

No bar card, great. Next, LIE in your resume about previous bartending experience, once they put you back there - all the bartenders will help you. It *IS* a generalization, but I've noticed unlike the rivalry that tends to follow the wait staff, bartenders stick together. If you're interested I can scan in the book, which has all the drink combos you'd ever need, your virtual online tutor. I do recommend bartending, fast cash, AND, a lot less running around than the poor wait staff... ALSO, all you deal with are drinkers, so mean customers turn friendly after a few rounds! Yay!

ShatteredMirror wrote:

BRING STRIPPER HOME?

Nah, me = too dumbfounded, but I should've. That stripper HAS had reoccurring appearances in my fantasies since then...
My assumption on forgetfulness: neighbor lady is just too self-involved. I would fashion your apron & tie a combo restraint device. Useful during work AND play.

Another funny work story, from my days cocktailing at Harrah's casino: A lady, dressed in all black leather, walks in...sits at a slot machine...and removes her top. She's just sitting there, playing the slots...TOPLESS. Nice. Security presented her with a free T-shirt from the gift shop.

Appletini's are some of the most wonderful things on this earth.

I have a story. This is basically a day in the life of a wildlife attendant. I work in the middle of nowhere, keep screwy hours, and the complex is several acres big so the head doesn't always know what's going on at the tail. Most of us have one little special area we work in and everything else becomes "not our problem."

Here's something lovely that happend over the summer:

I handle the mountain lion that can't go back into the wild. My job is basically feed the guy, keep him aclimated to people since he's stuck with us, and make little puzzle-for-treat type things so he stays stimulated and not depressed. We keep the shed with the crap pretty far friom Chandler's enclosure, so I cut through the woods a few times a day to get his toys. There's a pretty random port-o-potty on a slab of concrete in that area. Strapped around the port-o-potty is an old metal garbage can. I never really gave the thing much thought, until one day I was mucking around the woods and I heard someone SCREAM AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS.

I was slightly worried Chandler got out and attacked someone (which he never does, but if he did I'm kind of worried it'd be on my ass) so I ran to help this lady out, and it was a custodian who knocked over the garbage can.

What was inside the garbage can, was a writhing white mass of maggots. Thousands. Of. Them. Some of them were (I swear) as big as my freaking pinkie. Some brilliant individual tossed some meat in there a few weeks ago and the rest of us brilliant individuals never got close enough to the thing to think to clean it out. Watching all those maggots was pretty terrific, though.

It's a mountain lion, a cougar/puma/etc, but it's still pretty cool. From what I've heard they're one hell of a lot easier to handle than the other big cats. There's a big cat rescue not too far from here so if I ever have a reason to stop at this job I may use my previous experience to get me hired at that place. ;p Either way, I'm just as happy with snakes and birds and this tentative PHd in Paleontology I'll be going after in the near future.

BUT YOU GET TO WORK WITH BOOZE which I also like. o: In fact, it's probably a bad thing that I know as much about cocktails as most of my bartender friends and can just as easily pour a shot into a regular glass without thinking about it with my thumb over the opening. I'm pretty sure that's actually the early stages of stealth alcoholism.

Giovanna wrote:

Frosty wrote:

If you're interested I can scan in the book, which has all the drink combos you'd ever need, your virtual online tutor.

Ooo ooo I am! I am! Actually a coworker just went to bartending school, maybe I'll ask if I can borrow her book when she stops leaving my ass to dry out here skipping work EVEN THOUGH WE'RE BOTH SICK SO I GET STUCK HERE DEALING WITH HER SHIT AND MY SHIT AND MY BOSS'S SHIT AAAAAAUGH. Ahem. Anyway, I was reading it and hit the Phantom Martini. It's totally like the Phantom of the Opera because there's a black olive in it. Hurr! For some reason it struck me funny and I laughed like an idiot for about an hour. I think it had something to do with me not really thinking he'd be a martini kinda guy.

I love mixed drinks. Actually I love just about all manner of alcohol except for beer, but some drinks are just so stupid sounding I can't keep my dignity while ordering them. Like an appletini. Cosmos are yummy, though.

Ooo ooo work story fresh off the presses.

Boss: GIO MY LAPTOP WON'T START
Gio: Is it plugged in?
Boss: NO
Gio: Is the battery in?
Boss: NO
Gio: Is there any power source at all going to the computer?
Boss: NO
Gio: Maybe you should plug it into the AC adapter.
Boss: OKAY I'LL TRY THAT
(twenty minutes later)
Boss: YOU'RE SO SMART GIO

Please note she was completely oblivious to my smartassing there.

that's great and i think that i would die laughing at her and i second what you said about drinking i heart all things liqour related i wont touch BEER...eeeeewwwww and at least wine (not that i am a fan of it) is regarded as classy. 

Mr. Cox rear-ended Mr. Beaverson...

If you ever find a Mr. Long who's engaged to a Miss Cox, be sure to let us know. Because then it'll be the Long-Cox wedding.