One sperm says to the other: "How far is it to the ovaries?"

The other one replies: "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."

What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

Why is urine yellow and sperm white?

So men can tell if they are coming or going.

A seventy-five-year old year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the seventy-five-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as he had received it on the previous day.

"Where's the sample?" said the Doctor.
"Well, doctor, it's like this," the man explained. "First I tried with my right hand, but that didn't work. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still no joy. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing."

"I see.." said the Doctor dubiously. "Then what did you do?"
"Well, I asked my sixteen year old neice to lend a hand, but she failed too, even when she took it between her legs and squeezed it really hard."
"Her legs!" exclaimed the doctor, appalled.

"So I went next door to Eileen, and she tried too, first with both hands, then both armpits in turn and she even tried rolling it between her knees, but still nothing.
"You asked your neighbour?" cried the shocked doctor.

"The old man replied, "Yes, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the fucking jar open!"

I invented some little jokes myself. Chemists, don't blame me.

A: What are you doing?
B: I am building a castle with all kinds of silicon compounds.
A: Why can't you just say that you are making a sand castle? It's not a chemistry exam!!

A: What are you drinking?
B: I'm drinking a compound called bi-hydrogen oxide.
A: ???
(This bi-hydrogen oxide is the water we drink everyday. Its chemical formula is H2O.)

Funny Bumper Stickers

There are 3 kinds of people in the world.
Those who count and those can't.

If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made 'em out of meat.!

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

Telepath wanted: You already know where to apply.

I drive way too fast to worry about my cholesterol.

The early bird gets the worm, but it is the second mouse that gets the cheese.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Yes. Yes I did.

I also LOL'd hard. Especially since my dad was the one telling it.

What did Creon say to the chorus after Oedipus stabbed out his eyes?
Now there's a face only a mother could love!

These two women talked at a class reunion for the first time in 20 years. Both of them had married very well, and it showed.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, one woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”
The other woman commented, “That's nice, dear.”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.” Again, the other woman commented, “That's nice, dear.”
The first woman continued boasting, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the second woman commented, “Well, that's nice, dear.”
The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the second lady.
“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “Oh my Goodness! What on earth for?"
The other lady responded, “Well,  I learned to say, 'That's nice, dear' instead of 'Fuck you, bitch'."

Last edited by Raven Nightshade (11-16-2007 10:49:24 PM)

That sounds like a lot of work when she could've just asked Bubba for his height, measured his shadow, measured the flagpole's shadow, and done a quick proportion.  But she didn't ask me. 

It's well-known that Indian spiritual leader Mahatma Gandhi went barefoot all the time, and that his age and unusual diet made him frail.  It's less well-known that this diet gave him extremely bad breath.  Truly, Gandhi was a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Exercise tips:

    Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
    After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and eventually try to get where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
    After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks!

Haha, that one would have been more effective if not included on a page titled JOKES. Real life possibilities there!

The Curtain Rods
    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring water.
    When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow the curtain rods. She then cleaned up and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
   People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.  Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
   The ex-wife called and asked how things were going. He told her their saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/3 of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
   A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
   And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!

  I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING! 


This is for all the conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
    John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather, asking, "Are these plates clean?"
    His grandfather replies, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, sonny!"
    For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
    Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now, don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"
    Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!"
    Without diverting his attention from wood he was whittling, the old man shouted... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!"

Two muffins are baking in the oven. One muffin turns to the other and says "Wow it's really hot in here!" The other replies "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!"

A man was low on cash, so he went on to the edge of the Echo Valley and shouted a question: "Should I buy booze or bread?"
The echo answered: Bread?!

Teh Italiano~
I am an Italiano. One day ima gonna L.A. to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to t he toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings m e a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tella her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!''



WaterMelons!
A couple of homeless guys were walking around in a rural area. It was getting dark and it was cold outside, so they decided to go to the nearest house and ask to spend the night.
The first that they came to, a farmer answered the door. He was a nice fellow, and let them sleep over under one condition: They wouldn't go into his daughter's room or there will be trouble.
The next morning, he finds both of them not only in his daughters room, but in her bed with her!
He gets his shotgun and tells each bum to pick 50 of his favorite fruits from the garden.
The first guy comes back with 50 cherries. The farmer says: "Pull down your pants." and points the shotgun at the guy. The guy obliges. Then the farmer starts stuffing the cherries up the guys @$$.
After the first 10 cherries, the guy starts laughing. The farmer continues. 20. The guy it still laughing. 30. The guy laughs harder. 40. The guy laughs even harder. 50. The guy falls down on the floor from laughter. The farmer can't stand it anymore: "Why are you laughing?"

A brunette was jumping rope on some train tracks and shouting, "Twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one!" over and over. A blonde came by and asked what she was doing, and the brunette said, "Just jumping around on these tracks and yelling twenty-one."
    "Can I try?"
    "Sure, I'll be right back."
    So the brunette runs off into the nearby forest. Suddenly, a train comes by and hits the blonde. When the train passes, the brunette comes back with a jump rope and starts yelling, "Twenty-two, twenty-two, twenty-two!"

@purplepolecat
Oops!! I was too sleepy, I must've forgotten to include the last line XD

Ohh.. You like brokeback mountain eh?



Here's moar!!


3 girls asked their dad's permission to go on dates..
Girl1: Dad, I'm going out with PETE to EAT
Girl2: I'm going out with LANCE to DANCE
Girl3: I'm going out with CHUCK to...
Dad: HELL NO!! YOU STAY HERE!!

----------------

One day, a bus driver was offered a handful of peanuts by an old Lady, which he gratefully munched up. The old Lady repeatedly gave peanuts to the driver eight more times, but on the ninth time, the driver asked the old lady why she didn't eat the peanuts herself.

The old lady replied that it was not possible because she had no teeth. "Why then do you buy them?" the driver asked, puzzled. The old lady answered "I just love the chocolates around them." Ü

OMG!! Horrible old woman!