26. You can't use Mordenkainen's Mansion spell to make a party in there.
27. You can't summon a Balor and order him to summon some Tanar'ri - Succubi, just because your party is horny.
28. Even if you have maxed Diplomacy skills and Charisma above 20, you can't tell a Lolth priestess to f**k off.
29. Roasted orcs do not taste like chicken
30. Being horny is not the only motivation you need to have to become a Sune priest

http://shadowsystems.laurencemartin.org … hology.pdf

And of course:

http://www.amazon.com/Book-Erotic-Fanta … 097420451X

You'd be surprised how much of the above jokes have already been in print.

(First one's an actual .pdf, may take a while to load.  A good read though. ;)

There's no summon spell for Drizzt do'Urden, no matter how much you offer his patron deity.
No matter how much charisma you have, you can't walk into a Llolth temple and shout a paen to Eilistraee and not expect to get sacrificed.
Likewise, no amount of magic will ever resurrect Eilistraee. (I really liked that Goddess...*sniff*)

41. There is no "surrounding" bonus.
42. Barmaid isn't a prestige class, either.
43. Your paladin cannot have a My Little Pony as a mount, no, I don't care how fluffy she is.
44. "Making the party paladin fall" is not an appropriate character goal.
45. Taking bets on how long this will take is also right out.
46. You cannot dance around the opponent, trying to flank, and assume you will not take any attacks of opportunity.
47. No you can't make a tumble check in full plate, wtf, it would sound like a pile of tin cans rolling down the stairs and be about as affective.
48. A PC dies. All you have in the party as far as bringing-back-to-life magic goes is a druid with reincarnation.  There is a d100 chart for reincarnation, with stuff like "brown bear" on it. If the PC comes back as a brown bear or something equally dumb, it is not okay to kill them off and just keep reincarnating and killing them off until the PC comes back as an acceptable race!

Last edited by hollow_rose (02-03-2009 07:31:53 PM)

49. Your character in a medevial setting may not "invent" gunpowder or other explosives, even if you personally know how they are made.
50. Magical weapons may have effects such as "1D6 Fire damage" or "1D4 Acid damage," but not "1D12 Collateral damage."
51. "Awful Evil," "Chaotic Angry," and "True Brutal" are not allowed as alignments, unless you are playing a death metal themed campaign.
52. Bigby's Crushing Hand is not intended for making rude or obscene gestures.
53. Tenser's Floating Disk is not designed for use in acrobatic sexual acts.
54. Spellcasters may not select Dramatic Prairie Dog or Monorail Cat as familiars.
55. Clerics may not choose Raptor Jesus as their diety.
56. Druids may not take Pedobear as an animal form.
57. There is no Bardic spell or feat called "Rickroll."
58. If the party fails their Sense Motive rolls against a greedy merchant and loses all their gold on poor equipment choices, they may not ask the DM for a bailout.

All these rules are pretty cool so far.

61. Barbarian's rage cannot be enhanced by taking Crystal Meth.
62. There is no such thing as a Plutotium elemental.
63. Vulcans are not a subrace of elf.
64. Klingons are not a subrace of trolls either.
65. You cannot use timetravel to go back and kill the same monster with loads of XP you just killed a few hours ago to dain even more XP.
66. There will be NO Death Note, I repeat NO DEATH NOTE in the campaign.
67. You cannot choose Haruhi as your goddess.
68. No you cannot have a half Winged Elf/Troglodyte character.
69. You most certainly cannot have a Pixie/Ogre character.
70. In fact there will be no Hot Skitty on Wailord Type Action in DnD.

71# Having less than 25% of your HP left does not give you Limit Breaks, it just means that you played way too much Final Fantasy.
72# You certainly cannot summon Doomtrain, no matter how awesome that would be.
73# Rangers do not know how to make C4.
74# Even if your PC is an evil Orc, you will not be roleplaying any rape scenes, I am not that kind of DM.
75# Rogues will not have McGyver-level improvising skills in this DM's campaign.
76# If for some reason a spell turns your manly man into a hot babe, the chances are that you will end up stuck as a hot babe because I am that sort of DM.
77# Warrior Priests do not have the Flaw: Pedophile.

----

72. You can't convince a dragon, that he is already dead
73. There is no "Summon Vodka" spell
74. Halflings can't cook ants in order to make a soup
75. Even if you are able to kick Glabrezu in his balls, that doesn't mean he will be sent back to his plane.
76. Elven Pimp is not a prestige Rogue class
77. If you're a female, you can't be the Official Party Whore
78. You can't shapeshift into a Red Dragon just because you want to roast some meat
79. You can't wish from a Genie to have an infinite amount of wishes
80. You can't use the "Wish" spell in order to gain all the exp, that your party would gain after the campaign
81. The High Priestess of Sune is not a whore
82. You can't ask Drizzt Do'Urden for an autograph
83. You can't wish from a Genie to kill Elminster and Volo
84. You can't have a Bunchie as a familiar
85. You can't rape a nymph

NRG's list
78. You can't convince a dragon, that he is already dead
79. There is no "Summon Vodka" spell
80. Halflings can't cook ants in order to make a soup
81. Even if you are able to kick Glabrezu in his balls, that doesn't mean he will be sent back to his plane.
82. Elven Pimp is not a prestige Rogue class
83. If you're a female, you can't be the Official Party Whore
84. You can't shapeshift into a Red Dragon just because you want to roast some meat
85. You can't wish from a Genie to have an infinite amount of wishes
86. You can't use the "Wish" spell in order to gain all the exp, that your party would gain after the campaign
87. The High Priestess of Sune is not a whore
88. You can't ask Drizzt Do'Urden for an autograph
89. You can't wish from a Genie to kill Elminster and Volo
90. You can't have a Bunchie as a familiar
91. You can't rape a nymph

BioKraze's List
92. "Panicked Flight from the Enemy" is not a viable battle strategy when facing an Emperor Lich.
93. There are no such spells as Luminaire, Flare or DarkMatter, and even if there were, you certainly couldn't use it against a Tarrasque.
94. Nishruu and Hakeashars eat wand charges and memorised spells ONLY. They do not eat the magical armour the Paladin wears, nor the Cloak of Elvenkind that the hot Elven chick wears.
95. Monks cannot be Saiyan, and they cannot fire massive blasts of Ki energy.
96. No mage knows, has known or will ever know the spell Ultima, so give it up before the GM sics a Tonberry on you out of frustration.

I corrected the numbers.

102/ While quite effective, you should not resort to castration to make your paladin immune to sexual temptation.
103/ While it certainly qualifies as torture, forcing your prisoners to listen to music by Enya does not gain a -10 to their Will Save.
104/ Orks are NOT kosher.
105/ The requirement for your monk to be a strict humanitarian has nothing to do with cannibalism, trust me on this.
106/ Drinking the sacred wine and then peeing into a jug is not a valid method for creating holy water.

111/ "How To Serve Evil Overlords" isn't a cookbook for cannibals.
112/ Even if you do have everything you need to cast multiple Resurrection spells, you cannot kill your team-mates for the XP.
113/ There is no such thing as a Spell-PDA.
114/ Attack, Block, Dodge, Parry, Evade and even Run are acceptable options in battle, Inseminate is NOT.

119/ No offering your party's paladin as a virgin sacrifice.
120/ Never utter the words "At least it couldn't get any worse." around this DM, because YOU WILL BE PROVEN WRONG!
121/ Bards do not play bagpipes unless they Evilly aligned.