This is a static copy of In the Rose Garden, which existed as the center of the western Utena fandom for years. Enjoy. :)

#1 | Back to Top06-09-2007 10:56:05 PM

hyacinth_black
une personne horrible
From: Waiting at the window.
Registered: 10-21-2006
Posts: 3301
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Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Seeing as I was rather unfortunately turned down recently, I've been blue.  And usually when I'm blue I turn to poetry for solace.

I have to say I'm surprised that this forum hasn't gotten a poetry thread yet.  So, lets start, shall we?

Here's a poem I just wrote and I hope you all like it.

~~~~~

Twelfth Songbird

Once I could have sworn
That you said you'd love me
But I was just a little girl
And I couldn't have known that
Your sentimental sonnets and
Your sympathetic melodies
Weren't for me at all.

Maybe you'll fly away
And I'll get over you
Or maybe you're here to stay
And I'll die while you are here.

You are the twelfth songbird
A beating heart that died
And a voice that sings the rhythms
And a mind to match the rhymes
But, maybe, one last time
I'd like to hear your playing
And your lovely sweet melody
That keeps my heart decaying

So go on, sweet songbird,
Fly to paradise
Leave me under our tree
Where so many days went by.

~~~~~

I hope you guys liked it.  I'm a little embarrassed, but I trust that you will give me your honest opinions.


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#2 | Back to Top06-09-2007 11:15:49 PM

Stormcrow
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

That's good.  I prefer something a little lighter before bedtime, so I'll reserve comment until tomorrow, but it is good.  Thanks for sharing.


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#3 | Back to Top06-10-2007 12:27:12 AM

Hiraku
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From: Singapore
Registered: 02-21-2007
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

I like the bittersweet feel from this. Perhaps with the right melody, it can even be made into a song.
It's not really sad so much that I think it seems to be more about leaving the past behind and move on. My question, though, is why the twelfth?

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#4 | Back to Top06-10-2007 01:41:40 AM

satyreyes
no, definitely no cons
From: New Orleans, Louisiana
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Your choices about rhyme are very interesting!  The second stanza is ABAC, which is highly unusual and has always reminded me of something breaking; the dissonance fits the poem's mood very well.  You've also got a couple slant rhymes (died/rhymes, paradise/by) that stand out and help unify the poem without making it harmonious, as true rhymes would.  Nice.  In fact, I might even take it a step farther and replace playing/decaying with a slant rhyme, if only because "playing" feels forced.  Songbirds don't play; they sing or warble or whistle or chant.

Ah, poetry.  If there were one art form I could be best in the world at, I might very well choose poetry.  Alas, I'm not there yet emot-smile  Maybe tomorrow I'll post something here.

EDITED TO ADD: About the title.  There's no chance you're alluding to "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird," is there?  I posted the twelfth stanza in the Favorite Quotes thread earlier.  Twelfth blackbird; twelfth songbird.  Sort of a cool coincidence if you weren't, though!

Last edited by satyreyes (06-10-2007 01:46:16 AM)

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#5 | Back to Top06-10-2007 07:10:13 AM

Stormcrow
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From: Los Angeles
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Posts: 5971
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

After a refreshing good night's sleep, I've realized that it wasn't the poem that was too heavy, it was me.  My eyelids were drooping.  The poem on the other hand, well, I was going to say bittersweet, but Hiraku beat me to the punch.  Still true.  I get the impression of someone dealing with pain in a healthy way, someone who's going to be fine.  This could be a front though, I see that too.  That whole dead heart/decaying business.  That keeps the poem a little darker than my personal taste, but it's very evocative.  Of course, my knowing what's been happening in your life lately informs my interpretation tremendously.emot-wink  I'll second what Satyr said about the scheme, too.  I don't read things closely enough to pick out specifics, but reading it in my head, I felt the meter.  I think that worked very well.  Thanks again!etc-love


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#6 | Back to Top06-10-2007 09:34:53 AM

hyacinth_black
une personne horrible
From: Waiting at the window.
Registered: 10-21-2006
Posts: 3301
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

satyreyes wrote:

EDITED TO ADD: About the title.  There's no chance you're alluding to "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird," is there?  I posted the twelfth stanza in the Favorite Quotes thread earlier.  Twelfth blackbird; twelfth songbird.  Sort of a cool coincidence if you weren't, though!

Actually I was.  I absolutely ADORE that poem.  I was reading the twelfth part over in my head and it really got me thinking.  So I started writing.

I changed it to songbird, though, because it seemed to fit better in the situation.


Everyone wrote:

love for the poem

Thanks so much!  I'll definitely post more poetry soon!


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#7 | Back to Top06-10-2007 09:35:36 AM

Epi_lepsia
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From: Madrid, Spain
Registered: 11-26-2006
Posts: 1429
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

All my poems and songs are in spanish u_u i just have 2 or 3 songs in english, but they are so crappy i don't feel like posting them.

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#8 | Back to Top06-10-2007 09:43:13 AM

hyacinth_black
une personne horrible
From: Waiting at the window.
Registered: 10-21-2006
Posts: 3301
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

One of my friends knows Spanish fluently.  Maybe she could help you translating your poems.


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#9 | Back to Top06-10-2007 09:52:30 AM

Epi_lepsia
Tragedian
From: Madrid, Spain
Registered: 11-26-2006
Posts: 1429
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Poems can't be translated, they wouldn't make sense and they wont keep the rhythm, unless somebody adapts them.

But okay, i'll try....

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#10 | Back to Top06-10-2007 11:50:59 AM

satyreyes
no, definitely no cons
From: New Orleans, Louisiana
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 10328
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

hyacinth_black wrote:

satyreyes wrote:

About the title.  There's no chance you're alluding to "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird," is there?  I posted the twelfth stanza in the Favorite Quotes thread earlier.  Twelfth blackbird; twelfth songbird.  Sort of a cool coincidence if you weren't, though!

Actually I was.  I absolutely ADORE that poem.  I was reading the twelfth part over in my head and it really got me thinking.  So I started writing.

I changed it to songbird, though, because it seemed to fit better in the situation.

Really?  Wow!  Glad there's another Blackbird fan among us emot-smile  Why the twelfth songbird, then?  Blackbird Twelve speaks to me of faith in beauty more than bittersweet loss.  Maybe if Blackbird Twelve is about spring migration it works... but this feels much more like a Blackbird Five to me, what with the singing, and the importance of presence and absence.

Wallace Stevens wrote:

V
I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of inflections
Or the beauty of innuendoes,
The blackbird whistling
Or just after.

Oh, God, have I officially crossed the line between literary analysis and wankery? emot-gonk

Last edited by satyreyes (06-10-2007 11:52:39 AM)

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#11 | Back to Top06-10-2007 12:05:36 PM

hyacinth_black
une personne horrible
From: Waiting at the window.
Registered: 10-21-2006
Posts: 3301
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

satyreyes wrote:

hyacinth_black wrote:

satyreyes wrote:

About the title.  There's no chance you're alluding to "Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird," is there?  I posted the twelfth stanza in the Favorite Quotes thread earlier.  Twelfth blackbird; twelfth songbird.  Sort of a cool coincidence if you weren't, though!

Actually I was.  I absolutely ADORE that poem.  I was reading the twelfth part over in my head and it really got me thinking.  So I started writing.

I changed it to songbird, though, because it seemed to fit better in the situation.

Really?  Wow!  Glad there's another Blackbird fan among us emot-smile  Why the twelfth songbird, then?  Blackbird Twelve speaks to me of faith in beauty more than bittersweet loss.  Maybe if Blackbird Twelve is about spring migration it works... but this feels much more like a Blackbird Five to me, what with the singing, and the importance of presence and absence.

Wallace Stevens wrote:

V
I do not know which to prefer,
The beauty of inflections
Or the beauty of innuendoes,
The blackbird whistling
Or just after.

Oh, God, have I officially crossed the line between literary analysis and wankery? emot-gonk

There's a line to cross?  Oh...

I chose the twelfth one because I interpreted it as being that the river would be time and the blackbird would be things changing.  I'm a bit of a n00b at analysis though. emot-tongue


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#12 | Back to Top06-10-2007 12:17:27 PM

Persephone
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From: Edge of the Light
Registered: 01-31-2007
Posts: 687
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

I like it, and I'm a poet who seems to think everything is cliche'.
It reminds me of a time once....long ago.
I have some poetry if you guys don't mind me submitting it.


It's just time to be
sammy to the rasoodock.
And close up the business
of heart-related matters.

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#13 | Back to Top06-10-2007 12:18:22 PM

Persephone
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From: Edge of the Light
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Posts: 687
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Slide in.

It's all about being humble, correct?
I'm not just thinking insane,
tats on your back
tits for tats?
Tattooed across your face,
a wacky way
to bring  this and say
"Babe, be mine forever."
I scream and jeer,
shout out queer,
weird and wonderfully.
replace this space.
Empty and shell?
Sell it for all it's worth.
Replace, all that wasn't there.
Nay, Tantric discouragement
is my specialty and I
wield it well.
Hop to the other foot and dance
a sublime tune
Roll on all fours
Show me tattoos.
Fucking for luck
replace all that's left?
As if there was a hole
I'd leave you bereft.
Fuck whatever came along,
and show me your song.
Wiping sweat for days
from your hunger
to please.
Seize, everything that's left.

Last edited by Persephone (06-10-2007 12:22:11 PM)


It's just time to be
sammy to the rasoodock.
And close up the business
of heart-related matters.

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#14 | Back to Top06-10-2007 12:20:28 PM

Persephone
Memorial Hollerer
From: Edge of the Light
Registered: 01-31-2007
Posts: 687
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

HOMG THE POETRY DAMN IS BREAKING DOWN!!!

Tamed paradox

Who else is it but me?
A snag in the heart
of tangibility.
We watch
waiting for a sign
a paradox,
tamed for our times.
And notwithsaid
association just becomes
a superficial life.
A jab in the face
and it tramples on
the foundation of identity.


So many writers in me.


Screaming injustice
and treachery.
Waiting for the first string
of conscious to come loose
and break them free.


So ironic in statement,
and so right in stability.

Blah Blah Blah.


It's just time to be
sammy to the rasoodock.
And close up the business
of heart-related matters.

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#15 | Back to Top06-10-2007 12:20:33 PM

satyreyes
no, definitely no cons
From: New Orleans, Louisiana
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 10328
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

hyacinth_black wrote:

I chose the twelfth one because I interpreted it as being that the river would be time and the blackbird would be things changing.  I'm a bit of a n00b at analysis though. emot-tongue

Nothing wrong with that emot-smile  Blackbird is one of the most metaphor-driven poems I know, which (fortunately?) means that it can mean different things to different people.  I'd be hard-pressed to explain what I think/feel the blackbird means, and that's a conversation for another thread anyway.

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#16 | Back to Top06-10-2007 12:24:16 PM

Persephone
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

wait, am I supposed to post think in IFG? I mean there are some dirty words in slide in, I feel horrible, I wish someone could tell me.


It's just time to be
sammy to the rasoodock.
And close up the business
of heart-related matters.

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#17 | Back to Top06-10-2007 12:43:50 PM

satyreyes
no, definitely no cons
From: New Orleans, Louisiana
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 10328
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Persephone wrote:

wait, am I supposed to post think in IFG? I mean there are some dirty words in slide in, I feel horrible, I wish someone could tell me.

You're fine emot-smile  It takes a lot more than a couple curse words to make IFD material.  Unless it's very profane, very sexually explicit, or very private, it probably doesn't need to go in IFD.  The first poem isn't especially profane, and it is mostly what I'd call "sexually implicit," so we'll leave it be.  And I can't find anything even vaguely IFD-ish with the second one, except the word "damn," which should be spelled "dam" in this context emot-wink

Worth reading: The Rules.

Last edited by satyreyes (06-10-2007 12:45:58 PM)

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#18 | Back to Top06-10-2007 12:46:42 PM

hyacinth_black
une personne horrible
From: Waiting at the window.
Registered: 10-21-2006
Posts: 3301
Website

Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Oh, it's okay I think.  As long as there aren't any gratuitous descriptions of sex or violence.

I love your poems by the way.  They have a very interesting beat to them.  And they flow well.  In a sort of... non flowy way.

I hope to hear more from you!


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#19 | Back to Top06-10-2007 01:44:34 PM

Persephone
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

most of the really good ones are on my myspace blog. Shameless spamming
I keep them there so I aways have a reference point.
In fact most of my work is online because my computer is incapable of storing anything.

Last edited by Persephone (06-10-2007 01:45:59 PM)


It's just time to be
sammy to the rasoodock.
And close up the business
of heart-related matters.

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#20 | Back to Top06-10-2007 09:15:19 PM

satyreyes
no, definitely no cons
From: New Orleans, Louisiana
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 10328
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

My turn!  emot-smile  I wrote this one a while ago.  I was more depressed then than I am now, but I still like the poem.  It goes out to poets who are also scientists, and to scientists who are also poets.

Nova

Light-years away, age, entropy and fate
Contrive to make an ancient star expire.
A Titan crushed by fusion’s growing weight,
Prometheus passes on his final fire.

The giant’s parting photons pay no mind.
They too race through the cosmos without pause.
But this last light precedes no light behind –
An eons-old effect bereft of cause.

Still toward the Earth a constant light cascades.
Astronomers, we stare, and tilt our head.
At last, at last, the dot lights up, then fades.
We say – as though it’s news – the star is dead.

I think my soul yet burns – how should I doubt?
I see it shining in the distant sky –
But if a star can burn when long burnt out,
Will I know if I die before I die?

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#21 | Back to Top06-10-2007 09:54:06 PM

Stormcrow
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From: Los Angeles
Registered: 04-24-2007
Posts: 5971
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

I'm reminded, as always, of something Nietzsche wrote.  He was describing the death of god, saying that even though it had already happened, the event had not yet arrived.  That is to say, god was dead, but we hadn't noticed yet.  Even though it was we who killed him.  Just another reminder that action and appearance are two distinct things.


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#22 | Back to Top06-11-2007 12:24:05 AM

Persephone
Memorial Hollerer
From: Edge of the Light
Registered: 01-31-2007
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

satyreyes wrote:

My turn!  emot-smile  I wrote this one a while ago.  I was more depressed then than I am now, but I still like the poem.  It goes out to poets who are also scientists, and to scientists who are also poets.

Nova

Light-years away, age, entropy and fate
Contrive to make an ancient star expire.
A Titan crushed by fusion’s growing weight,
Prometheus passes on his final fire.

The giant’s parting photons pay no mind.
They too race through the cosmos without pause.
But this last light precedes no light behind –
An eons-old effect bereft of cause.

Still toward the Earth a constant light cascades.
Astronomers, we stare, and tilt our head.
At last, at last, the dot lights up, then fades.
We say – as though it’s news – the star is dead.

I think my soul yet burns – how should I doubt?
I see it shining in the distant sky –
But if a star can burn when long burnt out,
Will I know if I die before I die?

No shit!
I am a Marine Bio major, I love your poetry, I can actually visualize what I am reading.


It's just time to be
sammy to the rasoodock.
And close up the business
of heart-related matters.

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#23 | Back to Top06-11-2007 12:43:38 AM

satyreyes
no, definitely no cons
From: New Orleans, Louisiana
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 10328
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Persephone wrote:

No shit!
I am a Marine Bio major, I love your poetry, I can actually visualize what I am reading.

I'm a big believer in imagery in poetry.  I have trouble appreciating poems I can't experience with the senses.  Occasionally a poem can really impress me by giving me just flashes of imagery that seem inexplicably tied together -- I'm thinking here of Theodore Roethke's "The Waking" -- but it's rare.  Now that I think about it, that's probably why I'm unhappy with another poem of mine that I've been trying to get right for over a year.

Last edited by satyreyes (06-11-2007 12:44:55 AM)

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#24 | Back to Top06-11-2007 01:21:31 AM

Persephone
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From: Edge of the Light
Registered: 01-31-2007
Posts: 687
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Most of my poetry is splurged out on paper, if I feel it isn't going in the right direction, I scrap it.


It's just time to be
sammy to the rasoodock.
And close up the business
of heart-related matters.

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#25 | Back to Top06-11-2007 03:59:04 AM

Frosty
Everyone's Best Friend
From: United States
Registered: 11-16-2006
Posts: 1269
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Re: Poetry Thread... (Critiques and Creators welcome!)

Oooh! Good work you poets! I love reading poetry. When I do, I can choose the most beautiful, moving passages, and gorge myself on the delightful meaning. But the crap I write, eh, I'll put it in a metaphor so you can understand clearly: a kindergartener’s finger painting compares to the art in the Sistine Chapel the way my pseudo-prose compares to any poetry with actual merit and value. With that preface, here goes: I have one for lovers, and one for haters, haha, I mean, drug addicted friends.

              Untitled:
From the blankets soaked in speeches
About never leaving, I left
The mystery unsolved
My resolve
Was to never search at all
But I find myself looking
For what I felt
I uncovered the beast
So that it can devour me again
Because if nothing squeezes my heart
It does not beat


                    Cocaine
Electrocuted with a smile on your face
Rush to the executioner’s razor embrace
Into the bathroom to do it again
Kill on the outside what is dead within

I reach out to grab you. You march to the edge
My grip is too weak so you fall in the end
Down at the bottom, broken and blue
This is not what I wanted for you
This is not what I wanted to do
This is what I chose, so you shut your face,
Stitch your mouth closed, I’m here in your place

Our demons won’t carry you back to the top
“God save us!” I’m calling, I’m crying. You’re not.
Let it keep raining, you will not drown,
The water will float you away with a crown
Reigning the kingdom of lies, the world around you dies
All the amphetamine in the world cannot open eyes
That are shut forever, at least we’re together

As you look to the sky with your tranquilized eyes
Angels will lift you to the peak of the earth
Into the womb of heaven for your rebirth
The sweet dream I pray for you, I see all of this
While I wait with you in your tragic darkness

I didn’t want this
Just wake up and forget this
Etched into my memory, my skin, my soul
This broke my heart. I will never be whole


Yeah, I've never shown these to anyone! So, even though it abounds with childish rhyming sequences, consider yourselves privileged. Sort of! emot-redface


Just remember that the things you put into your head are there forever, he said. You might want to think about that. / You forget some things, don't you? / Yes. You forget what you want to remember and you remember what you want to forget.

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