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#1 | Back to Top07-10-2014 01:31:16 PM

Karuka
Electric Apocalypse
From: Planet Uranus
Registered: 06-27-2014
Posts: 160

Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

I'm a bit emotional today so I'm making this thread, the question is, how do you describe your life so far? Is it good, bad, would you change it? And if so what would you want instead?

here's my story,

I'm totally not happy with my life, all I feel is that I was born in the wrong place the wrong time, by the wrong parents and in the wrong environment...

It is ridiculous when I look back,
I was born in greece, in a female body that was only seen as inferior to the male bodied people around me, I wanted to be musician, but my second piano teacher made me hate playing the piano, by beating me and telling me that I was worthless (I was 8) in result I quit playing the piano all together. Then I joined a local brass horn band, I wanted to play the saxophone but I was assigned to a different instrument and ended up playing that for the last 19 years, but never in a professional level (so pretty much a waist of time in the end), I was bullied at school for 5 long torturous years, that caused me to be depressed and suicidal. Then I went to uni and I listened to others and made the wrong decision on the subject of studies (4 years uni studies only for now to have the uni and the subject closed down and therefore my studies have no value at all in my country. The economic crisis has raised the unemployment to huge numbers so I'm unemployed ever since I finished uni and on top of that the long forgotten depression from my teens seems it was eating me from inside, and now in my 30s I can hardly do anything because of mobility issues and intense pain on my whole body all the time. Today also found it extremely hard to walk. I don't know anymore where this life leads me, but my only wish is to be healthy again emot-frown

and another thing that I dont really know how to digest it: a friend of mine met with a former classmate and when she mentioned my name, he said: "I have regretted that I was bullying her in high school"
took him 15 years to regret, and seeing how my life has come to be, it is really too late (or should I ask my bullies to pay my docs and meds? )

sorry for the gloomy mood, I hope all of you have better stories to them and be happy


まずここでこのオスカル・フランソワの命をたってからにされるがよい!

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#2 | Back to Top07-10-2014 02:26:14 PM

OnlyInThisLight
KING OF ALL DUCKS
Registered: 01-15-2008
Posts: 4412

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

I have felt a certain way for the past ten or so years, the reasons why change, but the feeling doesn't.  It's like I'm standing on the edge of a great big chasm, impossibly deep, with the other side so far away it is but a crisp edge on the horizon.  And I stand there, wondering how it is I'm supposed to cross it.  Everyone around me steps up to the edge and leaps, and easily crosses the distance.  I ask how they do it and they say it's simple, it's just jumping.  Humans have been crossing this chasm for thousands of years.  But I know for a fact I can't jump that far, no seriously do you have some tips or some advice? Special jumping techniques?  An exercise regimen?  What is it that I'm missing that makes this task seem impossible, that makes jumping so hard to comprehend?  Is that humans can fly and nobody told me?  It is that I was born with no invisible wings, and all these people in my life are birds trying desperately to teach a snake how to fly?

And there's a wind blowing at my back the whole time, not strong enough to carry a body over, but strong and insistent enough to keep forcing me ever closer to that edge.

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#3 | Back to Top07-11-2014 01:06:55 AM

Karuka
Electric Apocalypse
From: Planet Uranus
Registered: 06-27-2014
Posts: 160

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

I think what you are looking for is "will" to make the jump, not abilities or wings just will.
but to find that will you need a reason to cross over, and those reasons to be stronger than the reasons that keep you from jumping.
It includes sacrifices, self esteem, and sometimes the courage to hurt others with jumping. But if that jump will set you free and free is all you ask then nothing else matters.

I have personally been giving too much attention to others, that my whole life is instructed by others, so now that I have jumped in the cliff of my personal freedom, my bones are all "broken" and I can't move, I'm stuck there unable to make my dreams come true, and the only way to cure those "broken" bones is to go back, and those who want me back they build a bridge to come and get me...


まずここでこのオスカル・フランソワの命をたってからにされるがよい!

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#4 | Back to Top07-11-2014 02:26:32 AM

Decrescent Daytripper
Best Disney Princess
Registered: 04-09-2007
Posts: 2791

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

OITL, maybe it's not your lot to jump. Not to steal a phrase, but maybe you can cross that bridge after you're way past it? Climb down the face of the cliff, walk the valley, climb up the other end. Or go the long way around. We like to say that scary things are only scary because we don't know what's coming or we don't have the prep, but that's the exception, I think. Most scary things are scary because we know they're going to hurt, not because they might.

Not that I know what I'm talking about so much. Just suggestions.

Anyhow, personally, I'm happy. I've got work I love, for people/organizations I love. Money's good for where i live, the place is good, weather's nice, people are good, local culture sits well with me. I'm taking a six month break to take care of my grandpa starting in a couple weeks. I haven't lived in a place without hot and cold running water and functional flush toilet in a long long time.

There's been shit and grief in my life, but on the whole, the world's been very good to me.

Karuka wrote:

a friend of mine met with a former classmate and when she mentioned my name, he said: "I have regretted that I was bullying her in high school"
took him 15 years to regret, and seeing how my life has come to be, it is really too late (or should I ask my bullies to pay my docs and meds? )

Not to be a prick, or anything, but don't be too quick to judge, or at least, to judge pessimistically, unless you really know what was going on in the bully's life back when, or how he's doing now. It can lead to more self-recrimination, and more stewing about old sins, and all manner of other bad frustrations you don't need in your life.

I flat hated a guy I went to school with, way back. He never got suspended, never got expelled, and none of the students could understand it. He was a jerk. He'd be cool for two seconds then just mean as hell or rude and inappropriate, etc. I loathed that dude.

What I didn't know was that the nuns were keeping him, that his family had just dumped him there, the one white kid at a school full of Indians, and he knows he's got no family to go back to, just this. Maybe that doesn't excuse him being a brutal bastard all the time, but still.

I held that grudge for over a decade, and when our reunion was going to happen, I got a message from him, apologizing, trying to make things clear. I talked to other former classmates. He spent four months getting clean just so he could send apology messages to everyone and attend the reunion. He last about four weeks of totally clean and straight-headed, before he relapsed right back into things. But that's a hardcore thing to do just to say "sorry."


My Brain is the Wakaba and Shiori Funtime Hour. With limited commercial interruption.

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#5 | Back to Top07-11-2014 04:48:33 AM

Karuka
Electric Apocalypse
From: Planet Uranus
Registered: 06-27-2014
Posts: 160

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

Decrescent Daytripper wrote:

Not to be a prick, or anything, but don't be too quick to judge, or at least, to judge pessimistically, unless you really know what was going on in the bully's life back when, or how he's doing now. It can lead to more self-recrimination, and more stewing about old sins, and all manner of other bad frustrations you don't need in your life.

My bullies had issues at home like everyone has issues at home, I had my own issues as well (poverty, parent fights etc), they had their own with divorced parents and the like. So my bullies and I were pretty much at the same level of troubles. I was though alone, and had almost all boys of my class (and some from other classes) bulling me and treating me like an animal. I wanted to kill myself everyday that passed because of them. So it is not about judging, I dont wish them bad or anything, but I simply can't erase everything with an apology. I had nightmares of them beating me to death, it was an ugly time of my life, and right now I'm the one disabled, not them, they are better in their lives, some have good jobs, some others are married with kids, I'm the one who lost that battle in the end. That ugly time costs my current health.


まずここでこのオスカル・フランソワの命をたってからにされるがよい!

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#6 | Back to Top07-11-2014 12:40:52 PM

yusaku
String Theorist
From: Kansas City
Registered: 03-09-2014
Posts: 180

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

Life has been tough. I am grateful for what I have, but it has not been easy. I got a full academic scholarship and graduated university with honors in Chemistry Advanced Study. I worked in my industry for some years. I went back to graduate school twice. Now I $140,000 in student loans and a job making $55,000. I am far from breaking even. The good thing is I am employed with pay above the US national average pay. Plus, I enjoy my job. Mostly, I sit on my butt and smile for a living. The bad is I am financially insolvent. The ugly I got five dollars until next pay day and I am ridiculously overweight.

Now it was worse. I smoked three packs of cigarettes per day, but I quit in 2011. I lost 70 pounds of fat since last September. I found things to inspire me. My passion is playing the cello. I also like to build my own yacht. I found my passions because I searched for them. I did not know what a cello was until I met my instructor when I was at work. I decided to give it a try and I have been passionate about it every since. Go try some things. You will be surprised what you may be passionate about. YOU must look for your passion. Trust me you must look. When I got passionate about the cello and boat building I found the will power to lose the weight because I found a greater passion. You will walk without pain if you find your passion. Yet, you must look for it. You will find your passion. Expect success and you will have it.


***The world is one large Rose Academy!!!***

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#7 | Back to Top07-11-2014 02:30:01 PM

zevrem
Banned
Registered: 03-23-2013
Posts: 387

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

Karuka wrote:

Decrescent Daytripper wrote:

Not to be a prick, or anything, but don't be too quick to judge, or at least, to judge pessimistically, unless you really know what was going on in the bully's life back when, or how he's doing now. It can lead to more self-recrimination, and more stewing about old sins, and all manner of other bad frustrations you don't need in your life.

My bullies had issues at home like everyone has issues at home, I had my own issues as well (poverty, parent fights etc), they had their own with divorced parents and the like. So my bullies and I were pretty much at the same level of troubles. I was though alone, and had almost all boys of my class (and some from other classes) bulling me and treating me like an animal. I wanted to kill myself everyday that passed because of them. So it is not about judging, I dont wish them bad or anything, but I simply can't erase everything with an apology. I had nightmares of them beating me to death, it was an ugly time of my life, and right now I'm the one disabled, not them, they are better in their lives, some have good jobs, some others are married with kids, I'm the one who lost that battle in the end. That ugly time costs my current health.

Yeah I honestly felt that was a pretty weird (and naive) thing to say. You don't deal with vicious people by offering them sympathy. The only thing they understand, generally speaking, is fear.


The real purpose of elections is to make the people hate each other more than they hate their government.

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#8 | Back to Top07-11-2014 09:07:29 PM

Decrescent Daytripper
Best Disney Princess
Registered: 04-09-2007
Posts: 2791

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

zevrem wrote:

The only thing they understand, generally speaking, is fear.

How's that working out for you?

And, is the OP  supposed to scare the person who bullied them years ago but is now genuinely regretful? Or wait for a time machine and go punk out the bully kid?


My Brain is the Wakaba and Shiori Funtime Hour. With limited commercial interruption.

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#9 | Back to Top07-12-2014 12:14:11 AM

Karuka
Electric Apocalypse
From: Planet Uranus
Registered: 06-27-2014
Posts: 160

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

yusaku wrote:

YOU must look for your passion. Trust me you must look. When I got passionate about the cello and boat building I found the will power to lose the weight because I found a greater passion. You will walk without pain if you find your passion. Yet, you must look for it. You will find your passion. Expect success and you will have it.

sadly enough I have dreams bur this disability doesn't allow me to follow them at the moment, I\ll try starting guitar lesson once the music school opens and she what I can do with that, I'm trying to find a job online(that only require to have a computer, which I do) as well but so far nothing. I'm not as sad as my first post shows, I got a little bit emotional there ><

But thank you for the encouraging words, hope you walk a happy life emot-smile

Decrescent Daytripper wrote:

zevrem wrote:

The only thing they understand, generally speaking, is fear.

How's that working out for you?

And, is the OP  supposed to scare the person who bullied them years ago but is now genuinely regretful? Or wait for a time machine and go punk out the bully kid?

I have actually tried everything I could think, from fist fighting to call them names, to talking to a teacher, their only answer was "no matter that you do, we wont stop"
I think what triggered some of them to bully me was jealousy of some short, we were 13 when it started, I was wearing a biker leather jacket (a left over from my cousin who was too big to wear it) so I had heard some boys commenting "who does she think she is?" then at PE while trying basketball, I did a jump-shot and scored, which wounded their ego and they started calling me names from that day on for 5 long years.


まずここでこのオスカル・フランソワの命をたってからにされるがよい!

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#10 | Back to Top07-13-2014 07:30:14 AM

yusaku
String Theorist
From: Kansas City
Registered: 03-09-2014
Posts: 180

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

Karuka you can also try write a novel or shirt stories for an outlet. I think an utena fanfic would be a good starter project for you.


***The world is one large Rose Academy!!!***

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#11 | Back to Top07-13-2014 09:11:34 AM

Aninha
Juri Jeerer
Registered: 07-12-2014
Posts: 40

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

On the outlet thing, maybe you could write revenge fantasies, or do something really juvenile, like get some pictures of your former bullies and take a piss on them or something, just to get that feeling of "fuck you" really out, you know?

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#12 | Back to Top07-13-2014 10:27:19 AM

Karuka
Electric Apocalypse
From: Planet Uranus
Registered: 06-27-2014
Posts: 160

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

yusaku wrote:

Karuka you can also try write a novel or shirt stories for an outlet. I think an utena fanfic would be a good starter project for you.

fanfic actually I'm only writing for Haruka & michiru from sailor moon and I already write short stories I can't write novels lol my muse is asleep at the moment maybe is because of the meds I take for my health


Aninha wrote:

On the outlet thing, maybe you could write revenge fantasies, or do something really juvenile, like get some pictures of your former bullies and take a piss on them or something, just to get that feeling of "fuck you" really out, you know?

I'm a sucker of romance fics ahahhah I'm trying to write a script for theatre now but as I said above my muse is sleeping, as for the picture LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL emot-roflemot-roflemot-roflemot-roflemot-rofl that was a good laugh thanks emot-biggrin school-devil


まずここでこのオスカル・フランソワの命をたってからにされるがよい!

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#13 | Back to Top07-13-2014 11:18:43 AM

Snow
Troublesome Insect
From: under the dogstar sail
Registered: 09-30-2013
Posts: 643

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

Karuka, I find your story very moving, and it reminded me a bit of my own primary school days.
After my first grade was finished, I moved from a relatively big school in the city to a small community with a tiny school. I never fully adapted. Mostly thanks to being mentally conditioned by my classmates into believing I was a worthless, horrible human being, nearly every day, for seven years. There was no physical violence, mostly due to the bullies being all girls  (we had like, 3 boys in class), but it left me with some nasty defense mechanisms and walls around me it took years to bring down. I still don't know why they picked on me that much. I was the best student in class, yes, but I never flaunted it and in fact purposely limited myself sometimes as to not make others feel bad. Maybe that was the arrogance that spurred them on. I was a weird kid and disliked anyone's company, but I only became like that to shield myself from them, and at first I wanted to fit in, to be friends with everybody.  My parents were understanding, they did what they could and wanted me to transfer, but I adamantly refused (why I refused, I'll never know though). Maybe they envied me for having understanding parents, but while some of them had horrible parents, others had parents that coddled them and refused to believe their child could do any wrong. The truth is I'll probably never know or understand their reasons.

The thing that helped me most in recovering from that is that I've tried to deny them any further influence on my life. I decided to take responsibility for all my actions from then on. I just didn't want them to have the pleasure of being on my mind ever again. There was a mass of issues I had to deal with though, and it took me a lot of time to start thinking (relatively) normally again and find self-confidence, but at least I felt like I was getting there, step by step.
But there are things I messed up with this approach, like never mentioning my experience to people outside the family (I felt I would be somehow 'marked' if I did) and refusing to discuss it again. Maybe all of that wasn't a good idea, I mean it did happen.

But the thing I want to say is: I am in no position to tell you what to do, everyone has a different way of coping with things. Just know that, whatever they did to you, you're still here. You are hurt, but you are still standing. They tried to do you in and they FAILED. And they probably hate failing.
You may be unhappy with some aspects of your life now, but one day you will be. And you'll have only yourself to thank for that.
So please stay strong etc-love

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#14 | Back to Top07-13-2014 12:12:11 PM

Karuka
Electric Apocalypse
From: Planet Uranus
Registered: 06-27-2014
Posts: 160

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

@snow

thank you for the encouraging words, fact is I'm over that bullying time, my biggest problem right now is my health, my condition doesn't have a cure, also it causes me a lot of non-stop pain, docs so far (at least 15 different of them) have identified it as fibromyalgia and I'm on meds (the 3rd set of meds) to see if they work on me, but so far nothing. And this condition is what keeps me from doing things I love, (sometimes it is even hard to walk around the house)

As for bullies, they do not need a reason to bully, all they need is a target :/

Nothing can justify bullying not even the worst condition of someone's life.


まずここでこのオスカル・フランソワの命をたってからにされるがよい!

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#15 | Back to Top07-13-2014 03:22:47 PM

satyreyes
no, definitely no cons
From: New Orleans, Louisiana
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 10328
Website

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

Karuka wrote:

Nothing can justify bullying not even the worst condition of someone's life.

I agree, nothing can justify bullying.  But that's the thing about forgiveness; forgiveness is meaningful because we forgive even though we don't have to.  You don't have to forgive this character, but you've been hanging onto the wrongs he did you for so many years, and it sounds like holding that grudge is hurting you.  Someone, I don't remember who, said that we forgive others for our own sake, not for theirs.  I don't know if that's always true, but it seems it might apply here.

I might put in a few words about my own history with bullying, but I'm one of those old-fashioned people who wants to put that kind of thing behind a semiprivate wall like IFD's.  Suffice to say that I still have the emotional scars, but I'm through dwelling on the people who gave them to me.

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#16 | Back to Top07-13-2014 11:37:33 PM

yusaku
String Theorist
From: Kansas City
Registered: 03-09-2014
Posts: 180

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

Here is a video that might help. I was bullied as a kid also, but I do not remember my bullies unless someone mentions bullies. It took some time. Sometimes I still have to remember to forget the past.



Yes! We like you!


***The world is one large Rose Academy!!!***

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#17 | Back to Top07-13-2014 11:42:22 PM

yusaku
String Theorist
From: Kansas City
Registered: 03-09-2014
Posts: 180

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

By the way, I wanted to go with this video at first.



I really love the uplifting song in the beginning, but there is a fifteen minute introduction speech. I am not a Buddist, but you may find the speech by the Dalai Lama inspiring.


***The world is one large Rose Academy!!!***

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#18 | Back to Top07-14-2014 03:50:53 AM

Karuka
Electric Apocalypse
From: Planet Uranus
Registered: 06-27-2014
Posts: 160

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

eheheheh

thanks guys,

as I said already, I past the time of depression, my only problem is my health, the reason I mentioned that guy regretting bullying me is simply because I'm not up for forgiveness, and I found it ironic in accordance with my current health.

I actually couldnt care less about my bullies. you see when I decide to kick someone out of my life, it is permanent, there is not forgiveness nor hate, just simple ignoring of their existence.


まずここでこのオスカル・フランソワの命をたってからにされるがよい!

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#19 | Back to Top07-15-2014 06:53:29 AM

QueenOfJebri
Miki Molester
From: In Wonderland, drinking tea
Registered: 12-16-2013
Posts: 38
Website

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

My life has been... very tough, in many ways. Especially this year, because I've been struggling to find myself in--and cope with--a life without my mother, who was killed in a car crash on New Year's Eve.

It was not helped by the fact that my girlfriend at the time, who had already been showing signs of abuse (and to be honest, while we only dated for six months she was abusive for the entire seven years of our friendship. Just. Not to this extent, previously), brought it up a few more notches, resulting in me becoming a total mess for a while. To give you all an idea of how bad an effect this had on me: the day she moved out of state (we hadn't broken up yet, but things had already hit their worst point), my father found me as a half-hysterical mess.

It's been kinda rough even before that, though--I've been abused by several people, to various extents. Horrific extents, in some cases. I was extremely bullied in high school, to the point where I had a mental breakdown over it and had to be pulled out. All of these things have left their scars. There was a point where I felt like I was going to lose my mind completely.

But... I don't know. I think, even with the bad things, my life hasn't been so bad. My father still catches me when I fall, always willing to set me back on my feet. My brother and sister-in-law, even with their quirks, are there for me. I have loyal, kind friends who I love more than the world itself. I have a creative mind to be proud of, characters I love doing things with, artistic talent that I finally don't completely cringe at.

And... my mother taught me so many things. She never gave up on me, even when things were really bad for me (and they got REALLY bad.) She always had faith in me, and she inspired me to want to help others. She inspired me to live. She still does, and she had that kind of impact on many others as well. I await the day my nephew is old enough to be able to be told all about her. Because I will. I will tell him all about his grandmother and how amazing she was. How much she loved him.

Even with the bad things that have happened in my life, I wouldn't say it's been completely horrible. It's something I'm proud of, despite my worst moments. I hate that I was hurt, I wish it didn't cause me so much pain. But I wouldn't erase it. If I hadn't gone through that pain, I probably wouldn't be half as good of a person as I am now.

So it's been kinda shitty, but mostly? I'm happy to be alive.

And now I'm at the verge of tears. Well, fuck.


The absolute destiny... of hot pockets.

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#20 | Back to Top07-15-2014 08:21:44 AM

Karuka
Electric Apocalypse
From: Planet Uranus
Registered: 06-27-2014
Posts: 160

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

@QueenOfJebri

first of all, I'm really sorry for your loss, losing someone you love is never easy, but as I see you are very brave you learn from the pain, you become a better person.

I also wouldn't erased the pain I went through because that pain made who I am today. (the only thing I would erase is the health problems I got because of that time)

As long as you are healthy and can stand on your own legs, then you can do wonders in life, and I'm waiting the moment my health will be better to start dreaming again.

*cyber hug*


まずここでこのオスカル・フランソワの命をたってからにされるがよい!

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#21 | Back to Top07-16-2014 03:22:43 PM

QueenOfJebri
Miki Molester
From: In Wonderland, drinking tea
Registered: 12-16-2013
Posts: 38
Website

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

Karuka wrote:

@QueenOfJebri

first of all, I'm really sorry for your loss, losing someone you love is never easy, but as I see you are very brave you learn from the pain, you become a better person.

I also wouldn't erased the pain I went through because that pain made who I am today. (the only thing I would erase is the health problems I got because of that time)

As long as you are healthy and can stand on your own legs, then you can do wonders in life, and I'm waiting the moment my health will be better to start dreaming again.

*cyber hug*

Thank you, that means a lot. I hope your health improves as soon as possible! *cyber hugs back!*


The absolute destiny... of hot pockets.

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#22 | Back to Top08-25-2014 08:19:56 AM

Kiseki
Sunlit Gardener (Prelude)
From: Texas, USA
Registered: 08-16-2014
Posts: 170
Website

Re: Life so far. happy, sad and everything in between

Another semester is starting this week at my college. Should any challenges/stress arise from coursework, I hope I can face it heroically and with style. school-eng101

I always tend to forget that with the arrival of new school year, my birthday will also be just around the corner.
I'll be turning 21 but I don't think I'll drink alcoholic beverages. emot-tongue


http://r14.imgfast.net/users/1412/22/06/04/smiles/2930773878.gifDo you suppose happiness is something close to us, after all?

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