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HOLY SHIT PEOPLE, IT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH WE'RE GETTING AN UTENA EXHIBITION RIGHT NOW

THEY. ARE. MAKING. A. NEW. MUSICAL. NEXT. YEAR. START LOSING YOUR SHIT RIGHT NOW

#51 | Back to Top09-05-2009 04:08:36 PM

Tamago
God of Comedy
From: Minami Goushuu
Registered: 10-17-2006
Posts: 14280
Website

Re: The Jokes Thread

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Pepper spray will do that to you .

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#52 | Back to Top09-06-2009 06:22:07 AM

Mock Puppet
Azure Paleontologist
From: In a dark room.
Registered: 10-06-2007
Posts: 1207
Website

Re: The Jokes Thread

2.What is the difference between a baby and a onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.

17.How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Pour gas over it and light a match. Woof.

19.How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender.

35.What is black and goes up and down?
A baby in a toaster.

48.What is pink, flies and squeals?
A baby fired from a catapult.


“Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.”
-A. Nonymous-

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#53 | Back to Top09-15-2009 02:26:05 PM

spoon-san
Someday Shiner
Registered: 03-18-2009
Posts: 3423

Re: The Jokes Thread

Joke from "Your highness will do" aka a friend of mine:

What's Jesus' rapper name?


G-sus.

Why is everyone trying to find Jesus?

Because we still haven't found him since when we played hide-and-seek one day.

(I'm the shittiest Christian ever.)

Last edited by spoon-san (09-15-2009 03:06:40 PM)

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#54 | Back to Top09-17-2009 05:48:45 PM

Tamago
God of Comedy
From: Minami Goushuu
Registered: 10-17-2006
Posts: 14280
Website

Re: The Jokes Thread

These Unholy jokes will send you to Hell for sure.

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: You only need one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, "Psst. Hey, Jesus, I've still got it."

Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. "Moses, my boy," said the Messiah, "I have still got it." And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.

But to Moses' amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus' sillyness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.


When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus' shoulder and said, "Don't worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn't have holes in your feet."

Q: What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

Q: Why do Islamic Fundamentalists fly planes into buildings?
A: They're dying to get laid.

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#55 | Back to Top09-18-2009 06:49:47 AM

Mock Puppet
Azure Paleontologist
From: In a dark room.
Registered: 10-06-2007
Posts: 1207
Website

Re: The Jokes Thread

What's the worst thing a mother can say to her child?

I should have swallowed you when I had the chance!

What has 75 balls and screws old people?

Bingo.

Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape. (Think about it)

Paedophiles are fucking immature arseholes. (Pun Intended)

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?


“Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.”
-A. Nonymous-

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#56 | Back to Top03-10-2010 11:58:33 PM

chrisb
Eternal Eschatologist
From: Tx,USA
Registered: 01-18-2010
Posts: 956

Re: The Jokes Thread

-----Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."



---Two muffins are in a hot oven.
One says: sure is warm in here huh?
2nd one says:


Oh shit a talking muffin!


http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a358/clow987/Christmas2011SSSigGift.png

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#57 | Back to Top03-11-2010 06:15:22 AM

dollface
Postmistress Elf of Subtext
From: North Carolina
Registered: 11-17-2006
Posts: 5086
Website

Re: The Jokes Thread

A man walks into a bar, takes a seat, and orders 6 shots.
"What's the occaision?" Asks the bartender.
"My first blowjob." The man says.
The bartender smiles and laughs. "Well, congratulations! 7th shot is on me!"
The man replies "If 6 won't get the taste out, nothing will."

emot-biggrin


ah, man does not exist; ah, within the darkness; ah, the sound of the waves

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#58 | Back to Top03-11-2010 11:37:54 PM

Epee_724
Polar Prince
From: Come find me
Registered: 12-01-2008
Posts: 1813

Re: The Jokes Thread

Man walks into a bar, gets up, wipes the blood from his lip and enters a pub.


Whatever you find worthwhile in life, is worth fighting for!

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#59 | Back to Top03-11-2010 11:39:30 PM

Epee_724
Polar Prince
From: Come find me
Registered: 12-01-2008
Posts: 1813

Re: The Jokes Thread

Mock Puppet wrote:

2.What is the difference between a baby and a onion?
No one cries when you chop up the baby.

17.How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Pour gas over it and light a match. Woof.

19.How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
With a blender.

35.What is black and goes up and down?
A baby in a toaster.

48.What is pink, flies and squeals?
A baby fired from a catapult.

Where did u find these? Seems like I remember one about a woodchipper...


Whatever you find worthwhile in life, is worth fighting for!

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#60 | Back to Top03-12-2010 07:16:24 PM

Tamago
God of Comedy
From: Minami Goushuu
Registered: 10-17-2006
Posts: 14280
Website

Re: The Jokes Thread

Why do they boil water when a baby is being born?
So that if its born dead they can make soup.

Why did the baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.

What is more fun than throwing a baby off the cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.

What bounces up and down at 100mph?
A baby tied to the back of a truck.

What goes plop, plop, fizz, fizz?
Twins in an acid bath.

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#61 | Back to Top03-27-2010 05:47:53 PM

chrisb
Eternal Eschatologist
From: Tx,USA
Registered: 01-18-2010
Posts: 956

Re: The Jokes Thread

http://i160.photobucket.com/albums/t191/LydiaDianne/Commas.jpg


http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a358/clow987/Christmas2011SSSigGift.png

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#62 | Back to Top03-28-2010 12:47:49 AM

Epee_724
Polar Prince
From: Come find me
Registered: 12-01-2008
Posts: 1813

Re: The Jokes Thread

Even more sick baby jokes:

How do you make a dead baby float?

One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.
_________________________________________________________________________

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
_________________________________________________________________________

What's red and silver and walks into walls?

A baby with forks in its eyes.
_________________________________________________________________________

What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?

A baby with a punctured lung

I need a shrink...


Whatever you find worthwhile in life, is worth fighting for!

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#63 | Back to Top03-28-2010 07:03:35 PM

Tamago
God of Comedy
From: Minami Goushuu
Registered: 10-17-2006
Posts: 14280
Website

Re: The Jokes Thread

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she turned on her reading lamp one passionate night, only to find a cucumber in his hand.

"IS THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?"

"Honey,let me explain..."

"Why,you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a bitch."

"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "...maybe you would like to explain our three kids."

------

Last edited by Tamago (03-28-2010 07:04:32 PM)

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#64 | Back to Top03-29-2010 07:47:32 PM

Hermine
Anthy Assailer
From: a distant star
Registered: 09-07-2009
Posts: 73
Website

Re: The Jokes Thread

"God is dead" ~Nietzsche

"Nietzsche is dead" ~God
emot-biggrin

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#65 | Back to Top03-29-2010 08:15:49 PM

Katzenklavier
Wondrous Sexual Eggplant.
From: Back of your thoughts.
Registered: 09-13-2008
Posts: 1120

Re: The Jokes Thread

Q: How do you stop little black children from jumping on the bed?

A: Put Velcro on the ceiling.

Ooooh shit, I'm gonna get my ass kicked for that one.


We must go forward, not backward. Upward, not forward. And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

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#66 | Back to Top03-29-2010 08:35:31 PM

Tamago
God of Comedy
From: Minami Goushuu
Registered: 10-17-2006
Posts: 14280
Website

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#67 | Back to Top03-29-2010 11:30:01 PM

Epee_724
Polar Prince
From: Come find me
Registered: 12-01-2008
Posts: 1813

Re: The Jokes Thread

What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?

Neither look down emot-rolleyes


Whatever you find worthwhile in life, is worth fighting for!

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#68 | Back to Top11-30-2010 07:18:25 PM

BioKraze
Faceless Master
From: Yuma, Arizona (USA)
Registered: 11-26-2006
Posts: 8280

Re: The Jokes Thread

A penguin is out driving in the desert when he hears a pop! and his tire goes flat. He manages to pull into a gas station to have the mechanic check it out. As he's waiting, he notices the convenience store is selling ice cream, and he decides he could do with some good old ice cream! He goes in and buys his favorite flavor, vanilla, then goes out and sits on the curb to eat it. Being a penguin and lacking opposable thumbs, he has a lot of trouble scooping it out with his flippers, and being in the middle of the desert, the ice cream melts very quickly. Eventually, he's almost completely covered in white, sticky goop. The mechanic comes out at that point, looks at him, and informs him, "Well, looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin cries indignantly "It's vanilla ice cream, dammit!"


Roses have thorns to stop those who would dare deny their right to live.
Razara's Postulate: For every lover of lesbians out there, there is an equal and opposite attraction to Dippin' Dots.

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#69 | Back to Top01-23-2011 08:53:15 PM

Riri-kins
World's End
From: Cloud Nine
Registered: 09-22-2008
Posts: 2346

Re: The Jokes Thread

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?"
The old man yells "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again "What did he say?"
The old man yells "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked "What did he say?"

And the old man yells "He said he knows you!”


Proud Saionji and Mikage fangirl
My Utena fanfiction: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2000115/Riri-kins

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#70 | Back to Top01-25-2011 07:13:28 PM

Tamago
God of Comedy
From: Minami Goushuu
Registered: 10-17-2006
Posts: 14280
Website

Re: The Jokes Thread

Sick Jokes (Highlight to read)

Kid walks into the living room where his father was watching the football.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"Can I have a fiver to go swimming?"

"You'll have to suck me cock for it boy"

So the son fellates his father and half-way through he says

"Your cock tastes like shit dad..."

"How do you reckon your sister got the money to go to the cinema?"

emot-roflemot-roflemot-rofl

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"

"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

emot-roflemot-roflemot-rofl

Three vampires walk into a bar. One orders a blood on the rocks. Another orders a double blood. The third simply asks for a mug of hot water.

"Why didn't you order blood like everyone else?" asks the bartender.

The vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea!"

emot-roflemot-roflemot-rofl

It's Xmas Day and two kids are checking their presents under the Xmas tree.

The first one has a lot of toys, littles cars, computer, PS3, XBox 360, a bike, and the second one just has a watch and some sweets.

The first one says to the other, "I've got a lot of present, i've got a lot of presents !", and then, he see that the other one doesn't seem to care about this fact.
"Why aren't you angry cos I've got a lot of presents while you didn't?"

I'm not the one dying of cancer!"

emot-roflemot-roflemot-rofl

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had *** over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no, I never found her head.

Last edited by Tamago (01-26-2011 08:14:11 PM)

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#71 | Back to Top01-26-2011 03:38:01 PM

Lightice
Azure Paleontologist
From: Finland
Registered: 10-21-2006
Posts: 1255

Re: The Jokes Thread

Hermine wrote:

"God is dead" ~Nietzsche

"Nietzsche is dead" ~God
emot-biggrin

"Dead people can't go around writing in toilet walls! ~Matt

A Finn, a Swede and a Norwegian were on vacation in Greenland. They decided to have a wager of bravery: each had to drink a pint of vodka at one go, kill a polar bear with their bare hands and make love to an Eskimo woman.

The Swede got down quarter of the booze, didn't find a polar bear and ran away from the Eskimo lady. The Norwegian managed to drink half a pint, punched a polar bear and ran away, and stole a kiss from the Eskimo.

Finally the Finn chugged down the entire pint without stopping for a breath and went to look for a polar bear. Three hours later he came back covered in bloody tears and scratches. "Nhow, wheresh that Eshkhimo I wash shupposhed to khill?", he asked.

----------------------

A man came to a prestigious company seeking work with glowing referentials, and got it. However, the very first Monday he phoned in to his manager and told: "I'm sick". He came in Tuesday and worked the rest of the week perfectly. The next Monday he called in again to say he was sick. The manager was less than happy, but still let it slide. Once again he came back Tuesday and worked the entire week extra hard with longer days to make up for his absence. The third Monday he called in yet again, but this time the manager wouldn't let him get away with it, and demanded explanation.

"Well, you see", said the man, "every Monday morning I call to my sister who is in an unhappy marriage to see how she is doing. Every time she calls me over, and we end up having sex all day long."

"With your sister?!", asked the manager, outraged. "That's disgusting!"

"I told you I was sick..."


Hei! Aa-Shanta 'Nygh!

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#72 | Back to Top01-29-2011 09:06:05 AM

Bluesky
Chpn Dlst
From: Your window
Registered: 10-25-2008
Posts: 1939
Website

Re: The Jokes Thread

Dyslexia rules, k.o?
Tautology always dominates, all right?
Folk etymology rules, oll korrect?
Apathy rules.............................................
Narcolepsy rulezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.


/人◕ ‿‿ ◕人\

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#73 | Back to Top08-02-2012 12:24:45 PM

BioKraze
Faceless Master
From: Yuma, Arizona (USA)
Registered: 11-26-2006
Posts: 8280

Re: The Jokes Thread

Okay. So, I don't feel like transcribing. But! I found a really funny "Who's on First" routine when I was surfing TV Tropes.

For better or worse, here it is. emot-biggrin


Roses have thorns to stop those who would dare deny their right to live.
Razara's Postulate: For every lover of lesbians out there, there is an equal and opposite attraction to Dippin' Dots.

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#74 | Back to Top01-25-2013 12:24:44 AM

TheOnlyFlorence
Revolution Televisor
Registered: 09-16-2012
Posts: 454

Re: The Jokes Thread

I am a huge fan of Shaggy Dog stories. I hope to share a few with you. Here's the first:

     The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Philharmonic. The audience didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said, "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience and orchestra, too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't," his manager said, "You're not retiring." Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting that he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said, "Dear, would you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear," she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.

     Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor came to the stand and began with the small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said, "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance." The tuba player stood up and shouted, "You can't be serious!" and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away. Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?" the judge inquired. "Guilty, your honor," the conductor replied. "Do you realize that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?" the judge added. The conductor thought for a moment but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes, your honor", the conductor said. A week before his execution, one of the guards came to the conductor and said, "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds, the conductor replied, "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted, and the conductor scarfed down the bananas. Days later, the time had finally come, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."

     The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. The manager thought this would be a fantastic selling point, the Conductor Who Defies Death for Music. "Back to work," his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with his wife, he asked, "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear," she replied. At his next performance, with a nearly sold-out crowd, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his underoos. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!" he yelled. The conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again.
"You again?" the judge asked. "I thought I sentenced you to death not long ago?" The conductor shrugged. "OK, how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?" the judge asked. "Guilty to all counts," the conductor replied. One week before his next execution date, the conductor was granted another last request. "A silver platter with two dozen bananas," was his answer. He scarfed down the bananas, just like before. The time had come again, and he now faced a chair with triple the dosage of the last one. The room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time, but their fears were soon realized when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body.

     His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. He wasn't about to let this major selling point walk away from his adoring public. "Back to work," the manager said. The weeks dragged on and on and on, and even though each performance was sold out, well into the next season, the conductor had all that he could bear. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?" he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear," she replied. It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the Pit, killing all 109 orchestra members, along with several stagehands. The SWAT team was called in this time, and he was dragged away. "Jesus Fucking Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!" the judge roared. The conductor just shook his head and shrugged. "May I ask how you plead for 109 counts of first degree murder and four counts of aggravated assault?" "Guiltier than OJ!" the conductor screamed, "The cunt-asses deserved it!" The conductor was hauled away. A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. A week later, once again, the conductor was granted a last request. "Three dozen bananas on a silver platter," he said. He scarfed down each and every banana. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Later that week, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some two kilometers away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body.

     His funeral was held some days later, and as the casket was being lowered into the grave, there was a knock from behind the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of the coffin - alive! He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked, "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"
"I've tried telling people all along", he said,


emot-confused  "I'm just a bad conductor."   emot-dance

Last edited by TheOnlyFlorence (01-25-2013 12:49:50 AM)

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#75 | Back to Top06-07-2013 12:53:54 AM

satyreyes
no, definitely no cons
From: New Orleans, Louisiana
Registered: 10-16-2006
Posts: 10328
Website

Re: The Jokes Thread

Guys guys guys guys guys!  This is crucially important!!!

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

coolHe sipped his coffee

before it was cool
cool

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